The Asylum

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Sadly, this movie isn't about aliens trying to fight Fred Dryer.

Just The Facts

  1. The Asylum first made shitty non-rip off direct-to-video movies like "Dead Pet" and "Nice Guys Sleep Alone", which I promise aren't porno titles.
  2. In 2005 they made their own damn version of "War of the Worlds" thinking they can beat Steven Speilburg AND Tom Cruise. They failed, but Blockbuster, the video chain, didn't care and ordered a billion copies of this movie, which got the people at Asylum thinking "Hmm...if they want rip off movies...
  3. So they produced nothing BUT shitty rip off movies, with movies like "Snakes on a Train", "The 18-year-old Virgin", and "The Da Vinci Treasure".

The Mockbusters

After the "success" of "War of the Worlds", which isn't so much a rip off as a "retelling", The Asylum wanted to latch onto the popularity of such movies as "King Kong", "The Exorcism of Emily Rose" and any 9/11 movie by releasing "King of the Lost World", "Exorcism: The Possession of Gail Bowers" (oddly enough also based on a true story), and "The 9/11 Commission Report", which must be the most exciting movie ever made.

911commissionreport

The best scene of this movie comes in at page 25!

Here's a fun game. I'm gonna list some Asylum movies and see if you can guess what their "real" counterparts are. Ready? GO!

Hillside Cannibals

Pirates of Treasure Island

When A Killer Calls

Dragon

I Am Omega

Transmorphers

Sunday School Musical

The Terminators

Death Racers

Time's up! Look out for The Asylum's latest "Pylar Berrys I Want To Do Good With Other People".

Snakes on a Train

The year is 2006. The internet is a-buzz with a small movie called "Snakes on a Plane". Of course The Asylum had to release their own version of this, mainly to confuse your aunt when you tell her what movie to buy you. And drunk people.

"Snakes on a Train" tells the story of a Mexican couple in Texas who has to get back to Mexico because George Bush is after them. George Bush has placed a curse on the woman Mexican and they must go see the guy's Uncle to lift the curse. You probably didn't know Mexican's was capable of removing curses. Goes to show what you know.

The woman ends up spitting up a bunch of snakes while on said train and soon all the snakes start attacking minor characters that we don't really care about. This movie sucks because it doesn't have Samuel L. Jackson screaming "motherfucker" throughout the whole movie.

Samuel L Jackson

This motherfuckin' movie needed motherfuckin' me to keep sayin' motherfuckin'!

Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus

Last last year, The Asylum wanted to see what it'd be like if they went back to making "original" movies. Instead, they just cashed in on the "vs" franchise that seems to be happening in Hollywood and came up with "Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus".

This film stars Deborah "Debbie" Gibson and Lorenzo Llamas. The movie does in fact have a mega shark AND a giant octopus, but they only make up 10% of the movie. But we do get some kick ass scenes of the shark destroying San Fransisco and an airplane.

You Too Can Work For The Asylum!

Think you have what it takes to be a producer of a Asylum movie! All you have to do is scan a list of movies that are either out or coming out and come up with similar sounding titles! I'll give you a few to get you started.

The Glorious Assholes

The Feeling You Get After You Drink A Lot

The Last Journey

All About Eve

Fraternity Lane

Liquid Paper

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