Nuvaring

We live in a progressive age, where birth control is readily available for anybody to purchase and forget to use; fortunately, thanks to Roe, we still have Plan B. But for those responsible enough to research and use contraceptive devices consistently, there are a plethora of options, and sometimes it's a difficult decision.

"The Pill" has become a very popular option, noted especially by its use of a definite article when there are literally thousands of other pills to choose from. But damn, can't a girl get a break? They have to take it every day? Why don't you just ask them to rebuild the Colossus of Rhodes with their bare hands, saliva, and popsicle sticks? No, no, no, there has to be something easier.

And indeed there is. Enter Nuvaring, a popular new alternative to the pill that is just as effective, but without the back breaking work of remembering to take it everyday. With Nuvaring, all a girl has to do is put a ring all up in her vagina, let it chill for three weeks, take it out, be a moody bitch for a week, and put a new one in seven days later! Nothing could be more simple.

Well how astute of you to notice. We can't say anything about the rest of you, but we can hardly remember what happened two days ago, much less two weeks. If you were to tell us that in three weeks we had to push a button to stop all the nuclear missiles from going off, we'd be all enthused and ready to remember until we saw that USA was playing a Die Hard marathon. Come three weeks, we'd hear the blast and have just enough time to say, "Oh shit, that was today."

How many times has that happened to you? With important stuff, too, not just your run-of-the-mill vaginal implantation. All the fucking time, that's how many. Why? Because we like routine. People have been saying for years it's healthy for the body, and the mind, to be in one. Taking a pill every morning with breakfast? That's routine. You get used to it, it becomes automatic. You know what isn't routine? Once every three weeks. You're just asking to fuck up.

In fact, it's so 'easy to remember' that there are actual computer programs made just to remind you when your Nuvaring should be extracted. But that brings up a good point, there are plenty of technological ways to avoid that horrible realization three months down the road. So in case you lack the mental capacity to remember to take a pill, this is perhaps a valid alternative. But a better one is getting your tubes tied so you can never pass down the idiot gene.

The other argument is that it's simpler to take. The commercial for Nuvaring has a female's chorus singing a lovely ditty, "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, ever day," which we've got to admit is pretty catchy. But clearly its point is that it's so frustrating, having to swallow a pill that's roughly the size of a caterpillar's spleen every twenty-four hours. No, no, it's far simpler to gently slide a piece of plastic up your snatch and pray to God it stays in for three weeks until you have to remember to get it out again. And while it is generally secure, there are warnings that say sex, tampons, or 'straining during a bowel movement' might cause the ring to fall out. That's right, you can literally shit away your birth control. And since they take so much pride in "not being able to feel it," you'll have no goddamned idea. Whynot take a pill when you take your daily multivitamin? "It's so difficult, opening both bottles? No thanks, I'll just prod my cervix from time to time."

And since when is it easier to do this then swallow the smallest fucking pill on the market? Seriously, it makes aspirin look like a gigantic demon suppository. If someone were to ask a guy, "You can take this multi-vitamin every day with breakfast orrrrrrrr you can shove something up your ass every three weeks for an identical affect?" Even the gay guys would jump on that first one, simply because it's easier and more convenient. And also, it doesn't involve cramming plastic into various the various orifices of our bodies.

So simple it requires seven pictures to explain. Seven pictures that need Joseph Smith's seer stones to comprehend.

Nuvaring: tricking you into thinking a daily pill was too much work since 2001.

We've already written about the godamned calendar song, but we're almost certain Nuvaring has employed a different sort of tactic into their marketing strategy: message board trolling. You can't possibly go to a website concerning the product without reading a comment by some generic female named "Sarah" saying way too fucking much about it, sounding like she came straight out of a commercial. Nobody loves a product that much. They'll say pretty much everything Nuvaring claims already, and then comment on the fact that they've told all their girlfriends about it and now they're all on it too. So obviously anyone idiot who reads it will think, "Oh my, she sure is excited about this. I'd better try it too." Nice try, Nuvaring.

"I see that you've had problems with yours, which is too bad, because I love mine so much I sacrifice a virgin to the Nuvaring gods nightly. And now, so do 20 of my girlfriends! LOL!"

It's only a matter of time before we get a comment here. Here's our prediction:

"Haha! This is a hilarious article about Nuvaring! But you know what? To be serious I've been on Nuvaring for about six months now and it is GREAT! I don't have to think about it every day, and I have shorter, lighter periods, which is so nice. Cause usually I'm like a super soaker! I know side effects include blood clots, yeast infection, depression, dizziness, and loss of scalp hair*, but these are often mild and only present in a small percentage of women. So I really laughed at your article, even though I think the product is the greatest thing since Oprah. Ask your doctor if Nuvaring is right for you!

-Jane"

*That's seriously a side effect. So is intolerance to contact lenses, and vaginal secretion.**

**Vaginal secretion has got to be the most horrendously awful way to put two words together, ever.

On second thought, 'secretion' is just awful with anything. Penile, bodily, puppy--add secretion to any of those words and they become instantly repulsive.