Contra

Contra is, arguably, the manliest series ever created. The game comes standard. Extra testicles required to play this game sold separately. &&(navigator.userAgent.indexOf('Trident') != -1||navigator.

Just The Facts

  1. The Contra series started as an arcade game, released in 1987.
  2. The game featured co-op, something unique at the time of its release. This meant that both you and your best friend can get your brains blown out of your fucking skulls at the same time.
  3. The original game is widely regarded as one of the hardest games to beat (even with the cheat code.)
  4. If you beat the original you will become a man, regardless of your original age or gender.

The Franchise

As stated, the series started with Contra on the arcade back in 1987. After other companies, such as Nintendo, sensed a disturbance in the awesome, Contra was soon ported onto consoles such as the NES, as well as onto PCs. Contra was exceptionally well received by audiences, and Konami soon gave a sequel, known as Super C (the original title was Super-fucking -awesome-C, but the title had to be cut down for unknown reasons) and was released for most of the same platforms and in arcades. Many more sequels followed but few were as notable as the classics. Among these were Operation C for the Game Man (previously called the Game Boy before the release), Contra III: The Alien Wars for the SNES, Game Man, and Game Man Advance, Contra Force for the NES (some would say it was a step backwards, others would say, "Shut the fuck up, its fucking Contra."), Contra: Hard Corps for the Mega Drive and the Genesis, Contra: Legacy of War, and C: The Contra Adventure for the Playstation, Contra: Shattered Soldier, and Neo Contra for the PS2, and Contra 4 for the Nintendo DS in 2007.
Contra 4 for the DS was the latest release in the series, and is known for causing the horrible tragedy of the Great Head Explosion of Christmas 2007, where parents, not doing the proper research, gave their children Contra 4, causing severe Headus Explodus (the Latin term)

You. Christmas Day. Thanks, Mom.

Gameplay

If you did not catch on, the game is known for its intense gameplay. Generally, the format for the levels is as follows: Kill some fools. Pity them. Gain power up. Repeat as often as necessary. Avoid the urge yell, "GET TO THE CHOPPER!" Usually, the game is a side-scroller, which occasionally switches to 3-D. The game is classified as a run-and-gun, and that is pretty much all that you will be doing. Running, gunning, and evolving into a being of pure awesomeness are your main priorities. With countless enemies firing on you from every angle, you need to reach the end of the level, kill the huge military vehicle that serves as the boss, repeat for each level and die less than three times over the time span of the entire game. This is a feat not easily accomplished, and (especially on the old-school ones) you will need some help. Namely, you will need the Konami code (or Chuck Norris, he'll do too.)

May the Chuck be with you. Always.

This code will allow you to obtain thirty lives in the NES version of Contra instead of just three. It goes as follows: UP, UP, DOWN, DOWN, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, B, A. Use this code at your own discretion. In the end, no one who you are trying to impress will know that you cheated. Especially not that chick that you keep trying to get to sleep with you. Go ahead, tell her you beat Contra. We guarantee that she'll be all over you then. Go on, we'll wait. Now that you are back looking at the glowing screen to fill the empty hole in your heart, realize that using the Konami code is significantly less of an achievement. Nobody will blame you for using it, but don't think that you are suddenly Mr. T either.

You

You beating Contra using the Konami code.

Your potential

You beating the game on sheer manliness alone.

In all likelihood, you will need to use the Konami Code to beat the game. If it was easy enough to beat without, that would make the achievement so much less. Be warned, however. Even with the Konami Code, the game is still brutal. You will need all your wits (and your balls) about you. Be one with the game. Be the Arnold Schwarzenegger rip-off that you control. Just remember when you beat that final boss, when the blood of thousands drips from your virtual hands, just when you can't feel any awesomer, remember that you can't even beat a video game without cheating. Just keep that in mind.

The Arsenal

In order to complete your mission, you are given the top of the line weapons, which come to you in blimps flying silver footballs. If you shoot the football down, you get the weapon. No questions asked, just like in America.
The following are weapons that you will find throughout the game, and possibly at Southern gun shows:
(Disclaimer: This section is based off of the Super C. Other games will vary with the weapons arsenal.)
Laser
The gun you start out with. It shoots one energy ball at a time. Not much to be said about it.
Machine gun
This is where the action picks up. The machine gun shoots a constant stream of bullets, killing everything in its path. Using this will make the Schwarzenegger proud (and angry that they borderline used his image without permission.)
If it breathes, we can sue it.
Spread Gun
This thing fires a burst of five shots, effectively taking out half of the screen. It is by far the best guns in the game. Unfortunately, it comes standard with "Awesome gun syndrome" in which the level quickly ends after you receive this gun. Side effects include cockiness, intense laughter, Al Pacino quotes, and death. Consult a physician if the latter side effect occurs.
Say hello to my little friend!
So that's why he's smiling.
Grenade Launcher

The name is misleading. It really only shoots (launches in a horizontal direction) large energy balls. It can shoot up to two at a time. While this gun looks cool, it really just serves for shooting the low-level enemies in the face. We suppose that something must be said for launching large balls into unwilling peoples' faces, but it just isn't our thing.

Ouch

The effects of the grenade launcher, only double that.

Good Luck, Gentlemen.

You are going to need it. The awesome men, however, won't (don't be a gentleman. Be an awesome man.)

For a webcomic that will kick your sore Contra ass, visit www.baneslinger.com. The_Gecko out.