Things always turn out to be boring when you research them. I'd rather assume Madame Curie is some badass dominatrix than actually find out what she did. This is probably more exciting.

What Madam Curie could look like

Just The Facts

  1. You remember only up to 30% of what you read. So if you spend an hour reading a textbook, you wasted 42 minutes of your life.
  2. According to "research;" the pyramids were built by aliens and society is run by lizard people. What do you think?
  3. The scientific method was invented by Satan because it caused the scientists to fight about results long enough for him to escape on his jetpack. Look it up. I didn't.

A real life example of why research screws us over.

As I said before, wouldn't it be more interesting if you never had to verify what you said. Here's an example of an eighth grade report on Newton.

"Isaac Newton was born in 1642. He created calculus and the three laws of physics. He discovered gravity. He died in 1727."

BORINGGGG!!!! D- ! If I didn't have to do research I could have turned this in.

"Isaac Newton was a viking magician who was angered by the villigers in his hometown of Valhallah. He then talked to Zeus and told him to smite the villagers. This pissed Zeus right the fuck off. And being a badass, Zeus dropped an apple the size of a house on Newton. That's where gravity comes from."

Fucking Awesome. You don't care if I'm right. I want to write about a Greek god crushing a Norse magician with a giant fucking apple so I did. And you know what? It was better than the bummer that is reality.

An example of how doing research is messed up.

Against every procrastinator bone in my body, I did research for this section. I did not like what I found. There was a large study done by the Pfizer corporation that amounted to little more than messing with the nervous system of mice and measuring how this affected their erections. I'm not a member of PETA, in fact, I only order veal marinaded in its own tears (adds that little extra something), but I don't think spending buttloads of money to simultaneously arouse and retard a mouse is worth it. With the amount of rodent skullfuckery going on, you could probably program an army of brainwashed (and presumably horny) supermice to do your bidding.

You can't tell, but he's really happy to see you.