There are few places as mystifying as a college dorm (like Nicole Richie's vagina, and Costco). Like Ms. Richie's hoo ha, dorms are dank, smelly, and usually pretty crowded.
There is no question, dorm life used to suck. Monastic dorms of yore were built mainly around libraries, because back then students went to school to learn, not to party and get laid. Had draft beer and internet porn been invented, shit would have be different, son! However, they were wicked classy.
Harvard Yard, circa the "Wicked Classy" era.
See, we couldn't have had nice shit like that now. We'd fuck it up with our toga parties and keg stands. But they didn't have those back then because fun hadn't been invented. That's right, up until the 1830's, Harvard had a strict rules: a dress code requring the use of ascots, blazers and smarty-pants; mandatory chapel services; and fucking curfews! They even had to chop their own firewood and lug it back to the dorms, uphill both ways, in the snow, with no shoes on, or so the old people claim.
Old people are fucking liars!
Shit didn't get exciting until the 1940's, when more women began getting accepted to universities. Schools started erecting dorms just for women, and women stared erecting penises in return. However, women were held to even stricter rules; no male visitors were allowed, tougher curfews were enforced, and pillow fights had to remain fully clothed. Because the power of sex compells, students found ways to circumvent the rules; they would use flashing lights to send messages to their opposite sex counterparts via Morse code, thus creating the first naughty personal message, known today as the "sext."
Real 1960's dorm pimps used these.
But wait, you thought that was bad? In the 1950's, WWII Vets and their wives rushed college campuses nationwide, mostly because the G.I Bill paid for tuition and housing. The housing? Trailer parks. The good ol' fashion trailer parks too, sans plumbing. Michigan State Universities's GI community was knows a "fertile valley", because apparently all the couples did there was fuck like bunnies. That's understandable, because nothing makes women hotter than sweet lovin' in a toiletless shitbox on wheels.
Apparently some of them never left.
Then came the 70's, the era of free love, and consequently free STD testing. Colleges started allowing co-ed dorms, some even allowing unisex rooms and bathrooms. Yup, apparently if you went to Brown or Stanford, you could bunk with chicks. If we weren't so lazy, we would have researched Brown's application numbers, though we're sure we would have seen a drastic increase in applications by men, and probably the number of creepy shit reported to the police.
The 80's saw the computer revolution, and colleges started updating dorm rooms. Get this, in 1985, Drexel gave each student a brand new computers with Microsoft software. In return, the students had to sell their souls to Bill Gates. Personally, we think they got ripped. They didn't even have Facebook back then AND they still had to spell out whole words. WTF?
Since then, shit's gotten crazy. Bat shit crazy. Because someone, who shall remain nameless, decided to fuck up our economy causing massive job losses, the demand for higher education has soared.
9 out of 10 leading economists blame The Count for our financial woes.
Because of the increase in tuition, students expect nicer ameneties. This Times article says that from "1995 to 2004, just 17% of the 113 residence halls constructed on college campuses were traditional dorms, according to the Association of College and University Housing Officers International". We don't know who the ACUHOI are, but they're armed with numbers and a percentage sign, which is more than we've got, so they must be legit. Some campuses are even providing rock climbing walls, tanning salons, hot tubs, and blow job parlors...wait, what? One kid even asked his school for housing for his motherfucking butler.
Nope, not this Butler
Bingo! This butler. Really. We aren't kidding anymore.
But this shit gets crazier. As quoted in the aforementioned Time Magazine Article (and basically the article we "gleaned" all this information from), "Bill Bayless, CEO of American Campus Communities, says these buildings aren't just real estate opportunities: 'Our properties are not Animal House. There are no kegs out by the pool.' Nowadays, students demand privacy, technology and the same amenities they grew up with, he says. 'It's what the student expects when they leave Mom and Dad's.' "
All we expected when we left mom and dad's was some gas money, a couple of condoms, and some goddam self respect. We suspect Bill Bayless is in some way related to Skip Bayless, and they can both go fuck themselves.
This is pretty much how we imagined it.
So, as we can see, the dormitory has come full circle. It started off classy (wicked classy), took a detour during the 60's and 70's, probably because it was high as fuck and too busy trying to finger-bang hot chicks, and is now coming back to being a "classy" place where kegs aren't allowed by the pool. Real classy dormitory, real fucking classy.
So, you managed to do your parent's a solid and graduate highschool by years of hard work, cheating, and/or blowing your math teacher. For the first time in your life, you have options; college, military, grease monkey, the choices are endless my friend! You decide to be an overachiever and say fuck the ASVAB (despite the obvious career benefits of being a giz mopper). For your ambitious decision, you will be rewarded with a heaping scoop of get-the-fuck-outta-Dodge ice cream with I-can-finally-masturbate-in-peace sprinkles.
Unless, of course, you got a GED.
For those GEDers, there is always community college. Unfortunately for you, CCs (since apparently you like acronyms so much) rarely have dormitories. No matter, you probably still live in your parents basement. Besides, you've spent your childhood proudly working in that ass-groove on the couch and it would be a shame for such hard work to go to waste.
You should have paid attention in social studies
After seven or eight rejection letters, your "safety" school deems you worthy of paying them tens of thousands of dollars for an education.
Right. So, you've kissed mom and dad goodbye, you're dad is crying like a school boy bitch, and you tell him it's going to be okay as you usher him towards the car. Seriously, your dad is bitch if he cries.
So, freshman, what are you going to do with your newfound freedom?
The answer to this question is almost always "party." But you need friends first, and the dorms are the best place to start! Just remember, highschool was the past. Chances are nobody knows all those embarrassing stories from back then, like the time you got humped by your neighbors dog, only Shirley Thompson told every one that you had sex with it willingly. Seriously, fuck that bitch (we aren't bitter though.) This is your chance to get people to like you again. Not because you are good enough, or smart enough, but because, doggone it, you just want people to fucking like you already!
*results not typical
Basically, just be yourself, only a cooler, more awesome you. All the kids are doing it. And yes, young grasshopper, there is partying going on in the dorms. Usually, a frat or some sports team will throw huge parties off campus before school starts. They'll send teams of dudes to rush the dorms and tell everyone about it because its going to be the best party ever.
Really, they meant the breast party ever.
Cracked has already covered college parties in general, so we won't get into the nitty gritty; however, we should mention what occurs after the party, ironically called the 'after party'. Typically, you and your fellow freshman will stumble back to the dorms, past security, and rage on into the wee hours. If you forgot to nick some booze from the party, hang your head in shame, and remember to adjust accordingly next time. Remember, girls will not party in your room if the only thing you have to offer them is Capri Sun and a John Mayer playlist. If you did remembered to steal booze from the party, good for you! We're very proud right now!
Another aspect of dorm life is the inevetiable prank war. When a bunch of dudes hang out around each other for too long, shit like this happens. It's science. Hilarious, hilarious science. Here are some pretty fucking awesome pranks that you can do from the safety of your own dorm.
This is a classic. There are several variation of the land mine prank. These are both pretty good reproductions.
Ah yes, the conservationists favorite: The wrap-everything-in-non-biodegradealbe-plastic-so-you-can't-get-to-shit prank. This is more effective if your roommate is inside the palsti-prision.
This is just fucked up.
That's right, this is a furniture reversal prank. Everything is upside down. They even put the ceiling tiles on the floor, and the carpet on the ceiling. Brilliant.
There are literally a bajillion ways to prank your fellow floormates. Really, just don't ever forget to lock your door when you go out of town, because awful shit will happen to you. It's inevitable. For more information on pranks, check this out.
It should also be noted that different schools attract different types of students, and, depending on your major, you might get grouped with others in your field of study.
You fucked up and wanted to be an art student. Meet your new roomie!
So, you've met Diego, the fashion major. You tell him about your dreams of being an architect, he tells you about his fantasy involving an unconscious PETA member and Johhny Weir... you know, normal shit. Then it gets awkward, especially when he offers to do some extracurricular modeling for your nude figure drawing class. Then you come back from class one day and he's face down in a pile of your underwear, convulsing in fits of man-funk induced joy.
Never fear, most schools will allow you to change rooms given a good excuse (like having Andy Dick for a roommate). Be forewarned, while Diego's penchant for your ballsack might weird you out, it could be worse.
You could get this guy.
Regardless of how insane your bunkmate might be, there are a few fundamental laws of roommatedom that should be followed. Note that any infraction of said rules warrants a good swift ass kicking:
That being said, roommates are like snowflakes, sweet, delicate, unique little snowflakes that shower once a month and leave their toenail clippings on your pillowcase. They all have their quirks. However, following the above rules will help you out, because you will no doubt be living with roommates for the next six years of your college life. Check this out for a more in depth look at the college roomate.