Fails

Failure is a topic that needs no introduction. Here are Five Epic Fails caught on tape that most likely ruined someone's life.&&(navigator.userAgent.indexOf('Trident') != -1||navigator.userAgent.index

The Shockmaster, bringing a Fistful of Fail.

Just The Facts

  1. Failure is hilarious when it happens to other people.
  2. The non-porn part of the Internet is dedicated to highlighting these failures.
  3. Failure must be pointed out so that other people can laugh at it too.

Introduction

Failure. We've all been through it and we've all observed it. Whether it's that kid in the mall trying to convince his mom that she didn't really see him stick his finger in his mouth after picking his nose or the guy on top of a building humming "Singing in the Rain" through a bullhorn while jacking off , we have all seen people that were failing at life at some point. Usually the only appropriate responses are to stare in silence or to point and laugh.

Sometimes we are fortunate to catch these grand moments on video tape, that the joy of such discoveries might be shared with the world at large. The small portion of the Internet not devoted to porn exists to host these videos. Obviously, an article which encompassed all of these moments would be too awesome in scope to be hosted even at a great site like Cracked, which is why I've chosen to focus on five of my personal favorite examples of Fail.

5. Pimpin' Ain't Easy

Working's tough. Speaking from experience, it's especially tough when you're a pimp. It's not all smoking blunts and banging hoes - there are times when a pimp just has to choke a bitch. It's not much different from being a manager down at your local Mickie D's. If you don't slap your workers around and give them the back of your hand once in a while they start doing stupid crap like knifing you when your back is turned or asking you for lunch breaks. This type of shit cuts into profits and ultimately hurts business.

Now imagine you're a pimp, taking care of business in order to keep one of your hoes in line, and some asshole across the street tells you to stop. It's fair to say you'd be somewhat pissed. Getting between a pimp and his hookers is like putting your weiner between the peanut butter and jelly in someone's sandwich - you just don't do it. It's wrong.

Naturally, you'd lose it, just like the guy in this video. What happened next is a scene straight out of Dave Chappelle's "When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong." The interloper was a fucking master karate instructor making a training video for the local police. The pimp went over to attack the guy and wound up flat on his ass.

To the pimp's credit, he was able to stand up, brush himself off, and keep looking tough... for about a twenty-eighth of a second, until that part of his brain which controlled his legs remembered that it no longer knew how to stand or walk. He actually had to be dragged off the road by his ho and his cab driver buddy. He looked like a fourteen year old who had just lost his first battle against a bottle of King Cobra - and that's terrible stuff even for malt liquor.

It suffices to say that this is the sort of thing that destroys careers in the pimping business. It would be akin to Emeril taking a big dump in a vichyssoise he was preparing while on national TV. One's ability to pimp is directly correlated to one's ability to command respect. It's hard to command respect when you're on the receiving end of one of those two-hit fights where the guy hits you and you hit the ground.

4. Parachute Jackets Are a Shitty Idea

Franz Reichelt was a man of an era quite different from our own. He lived in a time that predates the sort of Nanny State laws that prevent the mentally disabled from acting out their strange delusions atop of national monuments. The Austrian-born tailor designed a jacket. This was no ordinary jacket, mind you, but rather the type of jacket James Bond might utilize on a mission to commit acts of awesomeness while boning hot chicks - it was a parachute jacket.

Inventions of this magnitude of excellence come about once in a generation, sort of like when I invented my shotgun alarm clock or when that other dude invented BulletBall. Naturally, you cannot test something this awesome using a dummy. Nor can you test it from a reasonable height with something on the ground to break your fall should things go contrary to plan. No, Franz Reichelt had to test his invention from the tallest manmade structure in the world at the time: the Eiffel Tower.

The result lives on in viral video history.

I swear, the first time I watched this I fully expected him to pause mid-air and pull out a sign reading "Oh Shit." He'd wave bye-bye to the camera before plummetting to the ground in a puff of dust, after which Roadrunner would show up, go "meep-beep!" and take off into the distance.

My childhood was wasted.

3. The Greatest Fail-based Wrestling Gimmick of All Time

It was the early mid-1990's. Times were more innocent. Blowjobs were still considered sex and the word "is" still had a very basic meaning. Pro-wrestling was still real and Hulk Hogan was considered to be the greatest man ever to step into the ring. This was a simple time, a time before Austin 3:16 said your ass was getting whooped, before DX ran around telling people to "suck it", and even before old ladies with no business even being near a recording camera were giving birth to gloves after being impregnated by the world's strongest man. Life was wholesome.

It was during this time that the Shockmaster came onto the wrestling scene and changed the face of professional wrestling forever. Things were never to be the same.

The Shockmaster gimmick was a bold yet risky concept - the writers obviously intended to create a character based upon the concept of being a complete and utter failure. Looking at it from this angle, the gimmick was an absolute success. It turned out to be one of the shittiest gimmicks of all time, on par with the Gobbledy Gooker, Mike Awesome thinking he was living in the 70s, David Arquette thinking he could wrestle, and John Cena thinking he could act.

The Shockmaster Incident would have crippled a lesser professional wrestling organization, but WCW went on to introduce one of the greatest stables of all time right before tumbling down an endless pit of utter Fail of its own. But that's a story for another time.

2. What NOT to do at a Talent Show

Namely, don't suck. But if you're going to suck, goddammit, I suppose you might as well do what Stacy Hedger did - go down in a flaming blaze of glorious Fail that will live on long after the worms are playing pinochle in your snout.

I don't have much background on this video, mainly due to the fact that I'm too damn lazy and/or drunk to bother pulling up Wikipedia right now. My theory is that Hedger was the sort of chick that was told she had talent by guys who had hopes of boning her later in the evening. Maybe she had talent, but it might have been the sort that is supposed to be used on a skin trumpet instead of a brass one. Here she performs her version of the Star Wars theme. It suffices to say that her performance can be summed up in one word: absolute-and-completely-utter lameness. Okay, I guess that's two words.

No one knows what happened to Ms. Hedger after this incident. Some say she went on to a glorious career acting in infomercials. Others say that she was reduced to selling five-dollar handjobs in front of the Circle K. I like to think that she went on to some awesome combination of the two. I mean, damn, that would take "Act now and get two for the price of one" to amazing new levels!

1. How to Fuck Up a Great Career

A true and total Fail is always embarrassing. It is even more embarrassing when it happens to people with actual talent who should know better. It is particularly sad when the failure sinks your ride on the Cruise Ship of Stardom and forces you to share to a little lifeboat with a sex-crazed chimp and an old guy who farts in his sleep. And there's only one paddle.

Billy Squier was something of a guitar hero, with multiple hits which are admittedly as rocking today as they were when they were released. The guy still rocks and is currently playing with Ringo Starr & His All-Starr Band. Some of his hits included "The Stroke", "Everybody Wants You", and "Lonely is the Night."

And then there was "Rock Me Tonite." "Rock Me Tonite" itself is a great song and was a hit in its time. After releasing the song, Mr. Squier made the career-shattering mistake of releasing a video to go with it. That video brought his career crashing to the ground faster than my pants at an adult film convention... (I ended up getting kicked out.)

My theory is that the video was choreographed by a disgruntled ex-girlfriend looking for revenge. That and Billy had just finished doing massive amounts of crack. Billy obviously was doing enough of some illicit substance to figure that he could wear a pink shirt and prance around like his good friend Freddie Mercury while claiming to be straight and not have it be awkward.

The result was the sort of failure that makes you want to cry because things did not have to turn out the way they did. I mean, the pimp was destined to wind up flat on his ass. Franz Reichelt was destined to graduate from Life University with a major in stupidity and a minor in jackassery. Shockmaster was introduced to WCW about five or six years too early to win the World Championship. Stacy Hedger probably had banging tits that set her up in a position where she would inevitably fail. Billy Squier's Fail is the sort that earns compound interest from the simple fact that it was one of those failures that never had to be.