Online Advertising

Everyone on the Internet wants something from you, and usually it's money. That, or pictures of you naked and covered in slices of greasy bacon. Either way, online advertising is the way to go about it.

Just The Facts

  1. Online advertising is broadly defined as "the technique whereby purveyors of goods and services attempt to punch you in the eyeballs until money comes out."
  2. $38 billion a year is spent on selling things to the Internet. That's about $23 per user. If you've spent less money than that on products you discovered through online advertising, you owe the internet money.
  3. Online ads often put boobies on sites that don't normally have boobies. So, y'know. Not ALL bad.

Cracked on Online Advertising

While many assume that the best form of advertising is pointing out the merits of a product while playing down its flaws, advertisers long ago came to an agreement that the internet is almost wholly made up of Ritalin-popping sociopaths.

While it's unclear how all advertisers reached the same conclusion about the billions of people who use the web, we can gain some semblance of a theory by looking at the type of people who go into advertising. By their nature, advertisers are interested in "following trends" rather than "new ideas." This makes it very difficult for the advertising industry to adapt to new technologies, and it also means that advertisers are more likely to be interested in what people are saying the comment section (where Ritalin-popping sociopaths tend to conglomerate). Thus, new media marketing techniques fall broadly into 10 categories

  • Boobs
  • Telling you how much you suck
  • Jugs
  • Knockers
  • Bright colors and flashing buttons
  • Chesticles
  • "My one easy secret!"
  • Juddering Flesh Balloons
  • Wholesome discoveries by stay-at-home moms
  • Bosoms