Joseph Stalin

Stalin's portrait is what comes in mind of those who feel the urge to cry out loud "the unbearable horrors of Communism". But he wasn't all murder and war: he also enjoyed simple pleasures of life, like paranoia, mindless genocide and moustaches.

Just The Facts

  1. Joseph Stalin, born Iosip Vissarionovich Djugasvili in Georgia, was one of the worst crazy-ass soviet communist dictators ever.
  2. He ruled from 1924 to 1953 and thoroughly owned Hitler in World War II.
  3. Had an epic moustache.

About a boy

Stalin as a young pal

Just a cigar away from total coolness.

Joseph Stalin, whose ball-freezing surname is actually a nickname (russian for "Man of Steel"), was born in rural Georgia in a family of humble workers. His father seemed to enjoy beating the crap out of him while high on vodka, which actually might have had an impact on his view of interpersonal relationship.

As a youngster he would join the seminary, but he'd soon give up that God and Jesus stuff to get in serious business: communism. Getting in and out of jail as frequently as me not getting laid, he meets Lenin and totally agrees with him: the Zar dictatorship was obnoxious, inhuman and against Man's right to be free and happy. Also, it was Zar's, and not Lenin's, which was the fatal flaw they started trying to work out.

Getting balls-deep in the ever-more-powerfuller (I know it's not a word, but dammit it's the best to describe that) and other hyphen-requiring-awesomeness-related adjectives Communist Party, he was notably appointed the responsibility of ethnic minorities, so much that he wrote a Declaration of the People of Russia, stating authonomy of the different ethnic groups that inhabited the land. He'd wipe his ass clean with it years later, anyway, by simply getting non-russian people in Gulags.


Stalin's way of securing his power was a cunning and subtle strategy which involved double crossing, intelligence data gathering, undercover psychological testing of his allies whose scores would eventually result in a fair process and public declarations of "intention to overthrow the revolution". Or this is what historians thought until they found out the flowchart shown at the beginning.

In fact, many of his fellows - or, at least, those who weren't getting executed at the moment - would send him papers with 500+ names of people likely to deserve getting executed. He would simply scribble a hastily "Da" ("Yes" in russian), which I like to imagine meant more or less: "I'm busy combing my awesome moustache or banging hot russian chicks for the sole reason that I can get their family shot in a second; which I will anyway for the sole pleasure of telling them while getting stinky with 'em, and feeling the frisky and sudden contraction of their assholes, so DON'T BOTHER ME WITH THIS BULLSHIT, MM'KAY?"

Stalin with a beotch

A sometimes harsh, but undoubtedly caring, ladies' man.

Stalin was quite disappointed when he'd find out that there were proofs that his allies (now busy serving as a maggot meal in some anonymous forest) were, in fact, quite allied. So he started rewriting truth, by the means of vintage crop-and-clone which is now used for trivial purposes such as motorboating Keira Knightley's boobies.


"It was a damn foggy day, you see, and the commissar was definitely not there. What commissar are you talking about anyway? Guards, arrest this comrade!"

Gettin' jiggy with it

Stalin was respected and feared throughout the country not only for his moustache (which I believe would have been absolutely worth it) but also because of his paranoia. A famed psychiatrist, Vladimir Bektherev, diagnosed him with a paranoid syndrome. They would eventually find doc dead, in mysterious circumstances, such as "slipped on soap and unfortunately got pierced while falling with an already shot 9mm bullet in back of head". Nobody would ever tell him anything about his strange attitude towards people which led eventually to their death.

As a stunning example, a large building in Moscow has two completely different façades: the architect submitted two drawings to Stalin, who, unaware he had to choose between the two (or, most probably, busy banging the aforementioned chicks or combing moustache), signed both drawings scribbling his famous "Da". So the architect, who was definitely not going to choose before Stalin, built this enormous monument to fear.

Stalin also had an undisputedly key role in the events of World War II: as in a flirt that goes awfully wrong, he invited Hitler to rape his country just for the sake of letting he know "u can't touch this". Many German (or should I say Nazi? can't really spot the difference. I mean today.) soldiers froze their dicks off in Russian winter and lost an epic battle in the industrial city of Stalingrad, mostly because of the casualties inflicted by Jude Law and while Ed Harris was too busy hanging kids and savouring red wine.

Having won the war, Stalin ordered that his Red Army be unleashed all through Germany, where soviet soldiers didn't care much about vital signs of things to stick their thawed dicks in. He then threw a party with Roosevelt and Churchill in Yalta, Ukraine, where among other things they talked about how to dismember the world.

the Yalta buddies

I give you Kamchatka if you take away those red tanks from Northern Syberia.