The Dick Move

The Dick Move. It's persisted through generations for thousands of years. Used by ancient kings and modern assholes, it never dies out.

Office Prank: Harmless Dick Move

Waterloo: Historical Dick Move

Scientology: The Longest Ongoing Dick Move Ever

Just The Facts

  1. While gratifying, remember that a 'Dick Move' is a gateway action to 'Anal Sex'. This has been proven by science.
  2. The greatest Dick Move in history was done by Japan. It's known as Pearl Harbor.
  3. One of the few animals capable of performing a Dick Move is the Blaster Beetle, which explodes burning chemicals from it's ass onto predators.

A Brief History of the Dick Move

Scientists and Archaeologists have studied the Dick Move extensively. The first Dick Move in recorded history was described by a cave painting, when a caveman threw a rock at an unsuspecting predator, then ran away and caused another caveman to be mauled. While classically funny, it's also incredibly simple. As technology advanced, so did the Dick Move. When horse-drawn carriages were the normal form of transport, it was common for drivers to perform a Dick Move by whipping his horse into a frenzy, with a stick or other blunt object, then leaping from the carriage and letting it run wild with the passengers. During the Industrial Revolution, many factory workers, under harsh and unsafe conditions, were killed by machinery. This was often the result of a Dick Move gone wrong. Observe:

"Hey Frank!"

"Hey there, Mikey!"

"Take a look at this, my Roller Press has a smudge!"

"Oh really? Let me have a look!" (Bends over)

(Mikey grabs Frank's head and holds it inches from the machine's rollers) "SEE IT!? HAHAHA!!"

(Frank is suddenly pulled in when his hair gets caught, and is then a pile of rolled entrails. Mikey lost part of his hand. Another factory worker walks over)

"GEE, Mikey, that sure was a Dick Move!"

"Totally worth it!" (HIGH FIVES) "MALTS AND EGG-CREAMS FOR EVERYONE!"

Worth it!

This was a common occurrance, and in fact, 98% of all factory accidents were caused this way. The Dick Move continued evolving steadily with the pace of technology and society. One such thing was a government created and funded Dick Move: The DMV.

Famous Dick Moves Throughout History

This is a short list of Dick Moves through history:

  • Waterloo
  • Invention of the Cannon
  • Piracy
  • Britain attacking America for wanting freedom
  • The Ku Klux Klan
  • Nazis
  • The writing of the Holy Bible
  • Bill Gates' invention of Windows
  • The existance of Oregon
  • The continued existance of Aquaman
  • 2012 Apocolypse Myths
  • 2 Girls, 1 Cup

This is only a very small list. The real list is huge in comparison and scientists who study this, known as 'Dickologists', are constantly finding and researching new Dick Moves constantly.