The Dick Move

"A sudden drive of courage with a remarkable lack of forethought"

Just The Facts

  1. "The Dick Move" qualifies as an act of aggression or indifference from one man to another. (AKA being a Dick)
  2. Example: Leaving your friend at Chipotle when you knew he didn't have a ride, and it was finals week...Fuck you Eric.
  3. The Dick Move is always meant to impress women. Always.
  4. No matter how malicious, someone will find The Dick Move funny...no seriously fuck you Eric, I have summer school now.

Origins: How The Dick Move kept us alive

Imagine you are a Neanderthal. It's the Dawn of Man. You and you're friend Ugg are taking a stroll through the woods, perfecting this new "walking" thing, when suddenly, you hear a noise. A huge Grizzly bear crashes through the trees.

You know enough about bears to run away FAST. So, you and Ugg make a break for it, dodging around rocks, jumping over logs, running until that loincloth chaffs like a son-uv-a-bitch. You see the end of the forest up ahead, beyond it the safety of your tribe. Just one problem...Ugg is a better runner, and you're slowing down.

You and Ugg are side by side. You're sure that bear is going to eat you. Worse, the tribe will make legends of how you went out like a punk.

They'll laugh at you...forever.

It sure seems bleak. But suddenly you have an idea. Just as Ugg is about to pass, you stick out your burly caveman arm and clothesline him. Ugg trips, falls, and gets mauled by the bear; while you return to the village unharmed. In order to save face, you lie. You tell everyone (especially the women) how huge the bear was, and how quickly Ugg hid like a coward. The bear found him though, ripped him to shreds, and as you cradled the dying, bleeding Ugg in your arms, you vowed to avenge him.

Also you killed the bear before coming back to camp, no big deal, whatever.

Thus the Dick Move was born. You, now a successful caveman, went on to have many children, spreading the seed of your betrayal. Your offspring learned the benefits of sabotaging others for personal gain, and as a result they too had many children. Eventually this trait spread across the countrysides, until everyone in the world had a bit of Dick in them.

Way to go!

History's Greatest Dicks (and the Moves they made)

Just like the basement on Dungeons and Dragons night, history is filled with Dicks.

Throughout the ages there have been countless Dicks and Dick Moves. But no indivual can ever compete with the biggest Dicks of all...The Roman Empire.

The origins of Rome were baptized in Dickery. It all began with twin brothers Romulus and Remus. Their mother "released them into the Tiber", which means throwing them into a river and letting nature figure it out. Luckily, they were then adopted by a she-wolf, who raised them with all the love Mother nature could provide.

All the love and care nature can provide.

"Eat your dinner or I will rip your face off"

When they learned about the human world, they decided to leave. And by leave I mean Romulus killed his adoptative mother and made her into a coat. Afterwards they agreed it was time to build a city. Why? Because when you are raised by wolves you'll do anything that you goddamn please.

Eventually they built it, (contrary to the saying, it was in fact built in a day) and things were cool for a while, but the two brothers couldn't decide who would rule. So in the first Dick Move of the empire, Romulus "slew his brother with a shovel"...He killed his own brother, with a fucking shovel. If that doesn't spell D.I.C.K. I don't know what does. He didn't call it quits, oh no, not even fratricide could slake his lust for power. Romulus took it upon himself to name the city after himself, and to spread its boundaries across the globe. That's why the city was named "Rome", and why it went on to rule half the known world.

"We just really needed the land bro. No hard feelings right?"

But the Dick Moves don't stop there. Roman Generals had a knack for conquering the shit out of people. It's not that they were particularly strong or had cunning generals, as Russel Crowe would like you to believe. It's that they were relentless...I.E. they were Dicks.

If you refused Roman rule you would:

Sure they had increased the standard of living for everyone in their empire, and sure they upheld the will of the people with a Republic, but all of that disappeared as soon as Julius Caesar pulls a huge Dick Move and takes over...for life.

Perhaps the biggest Dick Move of all was when Caesar himself was out-dicked by the Senate. By "out-dicked" I mean stabbed repeatadly. This is the origin of that classic line people use when they are betrayed, "Et tu Brute?" which translates to "And you [too] Brutus?" Turns out Brutus was Caesar's bastard son, brought up in the lap of luxury at Caesar's own request. Sure he may have not been around too often, but he put you through Roman college, kinda dickish to just go and and stab him instead of a hollywood-style-father-son moment.

Side Note: It's interesting how calm Caesar was in his final seconds, you know, considering he was stabbed 23 times.

"And you Brut-AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

So Ancient Rome was a giant sack of Dicks. From beginning to Barbarian-invading end. Guess what though? America was inspired by that giant sack of Dicks. The founding fathers hoped to create a country that shared all the same principles. So Dick Moves aren't just a relic of the past, they are alive and well in the modern world.

Understanding Dick Moves of Today

What makes a Dick do what he does? Is it for the recognition? Is it to test the limits of what is socially acceptable? Is it for the sheer thrill of being an asshole? These are all fine guesses, but it's not that complicated.

der women

It's all about der womenfolken.

Dicks make Dick Moves because they want to impress women. It's as simple as that. That's why a caveman would sacrifice his best friend to a bear. That's why a man would murder his own brother for power. That's why a semi-talented rapper would interrupt a young woman's first award show, or claim to be the greatest musician of all time, or embarrass Mike Meyers on National Television.

(Doubtless by the time you read this, jokes about Kanye West will have died and crumbled into oblivion, I use him as an example because he is an easy target. the easiet target)

You might be wondering, "Hey, there are tons of Dick Moves that don't involve getting women, can't some people just be Dicks?" Think about it. A Dick Move is just an expression of dominance, like dogs biting each other's necks. Natural law states that the dominant male gets all the females. The best genes get the choice of the pack, simple biological logic. But we humans are a strange group. Modern fights aren't settled with fists, they are fought using weapons like wit, sarcasm, and general know-how. In the world of today the biggest and the strongest don't always win, so they must make a decision. They can either back down and be second choice to all those damned thinking types, or they can fight back...the old fashioned way. A Dick Move is a response to the fear of inadequacy. By appearing to be the dominant male, people may accept him as one. Whether they know it or not, they're competing for a mate. As pathetic as it sounds, it's working...really well.

Dicks are flourishing in our society. It could be from the decline of our educational system, or the nasty disposition the internet gives us, but for whatever reason there seem to be more every day. There's nothing we can do to stop it. Just sit back and wait for the impending Dickpocalypse.

Unless of course you want to become one yourself.

douche of the century

All it takes is some hair gel, and a couple of Dick Moves.