Interpreting Dreams

Sigmund Freud basically said two things: You're either a fag, or you want to spork your mom. Period, end of story, bad thing is, he was totally right and most of your inner dreams, physiological workings and general musings point in this direction.

Just The Facts

  1. There are dreams that everyone has, these are universal and typically mean the same things.
  2. The scientific study of dreaming and/or dreams is called Oneirology. Championing the cause for "Things that should be obviously named that aren't."
  3. Seriously, Dreamologists, or Dreamology, it's that easy. Who wouldn't want to be a "Dream Scientist."

Dreaming - How The Gay Part of You Hides

Dreaming is in the easiest terms, the act of seeing shit while you sleep in your noggin'. When more science is involved it gets complicated but let's leave it at that. When you shut your eyes at night, something kicks in (Dream-juice) and spreads into your brain cells, then you start seeing stuff or 'thinking' stuff. Most importantly for dreams is the act of R.E.M.

Did I mention that Michael Stipe is gay? Am I making you nervous?
You know...Michael Stipe is gay. Gettin' pretty coincidental right?

Anyway, REM stands for Rapid Eye Movement and it gets real science-y. Roughly, when you sleep your eyes move back and forth very quickly, in conjunction with the pulsing of muscles, brain waves and a bunch of other stuff they probably referenced on an episode of Star Trek. This is where the dreams happen though, during REM sleep. Also this is where your dick starts working it's ass off (if you're a guy.) Nocturnal Penile Tumescense is the random and completely 'dick' move (pardon my pun) of your wiener getting rock solid during REM sleep, roughly three to five times. That's more boners than Gary Glitter gets when he tunes into a episode of Rugrats.

He's coming for you, and even he is surprised about this turn of events.
Even He is surprised he is coming for you.

Just a few more quick facts and tidbits about the abhorrent release of all your inner thoughts and feelings in a imaginary mind bubble:

  1. Dreams are fantastical, and in such allow your sub-conscious to speak to you using various degrees of absurd imagery all of which include phalli (phalluses...phali...dicks, they include dicks.)
  2. Many philosophers and psychologists have conflicting theories on dreams, Freud states they are based in the sexual nature of man, while Carl Jung (his apprentice) states they are more based in archetypes and a collective unconscious. Think of Freud like Captain Picard and Carl Jung as the Queen of the Borgs.
  3. Nightmares are more common than Dreams, as the most common feelings in a dream is anxiety, abandonment, and pain.
  4. Certain foods such as dairy products can enhance the likely hood of dreams happening, this also increases the chances for a man to lactate [citation needed] during his sleep.

Lucid Dreaming - Like Writing Your Own Michael Bay Film

The greatest thing about dreams, is that once you get to control them you can make them do anything you want.

Documentary on Lucid Dreaming
This may or may not have been what I was talking about.

Lucid dreaming has become somewhat of an art form, and not one of those "pseudo" art forms, like typography or font setting. This takes months of practice, mental training and gallons upon gallons of Rocky Road Ice Cream. So Lucid dreaming, is essentially realizing that you are in fact dreaming while you're in the dream, doing this will essentially grant you the power to completely manipulate your dreams in any way you see fit, but, you're dreams don't want this. In a very odd mental act, when you realize that you are dreaming, in many ways your mind will try and take that away from you. Say for instance you're having a dream about boning Megan Fox, like crazy sex -- every fluid is on every wall. In the middle of this dream you realize, "Wait a minute, this scenario is just about too crazy for reality, I must be dreaming!!" Realizing this, you are then instantaneously boning twelve more Megan Foxes, each one more Foxy than the last. Now you may think, "this is incredible how can anything go wrong?" Well your brain, in an act of total cock blocking, will create a scenario that you must respond to, dragging you back into your dream-state. Your brain and mental state will concoct something like this:

Megan Fox #3: "Hey! We're running out of lubricant! There's no way we can continue having sex with you all powerful creator until this desire is fulfilled."

Dreamer: "You make a good point foolish sex creature, I will venture out to obtain more Jelly-Lube."

This is the first image return on a google search for "Sex Lube."
First Image Google Searched: Sex Lube

So yes, your dreams try to foil your own lucid dreaming. It's a big dick move, but what can you expect when it is the only one that secretly knows you're super gay. I mean why else would it prevent you from sex-ing all those Megan Foxes. So we've deduced that lucid dreaming is awesome, and the only reason that your brain tries to fry itself from this state of mental recognition is because it is essentially a Gay Lucifer who happens to also be a really big asshole.

He's laughing because he knows he will succeed.
This is what your dreams look like as a person.

Interpreting Your Dreams - How The Gay You Tells You That Your Gay.

Dreaming is, for the most part, a little bit gay. Don't get me wrong, sometimes it's super awesome, sometimes you drive giant monsters through flaming rings, or you're a dolphin. There are tons and tons of great, interesting things that many people love dreaming about they are:

  • Having sex
  • Flying
  • Fighting
  • Having sex while flying/fighting
  • Fighting while flying
  • Space travel
  • Sex in space while fighting a flying alien
  • Auto-fellatio (Giving yourself a hummer.)

Anyway, these things (minus the last one) are anything but gay and kind of are the definition of being badass. Yet at certain times you will dream about these things:

  • Being a dolphin
  • Being a mermaid
  • Being a silly bird
  • Your 'house' being 'broken into'
  • Being chases by a stranger
  • Being 'stabbed'
  • Drowning
  • Burning
  • Being trapped in a dark, lonely place
  • Listening to Clay Aiken give advice on how to Sew
  • Ponies

All your fears combined into one majestic creature.
Nightmare Pony

These could all be called nightmares by some, and by others HOMOSEXUAL FANTASIES. How could this be?! You played all your cards right in highschool...You never tried out for football or wrestling, you played it safe by going into Drama...with all the girls. Not to mention you were always trying to play grab ass with the fat slutty cheerleader that could barely do a cartwheel let alone a double twisting spin-a-roonie. In college you never experimented, and now you work as a Floor Associate at an A.J. Wright and have occassional sex with random and what may loosely be called "females." You're not gay at all, but how does your brain know otherwise?!

I'll tell you why, because it hates you and wants you to second guess every bit of information that you've ever known to be true.

What's the interpretation for burning? Some will say that it is the destruction of something, or an uncontrollable lust or passion, while others believe it to be a personification of anger. I'll let you know what it means. You're a flaming homosexual. "Sorry Mr. Quarterback, those dreams you've been having about being on fire aren't about your wonderful winning streak. It's because you love penis, and the penis you see in the shower every day is what you love."

How about your house being broken into, or being stabbed, or chased by a stranger? Yeah, all gay. Anal penetration -- all of them.

Drowning? Drowning in what? An ocean or a sea...A sea... what begins with sea? Sea-men? Semen...? Yeah, you're drowning alright in an ocean of man-spunk.

Set Sails For Fun!

Set Sails For Fun! Next Stop...YOUR DREAMS.