The Worst Horror Characters

These guys make a living out of eating your brains and smashing skulls, but if they knew how lame they were, the wouldn't even open the coffin.

Just The Facts

Zyzxx Road grossed $30
"I Am Legend" is the highest Internationally grossing Horror film, even higher than jaws
"The Blair Witch Project" only cost $35k to make and grossed over $248 million internationally

I like to kill people, but do I have what it takes to suck ass too?

It's really hard to meet the needs of the underprivileged horror child. For every Freddy Kreuger and Michael Meyers out there, there are almost twenty more nameless zombies without the clout to even dismember you before taking you offscreen. In this, the Topics pages, it is hard to define what makes a crappy villian,

"I'd like to talk to you about Satan, and his wonderful plan for you."

But rest assured, we here at Cracked really know what to avoid when you're going to go on a murderous rampage of death and explosions. Also, gratuitous nudity...

Let's laugh kids!

Horror movies are supposed to terrify and amaze you with the amount of fecal matter they shove into your jeans beyond their load capacity (see what we did there? load?) but these guys just don't seem to have the panach and urine inducing horror that, say, a typical episode of the Care Bears has...

Case in Point:

Get the Door, it's Domino's!

Seriuosly, what were they thinking? did they just think that people's overt fear of clowns was going to make them go see this. The only people who saw this movie were frat boys trying to get laid through the power of fear and anyone that ever wanted to drink when they saw a clown...

Also, This guy...

"Don't tell your mom, okay?"

Seriously, it wasn't just the bad effects (a little person in a doll suit), it was the laughable idea that anyone would be scared of what amounted to a girl's doll going apeshit and marauding on a murderous rampage. Seriously, why didn't they just kick him? He's the size of a chihuahua!

Seriously, he's watching you masturbate.

The patron saint of children, killing you, with not love.

This is Ridiculous

"Prepare to die, Peter Pan!"

So, if we look in the mirror and say "Candyman" seven times we get eaten by flies or something? This guy got three movies based on this idea. Really? A mirror?

This isn't what they meant when they said we should "go green."

we could do a whole topic on how stupid this movie is, but alas, it's just all sorts of stupid. for some reason, cars, trucks and even vending machines (really? vending machines?) go all John Wayne Gacy on us and try to kill anything they can. More reason's that guy with the van shoulda finished the job...

Redhunteur

07/28/11 03:54 AM

Was the so-called writer under some pressing time deadline when he attempted this mess?

1. I Am Legend: Not a horror movie in anybody’s book.
2. Learn to capitalize words. It’s helpful for the reader in parsing what you write.
3. Learn punctuation. See #2 for more details.
4. Killer Klowns From Outer Space: If the title wasn’t obvious enough to begin with, this movie was a joke as Gingerdead Man, Thankskilling or Pinnochio’s Revenge were.
5. In the first Child’s Play Chuckie was terrorizing and constantly ambushing a small child and his frantic mother, not a football team. And it was specifically a boy’s doll.
6. Santa’s Slay: Another joke movie and not something to be taken seriously. See #4 for more details.
7. Candyman was a cool movie and Tony Todd is the balls. Also, it was inevitable that they would make this type of movie as the ‘stare into a mirror and chant some killers name’ thing terrorized more kids than the boogeyman. See the legend of Bloody Mary for more details. This movie still scares people and you can’t argue with results.
8. Maximum Overdrive WAS a stupid premise but damn that’s an entertaining movie. But it was badly marketed as it was far more action than real horror. Where else can one watch the actress who voices Lisa Simpson dressed as a bride and being chased down by a killer truck or witness death by soda cans?

But seriously, if you want to make bad articles that is super but try to hone your third-grade grammar skills and set up your computer to automatically capitalize your sentences for ya for the love of ass.