Lord Voldemort

Lord Voldemort is the most evil wizard of all time for... so wait he only killed a couple people right? We mean that's still awful but the guy is feared like a motherfucker for being a glorified serial killer? Seriously? Voldemort is a pussy.

Just The Facts

  1. Primary antagonist in the Harry Potter franchise
  2. He is so evil that people fear to even speak his name
  3. Voldemort comes from the French prefix "vol" meaning "cliche" and the latin word "morte" meaning "bad guy"

Cracked on Voldemort

In the Harry Potter series of popular novels and movies, Lord Voldemort is the cheif antagonist and the primary reason for many of the major events set in the franchise. He essentially started the whole series with the murder of Harry Potter's parents, Lily and James Potter. However, Voldemort was such a pussy dark wizard that he couldn't even kill a defenseless baby and instead nearly killed himself. Because of this, Voldemort is perhaps the worst murderer of all time. Let us reiterate this. He tried to kill an infant, and pretty much killed himself instead. Failures don't get bigger than this.

Fuck, well that didn't go according to plan.

Since his embarassing failure, Voldemort was reduced to a mere spirit, regaining an actual body by the fourth book, Goblet of Fire. Voldemort was born Tom Marvolo Riddle, perhaps the most whimsy name ever given to a villain. An excellent student at Hogwarts, Riddle was slowly corrupted into evilness as a cover for his closet homosexuality. It worked.

But something needs to be called to attention. Only a tiny, tiny percentage of people are wizards right? The vast majority of Earth is inhabited by muggles and other non-magical creatures. And among that extreme rarity, only a fraction of the wizarding population were born to muggle parents, Voldemort's primary target. The total number of victims that could possibly be slain by Voldemort is probably like 20. That is a lot of people to kill, but this is WIZARD FICTION - Voldemort certainly has not impressed Cracked with his evil agenda.

Then Voldemort watched Mean Girls with his bffs and texted his Death Eaters about it

Roles in the Books

Sorcerer's Stone

Voldemort is first introduced as the most evil wizard of all time in the first Harry Potter book. His spectacular blunder in failing to murder Harry Potter sets the series' events in motion. Then he kinda dissapears from the entire plot until the very end. He is trying to steal the Sorcerer's Stone (or Philosopher's Stone in the inferior non-American prints of the book), which holds the key to eternal life. Problem is, he doesn't even have a body! So what's a conspirating mass-murderering dark wizard to do?

Wait, that was his plan? Who the fuck thinks of that?

Chamber of Secrets

Voldemort actually doesn't make a direct appeance in Chamber of Secrets, the series' second installment. Instead, his old diary (further evidence that Voldemort is a huge fag) is found by Harry and his memories play a significant role in the plot. Apparently, Voldemort's 16-year old self, through possessing Ginny Weasely (Ron's retarded sister), opened up a secret vault and awakened a giant snake monster that kills people by looking at them.


Even for Voldemort, that's a pretty ingenious and actually evil plan. Props to Voldie on this one, he actually acted like a bonafide villain. Oh yeah, then Harry stops him and murders his diary. Like, he actually kills the book and it bleeds. Yeah.

Voldemort is a troll in the wizarding world. Get it? Troll? Eh...

Prisoner of Azkaban


Goblet of Fire

In the Goblet of Fire, Voldemort directs his influence toward the Triwizard Tournament, a notoriously difficult wizarding obstacle course that could result in death. He disguises one of this followers as a Hogwarts teacher who enters Harry into the deadly competition. Towards the end of the final round, Voldemort captures Harry and is returned to his body in a crude ritual known as the Faggious Rebirthnus. Voldemort then murders a minor character before Harry can escape his clutches.

Then, instead of going after Harry and just killing him, Voldemort just chills for a while. Like he doesn't do anything significant until one year later. He really doesn't understand how to be evil very well.

Voldemort is apparently so evil that his entire physical makeup changed to be a cliche for villain.

Order of the Phoenix

Voldemort shows up at the last minute to try to recieve a prophecy that details his downfall. He is defeated by Dumbledore. Yawn...

This book fucking sucked.

Voldemort will make a cameo in 2013's Harry Potter spinoff Hermoine's New Bod

Half-Blood Prince

In the series' sixth installment, many details about Voldemort's past are revealed. Using a device called a Penseive that can display memories, Harry and Dumbledore observe the road to darkness Voldemort took as a student at Hogwarts. It is here that Voldemort's usages of horcruxes are revealed. Horcruxes are objects that someone splits part of their soul into, effectively making them immortal as long as one horcrux remains in tact. Voldemort probably put his soul into seven different dildos, each for one color of the rainbow.

Why is ten year old Voldemort way more terrifying?

Deathly Hallows

Voldemort plays a much bigger role in the last book than in any of the previous six books. He and his henchmen have taken over the wizarding government and are pretty much executing a genocide on all muggle-born wizards or Jews Mudbloods. Whilst doing so, Voldemort is in pursuit of the Elder Wand, a wand that will never fail. It's like the Master Ball of wands. Anyways, Harry, Ron, and Hermione have to journey to destroy Voldemort's horcruxes before it's too late.




Harry wins and kills Voldemort

Not pictured: Voldemort. Because he DIES