Lord Voldemort
Lord Voldemort is the most evil wizard of all time for... so wait he only killed a couple people right? We mean that's still awful but the guy is feared like a motherfucker for being a glorified serial killer? Seriously? Voldemort is a pussy.
Just The Facts
- Primary antagonist in the Harry Potter franchise
- He is so evil that people fear to even speak his name
- Voldemort comes from the French prefix "vol" meaning "cliche" and the latin word "morte" meaning "bad guy"
Cracked on Voldemort
In the Harry Potter series of popular novels and movies, Lord Voldemort is the cheif antagonist and the primary reason for many of the major events set in the franchise. He essentially started the whole series with the murder of Harry Potter's parents, Lily and James Potter. However, Voldemort was such a pussy dark wizard that he couldn't even kill a defenseless baby and instead nearly killed himself. Because of this, Voldemort is perhaps the worst murderer of all time. Let us reiterate this. He tried to kill an infant, and pretty much killed himself instead. Failures don't get bigger than this.
Fuck, well that didn't go according to plan.
Since his embarassing failure, Voldemort was reduced to a mere spirit, regaining an actual body by the fourth book, Goblet of Fire. Voldemort was born Tom Marvolo Riddle, perhaps the most whimsy name ever given to a villain. An excellent student at Hogwarts, Riddle was slowly corrupted into evilness as a cover for his closet homosexuality. It worked.
But something needs to be called to attention. Only a tiny, tiny percentage of people are wizards right? The vast majority of Earth is inhabited by muggles and other non-magical creatures. And among that extreme rarity, only a fraction of the wizarding population were born to muggle parents, Voldemort's primary target. The total number of victims that could possibly be slain by Voldemort is probably like 20. That is a lot of people to kill, but this is WIZARD FICTION - Voldemort certainly has not impressed Cracked with his evil agenda.
Then Voldemort watched Mean Girls with his bffs and texted his Death Eaters about it
Roles in the Books
Sorcerer's Stone
Voldemort is first introduced as the most evil wizard of all time in the first Harry Potter book. His spectacular blunder in failing to murder Harry Potter sets the series' events in motion. Then he kinda dissapears from the entire plot until the very end. He is trying to steal the Sorcerer's Stone (or Philosopher's Stone in the inferior non-American prints of the book), which holds the key to eternal life. Problem is, he doesn't even have a body! So what's a conspirating mass-murderering dark wizard to do?
Wait, that was his plan? Who the fuck thinks of that?
Chamber of Secrets
Voldemort actually doesn't make a direct appeance in Chamber of Secrets, the series' second installment. Instead, his old diary (further evidence that Voldemort is a huge fag) is found by Harry and his memories play a significant role in the plot. Apparently, Voldemort's 16-year old self, through possessing Ginny Weasely (Ron's retarded sister), opened up a secret vault and awakened a giant snake monster that kills people by looking at them.
SHIT.
Even for Voldemort, that's a pretty ingenious and actually evil plan. Props to Voldie on this one, he actually acted like a bonafide villain. Oh yeah, then Harry stops him and murders his diary. Like, he actually kills the book and it bleeds. Yeah.
Voldemort is a troll in the wizarding world. Get it? Troll? Eh...
Prisoner of Azkaban
Nope.
Goblet of Fire
In the Goblet of Fire, Voldemort directs his influence toward the Triwizard Tournament, a notoriously difficult wizarding obstacle course that could result in death. He disguises one of this followers as a Hogwarts teacher who enters Harry into the deadly competition. Towards the end of the final round, Voldemort captures Harry and is returned to his body in a crude ritual known as the Faggious Rebirthnus. Voldemort then murders a minor character before Harry can escape his clutches.
Then, instead of going after Harry and just killing him, Voldemort just chills for a while. Like he doesn't do anything significant until one year later. He really doesn't understand how to be evil very well.
Voldemort is apparently so evil that his entire physical makeup changed to be a cliche for villain.
Order of the Phoenix
Voldemort shows up at the last minute to try to recieve a prophecy that details his downfall. He is defeated by Dumbledore. Yawn...
This book fucking sucked.
Voldemort will make a cameo in 2013's Harry Potter spinoff Hermoine's New Bod
Half-Blood Prince
In the series' sixth installment, many details about Voldemort's past are revealed. Using a device called a Penseive that can display memories, Harry and Dumbledore observe the road to darkness Voldemort took as a student at Hogwarts. It is here that Voldemort's usages of horcruxes are revealed. Horcruxes are objects that someone splits part of their soul into, effectively making them immortal as long as one horcrux remains in tact. Voldemort probably put his soul into seven different dildos, each for one color of the rainbow.
Why is ten year old Voldemort way more terrifying?
Deathly Hallows
Voldemort plays a much bigger role in the last book than in any of the previous six books. He and his henchmen have taken over the wizarding government and are pretty much executing a genocide on all muggle-born wizards or Jews Mudbloods. Whilst doing so, Voldemort is in pursuit of the Elder Wand, a wand that will never fail. It's like the Master Ball of wands. Anyways, Harry, Ron, and Hermione have to journey to destroy Voldemort's horcruxes before it's too late.
SPOILER ALERT
LAST CHANCE DON'T READ AHEAD
SERIOUSLY, THIS IS THE TOTAL SUM OF THE ENTIRE SERIES
Harry wins and kills Voldemort
Not pictured: Voldemort. Because he DIES
Harry Potter is AMAZING.
ReplyTo be fair, throughout the books it was maintained that Voldemort has killed, tortured and basically enslaved a whole lot of people (tens? hundreds?).
ReplyHe killed that ghost girl in the toilets, his father, his grandparents, Harry's parents, Cedrick and a few of the Hogwarts teachers, among a whole bunch of other random people.
Then again, us sad fans can hardly expect a site like Cracked to remember the "good" bits of the book.
Articles like this (although is actually pretty hilarious) border quite a lot on trolling... which means they almost always accentuate the worst.
Like the article said, he's a glorified serial killer. Dexter has a higher body count than Voldemort...
great article :D except for the spelling errors.. so :\
ReplyThe first chart on this page made me wonder, who actually is the teacher of this "villain curriculum?"
ReplyThis was a pretty funny article. And yeah, the only time he ever really was a true threat was in Chamber of Secrets and the Deathly Hallows.
1: Create gold
Reply2: Sell gold
3: Pay gang member to kill harry
4: Profit
Lord Voldemort couldn't kill Harry because his mother Lily sacrificed herself for him. Which also seems pretty f*****g gay. I mean Harry's a wizard right? Could we at least give him some baby wizard powers to make Voldemorts fail a little less suckish?
Replyralph fiennes' interpretation of ole voldy is nothing short of a gay butterfly. seriously, that scene in the graveyard in the fourth movie - f**k that scene. i read all the books and i pictured voldemort to be a badass-tall-creepy as fuck-human face dropped in a vat of acid-raging eyed-wizard and we get that? ralph prancing around with his robes. it's the complete opposite of what's on the book. f**k you mike newell for f*****g up that scene. and f**k you steve kloves for f*****g up the screenplays. the lord of the rings triology was pretty much on par with the books, why the f**k did you have to f**k up that? seriously, f**k your shit.
Replyregarding the article, totally agree with it - voldy can look pretty ruthless and badass in the books, but if you give it some thought, the guy's pretty much a pussy.
dear god whyd you post the second link my brain has been raped.
ReplyDude come on. Voldemort was at least more evil than Lord Farquaad. He only killed some bears and a gingerbread leg.
ReplyExcellent. I thought it was hilarious how the only villian less evil than Voldemort was Sid from Toy Story.
Reply"It's like the Master Ball of wands"
Replyrofl
What's a Pheonix?
ReplyI believe he is talking about Wesley Snipes' character from Demolition Man.
A Pheonix is a feir brid that most of fantays wroks featrue it in them, is like the archetypical "maigc brid"... yep...
Loved the strike-outed "Jews" there. Voldemort sure had a lot in common with Adolf Hitler.
ReplyThat was exactly what I was going to say. Pay Attention people: VOLDEMORT IS HITLER!
But instead of having a bowl hair and a square moustache (that if you put together, form a sorta skull, lol), Voldy is actually all the contrary. Like... no, I don't want to know how much...
I was reading the article and all was going great until I hit the pic of the blond "Hermoine". To make a long story short, this article took longer to read then any other on Cracked...ever! The chick in that pic sure knew how to 'activate' my 'wand', if you know what I mean. If you don't, it means "she is so f*****g hot I got a bonner".
ReplyGods above, I want to see that new movie "Hermoine's New Bod"!!
Holy s**t, best topic in a while.
ReplyI agree about Voldemort, as soon as I saw him in the Goblet of Fire I was like, "Billy Corgan?"
I think the evilness chart gets it wrong. Voldemort is the epitome of evil and that's what makes him such a bad character. He's just evil incarnate rather than an interesting character who happens to be evil like Hannibal Lecter. Harry having defeated Voldemort as a baby doesn't mean Voldemort's weak so much as Harry gets all the powers JKR wants him to when she wants him to.
Replyyeah but seriously his arch enemy is a teenager and he spends like 5/6 of all the books just hanging out until the end
on the other hand, you have to give the man credit: Bellatrix LeStrange is absolutely in love with him, and she's played in the film by Helena Bonham Carter and her huge... "tracts of land"
Reply