IQ Tests

IQ tests are the attempt by white, middle class, educated professionals to determine how white, middle class and educated you are.

Awaiting inspiration to strike. Like lightning, it is unpredicatable.

Just The Facts

  1. There are many different standardised IQ tests. Why?
  2. The most wide ranging test your pattern recognition, mathematical ability and cognitive skills. If you understood that you will probably get a decent score.
  3. Unlike most other tests, a high score is no aid to actually becoming employable.

What are IQ tests?

IQ, or Intelligence Quotient Tests, are a series of standardised, and frequently contradictory, tests which supposedly measure and assign a numerical value to the subject's intelligence. Because numbers are science.

Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale-IV

Released in 2005, this is the generic IQ test, used by businesses, colleges, and sad, intellectually elitist organisations to pigeonhole you as a success or a total failure. It tests verbal comprehension, perceptual reasoning, working memory and processing speed, and compares them to 2200 US and 688 Canadian citizens. So it gives a valid result if you are a US or Canadian citizen who is the sort that responds to surveys. In other words - the bar is pretty fucking low on this one.


Wechsler Intelligence Scale for Children

Currently on version 4, this is the test school children are given in high cost private schools, requiring no reading and writing to be carried out. We find that somewhat disturbing, the conjunction of high cost and no reading. We know heiresses are dumb - but that dumb?

Hey - you try a GIS for preppy schoolgirl!
And doesn't the whole schoolgirl thing make you uncomfortable anyway?


Initially based on mental retardation studies, this was the first general IQ test. Discredited now, mainly due to the concept of "mental age" - which has not translated well to the internet society, where the average mental age is 4.

The rise of the internet brought a new lease of life to retardation studies.

How to Pass an IQ Test

Read every fucking day. Books, newspapers, comics - it really doesn't matter. Work on reading slower, without moving your lips, and letting the information soak into your head, rather than skimming the book between turns on the Wii.

The sooner you start, the easier it is.

If you have at least ten days (preferably one month) before your test, train your working memory. How? Google it you idle bastard. Or be spoon fed. If you really trust a comedy site to train your memory, you may as well just not bother showing up.

Yes, you can waste money too!

Get a good night's sleep and eat breakfast. Fucking obvious, but sadly neglected. Please note that two hot pockets, a beer and a burrito are not a balanced breakfast.

They don't know my test isn't until next year.

Relax. Do something to clear your mind and ... oh, that was quick. Try to go for a walk. Detailed instructions on walking are available for download in pdf or word format.

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Caffeine has been shown to increase alertness and intelligence. If you can drink a Red Bull beforehand, then it may boost your IQ score. Or fuck you over completely with jitters and lack of concentration - your call.

Get comfortable. STOP!!! Do not remove your pants! Panic attacks are a bad idea. So don't cause any, it ain't a fucking olympic medal you are after.

Do we need to tell you how to deal with the test itself?


Eliminate incorrect answers and skip over questions you don't know. You can always go back to them. You'll have the time.

Do IQ Tests mean anything?

Well, the Guiness Book of Records holder for the highest IQ, Marilyn vos Savant writes an advice column for Parade magazine. And Walt Disney, Albert Einstein and Micheal Dell all dropped out of high school. You do the math.

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