Swine Flu

A guide to the piggy plague and how it will breeze past you like avian flu to a duck. This mild flu may be the worlds' most high profile cause of a sore throat at this point in time, but it isn't time to live in bubble just yet, and here's why.

What haunts my dreams

the face of flu

Swine Flu- Revenge of the Bacon

Just The Facts

  1. Swine influenza is also known as; Swine Flu, H5N1, Mexican flu, North American flu, and (for those who have difficulty with the letter S and/or combinations of words with a syllabic value greater than 2) Pig Flu.
  2. You CANNOT get Swine Flu through eating pork. (Unless you harvest your own personal supply on unvaccinated pigs for bacon)
  3. Swine Flu will manifest as a Flu, symptoms might include; sneezing, coughing, having achy joints, headaches, vomiting, nausea, sore throat, chills and fatigue.
  4. Even a bunch of teenage douchebags have admitted it was not that dangerous.

Cracked on Swine Flu

So before an explanation as to the nature of swine flu, here is the whos' who of flu:

WHO: The World Health Organization, a giant UN health organization with the intent of improving global health through any means possible, and I do mean ANY means. WHO spends a large amount of its time actually doing a relatively good job assisting those without healthcare in underdeveloped countries, but every now and then WHO likes to prove it is not just a humanitarian effort and attempts to legitimize itself by informing a misinformed public that there is a threat of pandemic. They occasionally neglect to mention to captain hypochondriac that the “imminent” threat applies mostly to the at risk, and for those of us who are neither infants nor elderly washing our hands and not sharing drinks with the diseased public, we will most likely never see the contract the virus.

A reason not to fear the pigs: bacon cheesecake

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WHO loves to scare people with statistics, and by Jove they do a better job of it than if Jason Voorhees was holding the power point remote in one hand and his machete in the other. Every year it seems they come out with global numbers which announce around the world 'millions will DIE of disease X!' Instantly causing every person not in the loop to panic while neglecting to mention the majority of deaths are in locations with no water supply, no regular food, and a large open sewers in the town. Look outside your window now. If you see this, you are high risk to die from whatever the disease of the month is.

Closer to home is the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and the Agency for Toxic Substances and Disease Registry (ATSDR), they work hand in hand to provide an intelligent response to disease outbreaks. They manage do this in a terrifying way; all diseases they deem must be reported (from STD, to food poisoning) are reported to them on diagnoses, then put on the map to find high risk areas and how to contain them. Sounds nice, but they are a paranoid flighty bunch that is spooked by even the presence of microbes. I worked with a few of their employees for almost a year, and it was as if a sneeze was tantamount to firing a gun into a crowd. 


DON'T PANIC! There are consequences: <a href="http://www.cracked.com/blog/28-days-swine-flu/" rel="nofollow" >when swine flu kills</a>

Swine Flu has been around for many many years, and in fact there have been quite a few cases. The problem is prior to 2009 Swine flu was contracted when Person A touched Infected Pig B,  if a Person B came into the equation Person A could not infect them. Because not many people go around touching  pigs, it has never been a problem of mass contagion.

Time to stop praying for flying pigs to deliver the mountain bike your parents promised you.

Recently the Swine Flu has “mutated”. Pigs are very clean animals in appearance, but as animals they are a bacterial mixing pot with immune systems capable of taking a load of multiple viruses without any massive damage to the pig, they can contract all manners of viruses from human to even avian. One theory is that this particular strain of mutant swine flu is a combination of several flu’s which a pig contracted, allowing them to combine into a kind of super pig flu with the ability to jump from person to person like the normal flu. This does not make it more dangerous, it is still just like having mild flu, which is also unlikely to give you superpowers.

As usual the second this pig flu became transmissible between people, it was in Mexico, and those first infected searched for medical  assistance and finding themselves in Mexico, were screwed. Because the flu is dangerous even without its swine element, quite a few people died of it before the Mexican government took notice, but finally a new flu was recognized and catalogued.

Unfourtunately as our immigration rates have shown, what happens is Mexico does not actually stay in Mexico, and soon after spring break (when every person under the age of 21 with money heads to the first country where they can binge drink until their liver has an alchohol content of its own) this mutated swine flu found its way back into the United States. The CDC quickly deemed it a threat and put extra caution into tracking it down. WHO was shortly made aware of the situation and then all hell broke loose. In their usual attempt to make the world pay attention to them, they declared it a pandemic, and true to form the population turned into a giant screaming mess and you could not find a facemask for love nor money.  

How to use swine flu to your advantage

How to get...

1) free bacon: catch plague, go to a supermarket, join customer returns line with a large quantity of bacon and claim you have swine flu from their stock via the method of screaming and sneezing. Before they evacuate and get rid of their poison bacon, kindly offer to take some of it off their hands.

2) a large area of public space to yourself: rub large quantities of vaseline onto your eyelids and wrap up in warm clothing, enter desired public area, a particular favourite being public transport, and you will find yourself admiring the glory that is having large sections of space to yourself. Use wisely, women will not find this a turn on and it should not be used to hog the cinema or similar on a date.

3) out of any sort of commitment: encourage an outbreak, but don't take a road trip to Mexico with your newfound freedom, unless your commitment involves prison in some way.

What Uganda's Leading Website has to say

The New Vision:

Swine Flu: Pigs Alright say Heath Officials


well thank you for that