Places Vampires Most Likely Live

An underground fortress is my first thought. Then again I'm much more intelligent and sexually proficient then most. Lets have a look at what some places vampires chose to live.

A night club?..Okaaay...

An old farm house?..Not the best choice..

Are you fucking kidding me?!?

Just The Facts

  1. Vampires (the real kind, I would stake myself if I were one of those ) burn when exposed to sunlight, therefore windows are a bad idea.
  2. Vampires sleep during the day, so places where people might be during the day are not good choices.
  3. Vampires are vulnerable while sleeping, I shouldn't have to tell you that public places should be off limits.
  4. Vampires are allergic to garlic. Don't look for them in Italian restraunts. If you manage to find a vampire there, they are either very confused, or not really a vampire.

Apparently vampires are retarded.

You were probably thinking, "In a castle". Wrong. I can't count the number of times I've strolled through a random castle looking for a vampire to fuck up. Or maybe you were thinking "In a cave". Well you're wrong again...and an embarasement to your parents (they never wanted you anyway). It would be all to easy for anyone, even a virgin such as yourself, to stroll right in during the day and stake one of the undead bastards. As ignorant and insane as those choices reveal you to be, you're not even close to the black hole of coherent thought that is the stupidity of the avarage vampire.

Lets take a look at some bad examples:

Secretly, I'd totally do Brad Pitt.

Gay vampires lived here.

Great minds do think alike, unfortunately for Lestat and Louis so do vampire minds. If by "vampire minds" you mean "dirt eating retarded" minds.

Dracula, WTF dude?

Dracula, WTF dude?

The Dracula lives here? I've had sturdier shits than this.

You don't need a P.H.D. to be a cliche.

Vampires are creatures of the night, nocturnals. If they go into the sunlight, they'll fry like an egg on the surface of the sun (I don't care what you dumbfuck Twilighters say), they tend to have an odd aversion to garlic, and can be killed by putting a wooden stake through their heart.
Of course, a wooden steak is probably equally effective.
Of course, a wooden steak is probably just as effective.
But, who am I kidding? I'm just telling you things you already know. Okay, so vampires drink blood, right? Thus, according to many Far Side and other single-panel newspaper comics I have seen, I assume that one of the most likely dwelling places for a vampire is a blood bank. Think about it. People coming to donate blood, there's no sunlight, and the only variation of garlic that may be met is the breath of mortals. Anyway, it's simple common sense, surround youself with what you love. If you like food, live by a grocery store. If you're a gynecologist, live with the female-only Greek Amazon warriors. If you're a rule 34 activist...well, you get the idea. Only question, how does a freaking vampire manage to hide in there? Simple. You know how there's always that one out-of-order stall that won't open? There's a vampire in there. When it's not the Chupacabra, anyway.