Cockblocking

Cockblocking is the ancient art of blocking a man's cock from a woman's vagina.

Don't let this happen to you...

Just The Facts

  1. Cockblocking is a dick move
  2. Cockblocking is not just done in clubs
  3. Getting your cock blocked can be prevented

Different Types of Cockblocking

FOR ENTERTAINMENT ONLY DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME OR IN BARS, CLUBS, LIBRARIES, GROCERY STORES, VICTORIA'S SECRET, THE FOOD COURT, MCDONALDS, OUTSIDE, OVER THE RIVER, THROUGH THE WOODS, GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE, OR ANYWHERE.

The Third Wheel

What: The third wheel is a third party individual that takes the appearance of your best friend or your girlfriend's best friend (gender bias unintentional) accompanying you 2 on a date. This is the most passive form of the Cockblock and is always the fault of the party who broght the friend.

Prevention: The Third Wheel is a 50/50 on whether they would benefit your getting laid or cockblocked. If it's your friend, then tell them to fend for themselves. If it's her friend, learn about them and get them to like you so you can get laid in the future. The third wheel is a short term cockblock, so there's no real threat...unless the chick invites a friend to every outing or adventure you 2 go on.


Wing Man: Class Douche

What: When hitting up a club, one should always have a wing man. If that wing man helps you with picking up a hot little blonde and tells her you have herpes, then you don't want him around. The winged cockblock from the douche class is one of the most aggressive forms of cockblock mostly due to the action taken to steal the mark he helped you with.

Prevention: The only sure-fire way to make sure that your wing man isn't the douche class, is to ensure one thing: your wing man is married and totally faithful. If they're whipped, then they won't even help you because the leash they're on only streches 2 feet from their ball and chain. The only other way is to keep an eye on your wing man and make sure he doesn't try to pawn you off to the fat one.


The Big Fat Friend

What: This is the most common defense women have against your weather vain. The BFF isn't necessarily a woman, but they tend to be the tiger shark to the hottie's remoras. They offer protection from predators (you) and maybe are the only friends who have a car.

Prevention: The BFF can be blocked by the wing man classified as: Nondiscriminating Friend, or NDF for short. The NDF is the guy who always wears beer goggles and doesn't care until he wakes up next to Chubacca the next morning. The BFF only cockblocks because she can't get any cock and tends to be jealous if you hit on her hot friend. The NDF can also work on gay men who are bitch or butch, but instead of Chubacca, they will wake up with a sore ass and next to Toby Keith.


The 1upper

What: The random guy is the douchiest cockblock you could ever run across. When you seem to think you have your mark, this guy swoops in seemingly out of nowhere and says something to show you up no matter how obtuse it is. For example when you say, "I live in a semidecent studio apartment," the 1upper will take this oprotunity and say, "I live in a condo on the Upper East Side."

Prevention: The 1upper can only be honest about where he lives and anything major in his background. That being said, there's only one way to stop them: Bar Fight. The moment you see the 1upper, calmly tell him that he's being rude and to "please leave." If that doesn't work, say "excuse me" to the lady and break a beer bottle. Hold it to the neck of the 1upper and say they're being rude, try not to shake so the bluff is more believable. If he calls your bluff and tries to take it from you, kick him in the nuts and pray he doesn't have any friends in the bar.

The Parents

What: This cockblock is pretty self explanitory. The parents of the woman or girl you're after will do everything in their power to make sure that the girl stays "pure."

Prevention: This can be prevented a number of ways, the most common is to make sure that you're not committing statutory rape by dating a 7-year-old. The next way to prevent this block is if you're meeting the woman's parents for the first time, stay in a hotel. The easiest way to prevent the parent block is to date a girl whose parents are dead.

Cracked on Cockblocking

When thinking of cockblocking, one would say it's never happend to them. That being said, we call bullshit on that little fact. Every man from Jon Heder to Ron Jeremy has had their cockblocked. Those who fail to recognize the different types and how they can be prevented are the people we call virgins.