Jabba The Hutt

Of all the colorful characters and creatures of Star Wars Jabba was always one of my least favorite villains.))

The most feared gangster in the galaxy. Really?

Just The Facts

  1. Jabba is a disgusting slug like creature. Who I imagine probably smells like Kirstie Alley's bedroom.
  2. Hutts are the mafia of space.
  3. Salcious Crumm was probably his only true friend.

Is Jabba that scary?

Upon review of a creature like Jabba on appearance alone might make you think Oprah's off the wagon again, but Jabba wasn't always a slug. At one point Marvel comics made him a tall humanoid with a walrus-like face, a topknot, and a bright uniform. But of course only a sexless nerd like myself would know this. Jabba hangs out on Tatooine most of the time watching his sex slaves dance for him while smoking copius ammounts of what I'm guessing is space pot, because space meth, or crack would have given Jabba a much more lean build. We first see Jabba in The Return Of The Jedi, or A New Hope if you consider the special edition CGI jabba who moved quiet well without the aid of his platform Jazzy. In ROTJ he has colleceted his trophy of Han Solo frozen in carbonite. The twisted tortured face of Solo lays Jabba at ease, but little did he know that this would be the beginning of his end. Since the film starts without saying how much time has passed in between Empire and Jedi I assumed it had been at least a year or so. Luke Skywalker sends his incompetent homo-sexual droid See Threepio and his life partner R2-D2 to try to set up an audience between now Jedi Master Luke and the notorious crime boss. Jabba laughs at this request and steals Luke's droids. After realizing his droids had never returned the wise Jedi master sends his sister next to infiltrate Jabba's compound as a ballsy bounty hunter who managed to rope in a 7ft. wookie that could have torn her limb from limb like she was celery. Jabba is clearly impressed with the no bullshit attitude of this new bounty hunter and throws a wicked kegger in celebration of capturing the famed wookie Chewbacca. Once everyone had passed out or had been shot trying to to prove who had the better aim, Leia moves out of her position as a bounty hunter and frees Han Solo, but she forgot one thing. Jabba has insomnia. He reveals himself and his gang to Leia and Han (somehow she didnt notice him moving around and waving his men over. Mad as hell that his brand new wall ornament has been vandalized Jabba throws Han in jail with Chewy and tells Leia that shes going to do things even drunk sorority girls wouldn't do. By this time Luke realized that his plan was pretty weak, and that he could have just ended it with a quick slash and dash operation. So what does he do? He finally comes to Tatooine to face Jabba personaly. He tries a few parlor tricks on Jabba who laughs in his face and tells him that his Jedi mind trick only works on retards like his creamy skinned secretary. Luke realizes he is faced with few options with his friends ALL IN JAIL (except Lando) and begins to offer Jabba a deal. You let my friends go and you live. Jabba, being the gangster that he is, says 'Fuck that!' and sends Luke down to see his exotic and most likely illegal pet the Rancor. Luke shows his jedi chops here by defeating the Rancor without his lightsaber. Luke brings the beast down and makes his owner cry and blubber. Jabba is furious at this point, no Han trophy, no Rancor, but at least he still had Leia and her hot body at his mercy. So Jabba decides that the good times are over and that the only way to fix this is the dump his enemies into the Sarlaac pit. Finally all the characters are back together. Jabba and his men move onto his sail barge, which is basically his party yacht and take a ride out the sarlaac pitt. Jabba feeling that maybe he was to harsh and quick to decide gives his prisoners a chance at redemption, but again is told to fuck off. Just as they are about to execute Luke he nods to R2 and R2 launches his lightsaber into the sky. Luke fakes a fall jumps back up on deck lightsaer in hand killing fools. Lando and Han somehow end up screaming at eachother this whole scene, and Boba Fett goes into the sarlaac pit. Meanwhile Jabba is so shocked that this is happening to him that Leia grabs the chain from around her neck and chokes the shit out of the fat slug. Now I would like to argue that a giant alien slug, no matter how fat and gross, is much stronger than a 20-something princess in a metal bikini and could have easily flung her off of him. Furthermore if Salcious Crumm was such a good buddy how come he didnt help Jabba while the life was being choked out of him? He cold have scratched Leia or bitten her. Something to help his fat fuck friend. But instead he and everyone else just kinda stands around in the dark while Jabba screams for help. Eventually he dies and Leia escapes with her brother and the movie goes on. But Jabba would reappear later in The Phantom Menace hosting a the race that wins Anakin his freedom and ultimately sets him on his path to become Darth Vader. So in a way Jabba helped make him.