Billy Mays

Billy Mays was a television infomercial presenter and the result of a broken home. Seniors or those with hearing problems that require a hearing aid are advised to change the channel when they hear the words "Mighty Putty."

On a positive note, Billy Mays has lost weight.  Good for him.

You don't mess with Mays.

Just The Facts

  1. Billy Mays yelled everything. Here at Cracked, we like to think he even yelled while sweet talking to his wife Deborah.
  2. Billy Mays has done commercials for a shit-ton of products. These include such gems as Mighty Putty, The Ding King, and The Handy Switch.
  3. It is widely agreed that hours of footage of Billy Mays pitching products are best used to make Youtube Poop. Youtube Poop is best described as poop, on Youtube.
  4. Billy Mays introduces himself at the beginning of every commercial with the phrase "BILLY MAYS HERE WITH...." This is believed to appeal to the kind of consumers that would invest their hard earned money on "What Odor?"
  5. According to the man himself, "The only thing that can hurt Billy Mays, is Billy Mays." Oh, and slight turbulence on an airplane.
  6. Billy Mays died in his Florida home on June 28, 2009. Rest in peace you sweet man.

Cracked on Billy Mays

Billy Mays can be identified by his characteristic sweet beard and stylish blue shirt. Readers may note that the consumers of Mighty Putty can be broken down as follows:

5%- People who lose links in there chains.

11%-  People who find Billy Mays sexually attractive (We're talking to you, age 50-68 year olds!).

15%- Citizens of the Southern USA.

69%- People who buy it as a novelty, not realizing this was Billy's intention. This must be the only explaination as to why Billy Mays is a flippin' millionaire.

It is important to take into account that if Billy Mays were to die, the resulting funeral would attract more viewers than the season finale of Lost. 

Edit: He's dead now. Point proven.

 

 

 

But Wait, There's More!

 Mays is the star of the Discovery Channel's programme Pitchmen. Billy's importance in Pitchmen is questionable, as any idiot can see that any invention is worthy of a Billy Mays commercial ( see Tool Band-it). According to Mays, he is an avid user of every product he markets. Despite our optimistic attitude here at Cracked, we find it difficult to imagine a household in which Mighty Putty, Mighty Putty Wood, and Mighty Mendit all have relevant uses.