Igloos

There is seriously nothing funny about Igloos. Think of the last time you heard a joke where the word "Igloo" was used in a manner that didn't derive the funny from the way it sounds. Igloos are serious fucking business -- just ask the Eskimos.

It's a vicious cycle.

Just The Facts

  1. Igloos are literally "snowhouses" made from discarded SnoCones.
  2. Igloos provide all the warmth and love a normal 2x2x2 ft. house can offer, and you should totally start a fire inside one for extra comfort.
  3. It is actually impossible to construct an igloo unless you absolutely have to in order to survive. Remember that the next snowday and save yourself the valuable effort you could be using to make a retarded Quasimodo snowman abomination.

The Past

Although it's rather difficult to pinpoint the exact moment someone decided to pile a bunch of snow into a roomy deathtrap, Inuit folklore does offer some insight.

It is said that long before the last Ice Age, the inuit people were well-content on their comfortable penninsula of the future Alaska. Their homes were built from wood or whatever, no one really cares to mention that in the story.

Upon the encroaching global winter, one Inuit man* found himself stranded in a relatively unheardof snowstorm.

*The name of the man varies based on who's telling the story; "Nanook", "Conan", and "Lou Bega" are all common deviations.

"A little bit of Eskimo, in my blood / A little bit of blue whale, that's what I love"

The snow getting high, our hero decides he's not going to just roll over and die, so he begins emulating the basic human neccesities out of snow in hopes of a better chance of survival (anything is better than zero).

After eating the snow made his head hurt, and after fucking the snow made his manstick shrivel, he went right to basic human neccesity number three: shelter.

Damn... I really thought snowfucking would get me somewhere.

Surprisingly, there were many ways our Inuit retard could go about forming a shelter out of snow. Since there was a virtually limitless supply of the fluffy stuff, he had no reason not to construct the greatest (and first) snow building the world had ever seen. It is said that he toiled for days, using all of his energy to construct what he thought would be an everlasting, permanent home for himself and his family, should he ever see them again.

Archival footage of the very first snow shelter, just down the hall from the very first snow casino.

Unfortunately for the brave man, he would never get to use his incredible construction. It is said that the Inuit gods of nature felt the talented man was being too much of a showoff, and sicced a wooly mammoth on him and his elegant creation.

The man died along with his snowshelter, but not in vain. Behind, he left a legacy of people who decide to build their homes from shit that falls from the sky.

Less famous but equally retarded are the ancient Kalapana of Hawaii, whose magma houses led to their downfall.

The Present

Just as Halloween was based on a necessary tradition of villagers giving away candy to ghouls so they wouldn't eat their children, igloos have become the fodder of small children everywhere.

And why not? What child hasn't envisioned creating their own snow empire in their front yard, with free cable and COLOR TV!

"You know, that was a feces-hut before it snowed. Now it's an igloo!"

Alas, the same fate must meet all regulation igloos. The combination of the unforgiving sun, the unstable nature of snow crystals, and just the general lack of engineering knowledge results in a dangerous pungie-pit of impossibly sharp ice spikes. But hey, let the kids be kids -- they'll learn from their dismemberment.

"Timmy, stay away from that dying creature. Let it have peace."