Books

Sadly in more recent years, literature has taken a turn for the worse with the introduction of authors such as Stephanie Meyers. Here's a look at what's good, and what's not.&&(navigator.userAgent.inde

Shakespeare's turning in his grave.

Just The Facts

  1. The majority of people who actually wrote decent books ended up committing, or attempting suicide.
  2. Women who wrote before the year 1920 talked about the failure of the aristocratic system. Now, it's all about finding love on a beach with a waxed, tanned man named Julio. Let's be real, no one named Julio nowadays is straight ladies.
  3. Romance is the most boring topic in Literature since Ben Steins voice.

It was the best of times...

It is now the worst of times.

The modern day book has been subjected to being a 300 (at most) page book, full of vampires, wizards, and everything else that doesn't actually exist but people would like to think they do so they can carry on their pitiful lives thinking they can sparkle in the sun, or perhaps fly on that broom in the closet. I'm sure we've all see our Aunt Cathys hiding away in their rooms, dressed all in black while rubbing that long stick of wood between their thighs. I'm not talking about a penis. That's what Harry Potters' done for the world. It's not to say that J.K. Rowling doesn't have talent, because I'm sure she does. But I'll let you decide whether or not she actually sucked the ink from that other woman's pen who alledgedly wrote Harry Potter and the Wanking Hobbknockers Stone.

There are other writers out there though, that actually don't deserve to be famous at all for their books. Like I have brought up many times before this, Stephanie Meyers. First of all, the woman looks like Sandra Bullock after a failed Facelift. Second of all, her books are littered with grammatical errors, an extreme amount of unneccessary adjectives and false facts thrown upon those whom we Bram Stoker readers would like to call Nightwalkers. So, here is a little section I'd like to call "Why Twilight is All Bad"...

Why Twilight is All Bad...

- The main girl in the book is called Bella Swan. How original. Her name is Italian for "beautiful swan". Yet, in the book, they give her absolutely no personality. In the movie, they pick the most skeletal, depressing, big eared bitch to portray a literary character since Gollum was given that spot in The Lord of the Rings.

- Edward Cullen is not real. Every time I walk down the street though, or go into a Mall, I witness countless amounts of girls wearing shirts that say "Team Edward". That's the equivalent of saying your favorte Ben Affleck film is "Gigili". Everyone knows that movie doesn't actually exist, nor does a team dedicated to worshipping a bloodsucker.

- Up until these books came out, it was presupposed that Vampires would burst into flames if their skin was even touched by a ray of light. Now, these bloodsucking bitches are out in a field in the middle of the day, playing baseball and sparkling as they do. Who does Stephanie Meyers think she is, changing the status quo? You stay in your coffins vampires, leave baseball to the Yankees and Sox.

- SPOILER ALERT: In one of these crappy novels, Edward Cullen gets Bella Swan pregnant. How does this work? Edward Cullen is a vampire, meaning he is dead, meaning his ability to produce semen is equal to that of Clint Eastwood. Also, isn't having sex with a dead guy...necrophilia? Great going Stephanie Meyers, adding onto the list of uneccessary fetishes this book implies.

- Last but not least, Twilight is all bad. The only person beneffiting from the making of these books is the CEO of Hot Topic.

The Best of the Best...

Now that I've talked about possibly the worst author that was ever born, let's actually think about books and wordsmen that deserve to be acknowledged.

Kurt Vonnegut

Besides being a personal favorite, it is safe to say that Kurt Vonnegut is the coolest asshole since John Dillinger. In what other book can you read about time travel, war, porn and yet have an underlying bibilical analogy? Okay, maybe the Chronicles of Narnia, but I'm talking about the real nitty gritty, not that Tolkien bullcrap. A few excellent reads are Slaughterhouse Five, Sirens of Titan and Cats Cradle. I would really suggest reading any of those, especially if you're anti-war or anti-religion. A combination of those two things, and you're instantly a Vonnegut fan. Though his books are warped, and don't always make sense, the truth behind most of his work is astounding. Because most of these books were written in the 60's and 70's, his presumptions about the future are eerily similar to the world we know today.

Richard Wright

The coolest african-american author out there, no lie. His books are usually about oppression against blacks in the early 1900's, and it sounds so dreadfully boring when you put it that way, but it's not. His book, Black Boy, is Wright's actual life growing up, and it includes such things as him becoming an alcoholic at age 6, threatening his uncle with a knife, and accidently writing in a newspaper for the KKK. After reading this book, you're going to wish you were as badass as him. I know I do. Another excellent book by him is Native Son. This book is OJ Simpsons life, in the 1940's, minus the Ford Bronco and leather glove. If you don't understand what that means, look it up son.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

Named after his ancestor, Francis Scott Key (you know, the guy who wrote the Star Spangled Banner), F. Scott Fitzgerald was the craziest drunk the world has ever seen. His life was a bizzare slur of love, failure and vodka. His wife only married him when his first book got published, and then ended up cheating on him with a French aviator. She later went insane, was put in a mental hospital, and was burnt to death when the hospital caught fire and burned down. But enough about her. Fitzgerald performed a lot of crazy antics, like actually ghost riding the whip on whatever types of cars they had back then, jumping into fountains and getting drunk for weeks at a time. His most famous book, The Great Gatsby, is one of the greatest novels of our time, and is basically just an illusion to his real life. So, read it. It's super cuh-raazzy.

For now, that's it. The next time you open a book, make sure it doesn't say Twilight on the cover. Seriously, don't do it.