Nintendo 64
The Nintendo 64 was Nintendo's third home console and featured one of the most baffling controllers of all time.
Just The Facts
- The Nintendo 64 was Nintendo's first console to feature 3D graphics.
- Many classic video games were developed for it.
- The controller is one of the worst-designed things, ever.
- Seriously, how the fuck do you hold it.
Cracked on Nintendo 64
Released in 1996 after the big success of 1991's SNES, the Nintendo 64 was actually late to the market. Most consoles do have a lifetime of around 5 years, but Nintendo was late to the game when Sega's Saturn and Sony's PlayStation hit the market in late 1994. It did make up for late time by featuring such classics as:
PIctured: Super Mario 64, Ocarina of Time, Banjo-Kazooie, Donkey Kong 64 and... wait, what the fuck is that? Glover?
However, the Nintendo 64 featured an all new, revolutionary controller interface: the analog stick. Yeah, you know that little stub that moves around? You saw it here first. While developing 3D game environments, Nintendo found that the traditional D-pad (also invented by them) didn't allow for precise control, so they decided to forever change the course of gaming history to allow for slightly more accurate movement.
Even though the new analog stick was quite a step forward, it also had the distinction of being "first," meaning it was shit compared to later analog sticks. Because it was made out of hard plastic, using it too much could really hurt your thumb and after playing a lot, it would become loose in the socket. But come on!
Nintendo's controller seems to be designed for an octopus.
The analog stick has since been featured in pretty much every other major game controller that has been released since. In fact, the analog stick was so revolutionary at the time that many game-publications rewarded Nintendo's games such as Super Mario 64 and Majora's Mask some of the highest praise ever received, by anything. You thought Dark Side of the Moon was a good album? That Goodfellas was a great movie? Super Mario 64 was way better. The game was recently listed by IGN was the fifth greatest game ever created, surpassed only by other Nintendo games and Tetris. Super Mario 64 was heralded for its tight integration with the analog stick and for staying true to the series roots, even though it made the transition from 2D to 3D. Super Mario 64 was also the first time millions of gamers heard their beloved Mario speak:
The pure magic of seeing Mario in glorious 3D with an actual voice was actually too much for some fans to handle, and they became victims of Shitmypantsilitis; a condition that befalls people that get too excited about Nintendo-related products. It was still a really fun game.
Another one of the Nintendo 64's bizarre features was that it ignored the CD-media trend. So, unlike the more-successful Sony PlayStation, which had its games written onto a disc, Nintendo decided to stick with the extremely dated cartridge format after this lengthy corporate discussion:
Ex-Nintendo President Hiroshi Yamauchi's most successfull business strategy
Sticking to the cartridge format was seen as a mistake by others. Cartridges were more expensive to produce than CDs and held less storage, meaning they could only accommodate shorter games or worse graphics. The upside to cartridges is that games load faster and you'll look like a jackass in front of your friends when you have to blow on the bottom to get it to work properly.
Other innovations the N64 offered were then-state of the art 3D graphics. At the time, the 64's 64bit (yep) framework allowed for more precise polygon counts to shape 3D models more effectively than Sega's Saturn and Sony's PlayStation. But remember, this was 1996. These were considered amazing graphics:
Wait, that's not... oh never mind.
The Best Nintendo 64 Game
With the Nintendo 64's legendary five year-run, many classic games were released for the system and many consider the console to be home to the single-most amount of great exclusive games ever. Some games were so well received by fans that they simply stopped buying new consoles after the Nintendo 64 and continue to play them to this day. These people are referred to as fucking losers. Anyways, the contenders:
Super Mario 64
Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Nerdgasms
GoldenCock 007
You know what? Fuck those games. They may have been great and all, but there is one clear winner here. A game that transcends fun into an entire new realm of enjoyment and redefines immersive experience. This isn't just a game, it is a shining example of why mankind was put on this earth. This game is perfection.
FUCK YEAH POKEMON PUZZLE LEAGUE
Follow the author of this topic on Twitter: @alexfurlin
Pokemon Puzzle League was my second favorite game right after Mario 64.
Replyi still play my nes and my gameboy... and i never went past that. yeah, so what?
ReplyFirst time I played on an N64 I picked up the controller centre and right and never played a game any other way, it just seemed instinctive straight away. All my friends used to use the d-pad when we played ISS 64 though...
ReplyRegarding the "Just the Facts" section - N64 was not Nintendo's first console to have 3D graphics. Ever play Starfox? On SNES? 3D polygons all the way. There were probably even a couple without the SuperFX chip to have some wireframe 3D maps etc, I know there were on Genesis.
ReplyAlso, how do you hold the controller? Really? It was designed so that either your left or right hand holds the middle, or both hands hold the outsides, depending on the game. You don't typically use the D-Pad and analog stick at the same time. You aren't supposed to actively use it all at once. It allowed options, and most games were designed around one of the 3 ways to hold it. Are you confused by the fact that the Wii remote is sometimes held forward and sometimes sideways? Same thing.
I honestly have no clue why people have trouble with the N64 or GC controllers. I actually found both easy to use.
ReplyPokemon Puzzle Leage, Bitches! Hell yeah!
ReplyI never had a problem with the GameCube controller. What I had a problem with was when my sister's ferrets chewed on both of them so anytime I tried to use the stick the sharp edges hurt my fingers.
ReplyUsing them until I could get new ones was not fun.
I never had an issue with the controller. Honestly, my fingers are longer than that of some men, so that might explain it.
ReplyI spent hours upon hours playing some of those games. I think I beat Ocarina of Time at least three times.
I will admit I loved the Super NES more than anything, heh. s****y graphics aside, there were some of the most addictive games ever. Final Fantasy series, Chrono Trigger, the Mario games...loved them all. I was an idiot and sold my Super NES to a person I now make a point to never speak with - to the point where I've changed my phone number three times (Don't ask). I do have a Wii, and sometimes I ogle over those old school games. Playing illegal ROMS on your computer is not the same as on a TV. I'm too much of a cheapass to buy any for the Wii, though. Just as well, I'm not sure if I'd manage to graduate grad school if I owned some of those titles. I'm lame like that.
SNES had s****y graphics? You must have been born post-1990, because to kids that grew up with that system, it had the best graphics in town.
that controller was garbage
ReplySony and MS are still playing catch up with motion controls and they got outsold big-time despite the HD graphics.
I poured hours into Pokemon Puzzle League as a kid.
ReplyMy first controller was an N64 one, and at 2 years old I found it remarkably simple to use. How dumb do you have to be to be confused by it?
ReplyIt's called "humor". You know, like a "humor website"?
2 years old? I call bullshit.
The N64 controller made more sense than pretty much anything that's come before it or since. No game requires you to use both a D-pad and an analog stick, so you move your left hand to the position you need to play your chosen game. Seriously, I hate the Playstation controller D-pads.
ReplyYou have a funny definition of the word 'sense.'
If you look at the N64 controller, it's almost like you put the Super Nintendo controller on top of a Wii Nunchuk and added side wings.
ReplyThe joystick in the n64 controller really was balls. It would develop some kind of white rust near the base of it whenever you played with it too much, hehe (thats what she said).
ReplyThe person who wrote this article is obviously a CoD fanboy.
ReplyA real Nintendo fan would understand why.
Or maybe, just maybe, they could have been talking sarcastically on a humor website... nah, can't be...
A real Nintendo fan would understand why everything said in this article is dead on.
I have an N64, my bf just bought me the gold ed. of Majora's Mask for my biffday, totally forgetting that you need an Expansion Pak to play ... Disappointment doesn't even begin to cover it ...
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesYou know you can buy that online for like $10, right?
Heheheh, sucks to be you. I still have Majoras Mask and the expansion pack to play it. Also, after our control stick inevitably died, my dad pulled it apart and somehow fixed it because he's a bigger gamer nerd that I am. My dad is awesome
dump that loser, he should have known!
Show some respect to titles that started them all. You're obviously not a game at all if you diss Goldeneye. Without Goldeneye you wouldn't be on MW3 servers jacking your balls really believing that you could be SpecOps.
ReplyI always found the n64 controller to work fine. Most of the games you barely even used the d-pad. If you couldnt reach the bumpers on the back i imagine you must have the tiniest hands in the world.
ReplyYou needed to talk a friend - a good friend or a girl because your hands are going to touch tenderly and awkwardly - into holding the same controller to enter the "Shadows of the Empire" cheat code. That one required every single button be pushed, and some d-pad and control stick manipulation. If your hand is on the trigger handle, no, NBA players can't reach the bumpers on the back. The controller was designed for liquid metal terminators, plain and simple.
I agree the D-pad was underused.
the N64 was the worst s**t that I've ever bought. at least recouped 2/3 when I sold it.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesWell you, my good sir, suck
That doesn't make any sense at all. Did you own any of the classics he was talking about? I'm not even a nintendo fan, and I still love the s**t out of all those old games.
Mario Kart 64 alone could have sold me that machine.
No, the N64 controller is one of the best controllers to ever come with a console, although the Gamecube controller did look clunky as shit. I'd have to say that the most baffling controllers are the Dreamcast and original Xbox controller (ever notice how the latter looks like the obese version of the former?).
ReplyWell, the Dreamcast controller may look like crap, but it feels alright in your hand, and plays fairly well. That's all that really matters in the end.