Tips To Survive Earthquakes

Earthquakes happen, don't let it be the last thing that happens to you.

Just The Facts

  1. Earthquakes are how God demolishes ugly buildings
  2. Earthquakes are sometimes caused Mariah Carey's high note
  3. Minor tremors have been linked to Los Angeles area construction crews and the flatulence that ensues on Bean Burrito Lunch day

What Is an Earthquake

The earth does the shimmy and shake. The floor shakes it all about and does the hokey pokey. The ground under your feet wiggles, wobbles and tries to throw you on your ass. They happen in the same places frequently and people still live there. Some of those people die... so tragic.

How to Survive

Tip 1: Move out of Southern California. Seriously. Right now. Pack your crap and run as fast as you can. Leave the kids, they'll be fine, they'll think it's like a trampoline.

Tip 2: Bury yourself. Most people who die in earthquakes die by being buried in debris. So beat the earthquake to it and bury yourself first. Just dig a hole in the back yard, jump in and pile rocks and bricks on yourself. That'll show that earthquake who's boss.

Tip 3: Since heavy objects falling on your head tends to kill you buy soft or inflatable versions of all your property. Your friends may question your inflatable kitchen cabinets or mock your bean bag bookshelf. But when they die from blunt force trauma from a hardbound "complete Harry Potter Series" to the head and you're simply being bathed in the downey comfort of the featherbound version you'll have the last laugh.

Tip 4: Move out of Southern California. What are you still doing there? It's a desert that is trying to kill you! What the hell is wrong with you?

Tip 5: Live in your car so that if it starts shaking you can drive away very fast. Caution this may result in unneeded mileage being wracked up from fleeing when it is only frat boys rocking your car from the outside.

Tip 6: Live in a zeppelin. The ground can't hurt you if you're not on it. Despite the coolness of the band of a similar sounding name a lead zeppelin is ill advised.

Tip 7: Smash all your property with a hammer so it is pre-crushed. This will minimize your loss when an earthquake hits.

Tip 8: Hey asshole in L.A. what don't you get? Were the gang killings, the air you can't safely breathe and the paparazzi not enough to give you the hint? You need to get a freeway dropped on your head too because Mother Nature's on the rag? GET THE HELL OUT!