Spiders

From the deserts of Egypt to the swamps of North Dakota-spiders are everywhere. They have existed for millions of years. The spider population has grown to such magnitude that there are at least fifteen spiders in the room you are reading this topics page in right now. It has been claimed that spiders play an important role in earth's ecosystem by being natures pest removers. This is an elaborate hoax propagated by the the pro-spider lobby. Spiders were put here solely to terrify the shit out of people.

If death had an anatomy, it would look much like that of the spider.

No one has ever been able to actually get close enough to study the spider but it is believed that they wear their skeletons on the outside. This is called an exoskeleton, not unlike the Aliens have in the popular sci-fi movies. It is highly likely that, like the Aliens, spiders have acid for blood as well.

Spiders have fifty-seven million eyes and eight legs. If a human was born with eight legs it would be a spider.

Spiders hatch from eggs. One out of every seven spiders implant their eggs in a human being's face. When the egg hatches the humans skin bursts open and millions of little spiders come out.

Speaking of baby spiders, and just in case you didn't think Spiders could be any less mind-bendingly terrifying, here is a video of a mamma and her babies!

Let this be a lesson to you: If you ever think there's nothing worse than a spider, there's always a spider covered in other spiders!

Often the only telltale sign that a spider is anywhere around you is it's web. Spiders weave elaborate webs out of a silky substance that they get and learn to control during adolescence when they are bitten by other radioactive spiders. Spider webs catch insects and create vibrations. The vibrations travel to the spider which is no doubt hiding in a corner somewhere being a creepy little bastard. The spider then quickly wraps up the insect and sucks its fucking brains out of its fucking head leaving only it's victims heart so that others know the spider was there. It's like the spiders calling card.

Examples of spider webs:

Eh...

Oh dear...

Holy Balls!

The first thing that should be understood is that if a spider is going to get you it's going to get you. There's no way around this fact. However, sometimes spiders show themselves before they attack. This is a sign that the spider is weak or sick. Still deadly mind you, but weak. This is the only time you can ever actually kill a spider. The killing of spiders is strictly a male-dominated sport.

Uppity new-age types will often say that a spider should just be caught in a cup and placed outside. This is the worst possible way to deal with a spider. The spider will know you're the weak one and feast upon you and your family that same evening.

Been bitten by a spider? Here is a quick test to see if it was poisonous or not:

Come back to this page in, oh, a day or so. It will wait...

IF YOU DID NOT COME BACK TO THIS PAGE THE SPIDER WAS POISONOUS!

However, if you managed to be one of the rare few who actually survive the bite of a spider, there is a series of very important steps to treating the wound. If these steps are not followed to the letter then you'd might as well just kiss your ass goodbye.

• Step 1. Run around screaming and showing everyone your spider bite so that they know you are infected and may take precautionary measures for their own personal safety.
• Step 2. Find the spider that bit you and cut off it's head to see if it had spider rabies. (if it had spider rabies you wouldn't be able to do this because you would already have spider rabies)
• Step 3. Smother the affected area with honey and let the dog lick it off.
• Step 4. Grind all the way to the bone or applicable vital organs surrounding the bite with a belt sander.
• Step 5. Thank God in heaven you are still alive and send personal checks or money orders to this topics page for knowing what's good for you.

In hollywood, spiders usually only have a supporting role in movies. However, several movies have been made solely about spiders. Arachnaphobia was stretching it, but Eight-Legged Freaks was just terrible.

Just terrible...

Here are some famous spiders that aren't spiders at all!

Spider Man

the Spider Bass

the Fiat Spider

the Impish Spider Monkey

John "Spider" Salley

While there are no reported cases of spiders existing in outer space. It shouldn't be ruled out just yet.

Since spiders really have to be seen to be believed, here are some pictures of spiders being the alarming creatures that they are:

Sweet Jesus Lord! It's on her shoulder!

Why hello there, creature that huants my dreams...

It's as big as his HAND!!!

It's on his fucking FACE!

What the...AAAAAAA!

AAAAAAAAA!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! OH FUCK!! OH FUCK!!!!

..............................

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Spiders are abominations of nature.