Spiders
Nothing in the history of the entire world is more feared and hated than the spider. Nothing deserves it more, either.
Just The Facts
- Spiders are not technically insects, but actually skeletons made of congealed hate.
- Men are slightly less terrified of spiders than women are, and are therefore easier prey.
- Spiders have 8 legs. Every one can kill you. Simultaneously.
Spider Anatomy
No one has ever been able to actually get close enough to study the spider but it is believed that they wear their skeletons on the outside. This is called an exoskeleton, not unlike the Aliens have in the popular sci-fi movies directed by James Cameron. It is highly likely that spiders have acid for blood as well.
Spiders have fifty-seven million eyes and eight legs. If a human was born with eight legs it would technically be a spider.
Spiders hatch from eggs. One out of every seven spiders implant their eggs in a human being's face. When the egg hatches the human's skin bursts open and millions of little spiders come out. While this fact cannot be 100% verified, we have a cousin who had a friend that this happened to and that's good enough for us.
Speaking of baby spiders, here is a video of a mamma and her babies!
Let this be a lesson to you: If you ever think there's nothing worse than a spider, there's always a spider covered in other spiders!
The Spider Web
Often the only telltale sign that a spider is anywhere around you is its web. Spiders weave elaborate webs out of a silky substance that they get and learn to control during adolescence, after they are bitten by other radioactive spiders. Spiderwebs catch insects and create vibrations. The vibrations travel through the web to the spider who quickly moves in for its meal. The spider then quickly wraps up the insect and sucks its fucking brains out of its fucking head leaving only its victims heart so that others know the spider was there. It is the spider's calling card.
Examples of spider webs:
Eh...
Oh dear...
Balls! Death and balls!
Spiders and Romance
The Dreaded Spider Bite
Been bitten by a spider? Here is a quick test to see if it was poisonous or not:
Come back to this article in, oh, a day or so. We'll wait...
IF YOU DID NOT COME BACK TO THIS ARTICLE THE SPIDER WAS POISONOUS!
Spiders in Popular Culture
Here are some famous spiders that aren't spiders at all (try not to kill these ones, if at all possible).
Spider Man
the Spider Bass
the Fiat Spider
the Impish Spider Monkey
John "Spider" Salley
Spiders in Space
While there are no reported cases of spiders existing in outer space, it shouldn't be ruled out just yet.
Spiders: The War of Terror
Spiders, being their typical alarming-ass selves:
Sweet Jesus Lord! We are getting a divorce!
This one's trying to be cute.
This one is not.
This one is piloting a human.
This one has killed English. We only speak screaming now.
AAAAAAAAA!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
...oh, it's just a movie and-
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAnd we thank you for your readership.
Easily one of the best things on this site.
ReplyWe want more stuff from this person/like this!
I can't even pick a favorite line, it seems like every paragraph has one. I'm leaning towards
"Spiders are not technically insects, but actually skeletons made of congealed hate."
Or the elemental seal thing.
Who made this article ? :o Its amazing . I laughed my head off on every word I've read .
ReplyThe article left out the worldwide menace of the Toilet Spider! It makes its home under the lids of toilet seats the world over.
ReplyThe spider collective does not appreciate of this article.
ReplyWe would like to remind you that we only prey on the weak and unsuspecting.
my cousin breeds tarantulas and has a closet full of them. they don't usually bite, but shoot pokey, itchy hairs at you.
ReplyThe comment system took out my original comment, but I will not rest until I repeat the pith of my message:
ReplyYOU BASTARD! I cannot unsee the little horrors!
You fucker! You just had to put pictures of the baby spiders! You bastard fucker!
ReplyGood article though. I lawled.
But I cannot unsee the little horrors you bastard!!!
I love spiders and I'm totally not scared of them at all.
ReplyKeep telling yourself that. But it doesn't make it true.
I guess my arachnophobic dad's "Kill it with a shotgun" approach to tarantulas isn't so excessive after all. It would seem that spiders are what the Dark Side of the Force has nightmares about.
ReplySpiders are what our nightmares' nightmares' have nightmares about. Hell, even Satan probably fears the spider.
Its 2 o clock in the morning and I'm about to go to bed. I have absolutely no idea why I decided reading this was a good idea...
Replythst's nothing - I'm reading it at 2.21..... I - I'm s BAMF.... *sniffle*
I have never laughed so hard while being terrified. Dude...spiders need to go away. I don't give a s**t about the ecosystem. They need to need to go the f**k away because one day...they WILL grow to the size of the Shelob and rape us with its stinger, wrap us up, drain us of all of our bodily organs and fluids, and take us to the orcs so they can have what's left. SPIDERS HAVE NO PLACE IN THIS WORLD.
ReplyBut it's so much easier for YOU to go away.
Spiders are absolutely harmless. Most "spider bites" are misdiagnosed, only a handful of species really have venom you would ever notice and only pussies think they're scary looking. They're awesome, beautiful animals and Arachnophobes should be eradicated with extreme prejudice to make the world less stupid.
It's a joke, dude. The article is making fun of how f*****g stupid Arachnophobes are. At least, I think it is, because Arachnophobes are REALLY f*****g stupid.
hahahahahaah this article made me laugh
ReplyI was sad to not see any mention about the literally HUNDREDS of spiders we EAT (yes, SPIDERS in your MOUTH) in our sleep every YEAR. WTF is that all about?!
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesIt's a fake statistic read in a magazine article on how you can make any kind of thing a fact on the internet. Seriously, there's an article here on it.
The thing is, 90% of cracked articles are made up.
every cracked article that presents scientific info has a source
Why did I read this before going to bed?
Reply"This one has killed English. We only speak screaming now"
ReplyI pissed myself laughing. Excellent article
One of the best lines ever.
"NOTE: If your girlfriend is a spider, none of this applies."
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesMy girlfriend is a spider. What applies there?
Thank you for the warning; you have now assured that no one will ever approach you ever again, as you are now most probably infected. Please be kind enough to stay the f**k away from the rest of humanity.
If you were a spider to begin with we now have proof that they are smarter than we thought. Again, thank you. The previous request still applies.
Infected with what?
@kuro-fenikkusu
Infected with what?
With spider rabies, of course. Everyone knows that there is only a 1 in 100000000000000000000000000000000000000000.9 chance that a spider does NOT have spider rabies.
For some reason I find lots of tiny spiders so much worse than one huge one. I remember there was a load of tiny spiders, all cumped together in a web on my door handle, no one noticed and it got brought into the house on someone's coat. In half hour they had covered the entire shin length coat in a web. Horrible little bastards. I think I'd like Spider Man alot more if he was the anti spider, using his spider based powers to kill every last spider from microscopic to dinner plate in size.
Replythis s**t deserves a cracked topic of the year award
ReplyAgreed. This was better than a lot of the articles written by the actual columnists.
That video and all the pictures after the one with the caption "this one has killed English" (minus the movie one) will probably be haunting my dreams and most likely my soul for the next few years.
ReplyHands up if you looked around the room suspiciously when you read "... there are at least 15 spiders in the room with you right now."
Replyif you didn't there's obviously something wrong with you...