Joseph Stalin was a man that vampires told there kids about to scare them during the daytime.

Oh my god! There is blood everywhere!

Just The Facts

  1. Stalin was from Georgia, not Russia.
  2. Joseph Stalin was not his real name. It was Joseph Dshugashvili.
  3. After he had his way with mother Russia, he left her a ruined woman.
  4. Praise the lord, he is dead.

Stalin 101

If Kaizer Soze and Joseph Stalin were the last two contestants in a "who is more evil contest" and I was judging, my 100% for sale vote, would go to Stalin. He once said, "death solves all problems - no man, no problems"; that is some cold shit to say to someone. That line belongs in a movie about some Russian asshole that destroyed a country. During his oppressive rule, the streets ran communist red with the blood of the proleteriat, much like cran-apple Oceanspray; deliciously evil. During his thirty-one year rule of the U.S.S.R he effectively liquidated the lives of tens of millions of his own citizens. Many years later he would be the inspiration for Skynet or otherwise known as robo-Stalin, incidentally Stalin translates to "Man of Steel" and robo-Stalin was no bitch, like that Smallville do-gooder, he was a paranoid psychopath given the helm of the Titanic.

Stalin was born in Georgia, (The country not the American state. You know you were thinking it. Maybe if you looked at a globe every now and again, instead of feverishly masturbating to internet porn and eating Frito-lay products, you would know the difference.) his real name was Iosif Vissarionovich Dzhugashvili. He grew up hating life because no one on the planet earth could pronounce his name. I assume his mother would wake him up to breakfast and a fresh kitten to kill, every morning he would use a new kitchen utensil to spice things up a bit. Stalin went to a school in Georgia where his life would change after learning about the socialist movement, much like the first time you saw boobs. He was expelled, experts disagree on the reason but given his nature, he was probably murdering students with a sickle and hammer. After bludgeoning his classmates, and having the murderous appetite of a full grown chupacabra, he decided to do something with his life, he would give himself to the socialist movement; body and mind. After the ritual sacrifice of a virgin on the harvest moon, Stalin stared at the blood on his naked body, a full fledged member of the Soviet socialist party, ready to do whatever it took to get to the top. Stalin rose quickly, the protege of Lenin, leader of the Bolshevik's and fierce lothario. When Lenin took power, Stalin was right there with him, nipping his heels. Stalin took power after the death of Lenin, completing the prophecy of the necronomicon, Lenin was mummified and his freakish wax corpse is still on diplay to this day. Waiting to awaken.

Once Stalin was at the reins, he waisted no time driving the country into the ground. Stalin wanted the U.S.S.R to become a modern nation, unfortunately they were too far behind to catch up playing by the rules. Good thing Stalin had no ethics or any shred of morals, so logically he just turned every ctizen into a slave. Stalin forced everyone to work long hours and gave them nothing in return, needless to say employee morale resembled a Cambodian sweat shop with a broken air conditioner (aka a desk fan). One of the worst man made famines swept through Russia, people were dropping like farts at a chili eating contest. I know what you're thinking, "well... umm.. why didn't they just revolt..." I will tell you why you fat asshole, give me a second. If citizens were to refuse they were sent to Siberia, where they were sure to be raped by a white Tiger, and possibly German magicians. Millions were sent to the "Gulags" and were forced to do hard labor. The work in the gulags was like the work before, accept one did not have a kalashnikov up their ass. Also I don't know if you heard, but Siberia is colder than a whore's heart. Working conditions were unsavory to say the least. Stalin also formed the secret police; Stalin's personal army. Ready and willing to execute anyone Stalin ordered, including their own members. Stalin did whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. If anyone spoke out against him they would be deported to a gulag or murdered, either way your day was going from bad to worse. After pounding his own country, without lube, Stalin's brain exploded. Seriously, he had a cerebral hemorrhage and his reign of terror ended like a bad prison rape. Eventually Russia would rise like a phoenix from the ashes, a phoenix with Downs syndrome. Shit could be better over there.