Ellen Page

Ellen Page is a Canadian Actress known for playing the titular pregnant teenager in "Juno," Kitty Pryde in X-Men 3, and castrating Patrick Wilson

Just The Facts

  1. Born in Halifax, Nova Scotia
  2. Looks damn good in Barbie roller skates.
  3. Is famous for playing whores who have a snappy comeback for EVERYTHING
  4. Accepted her role in Juno solely to have an excuse to say the phrase "pork swords."
  5. Might have sex with girls. Boner at 211%


Ellen Page is an actress of rare breed. She has defied her very nature by being attractive, smart, funny, and a good actress. All while being from Canada. We have a love-hate relationship with Canada. They brought us hockey and Ryan Reynolds but they also brought us Avril Lavigne and Justin Bieber.

Pictured: The Antichrist

Ellen Page first gained fame playing a 14 girl who lures a pedophile to his death in Hard Candy. The movie recieved mixed reception, due largely to the fact that many men had questions as to whether or not it was ok to get a boner watching a 14 year old stripper dance. Her role, however, was praised and it led to her being cast in several films, such as the role of "Shadowcat" in the 3rd X-Men film, where she stole Iceman from Anna Paquin.

Oh God Yes.

Rogue never stood a chance.

Page hit her biggest break when she was cast as the title character in the Acadamy Award winning film "Juno," where her character is suffers an accidental pregnancy and says an uncountable amount of rude snappy comebacks directed towards Michael Cera.. This film garnered Page a best actress nomination, and a reputation for playing characters with biting sarcastic wit. Michael Cera's role in the film established him a firm reputation of being walked all over by teenage whores.

Is Paulie Bleeker gonna have to choke a bitch?

Is Paulie Bleeker gonna have to choke a bitch?

Her next big role came in 2008 when she starred in "Whip It," where she plays, you guessed it, a disgruntled teenager who rambles on about feminist bullshit. Only this time, she does it at a roller derby... in fishnets. On a related note, this film also includes Page's 3rd underage sex scene, this time underwater. Glad to see she's following her own advice and not objectifying women. The movie fared well at the Box Office and confirmed Page as a leading lady in the young starlet section of Hollywood. We at Cracked look forward to seeing more from Ellen Page as she continues to dazzle the silver screen with teen sex and rude comments.

Cracked On Ellen Page

Ellen Page is really something else. It's not often you get an actress like her in Hollywood. However, we at Cracked are disappointed in her. It's not that she's talentless. She does have talent. But like so many other hollywood actors and actresses, Ellen Page has fallen into the niche of playing the same role every damn film. Seriously. She's always a smart-assed but lovable teen who gets into deep shit with someone and makes sarcastic jokes about bands you've never heard of. Seriously, Derek Zoolander had more creativity.

Or did you think I didn't know what a eugoogooly was?

Or did you think I didn't know what a eugoogooly was?

Ellen is an actress of talent and it should surprise noone that she recieved an Acadamy Award nod for Juno, but she needs to break free of this stereotype she has going on or her career will die faster then you can say M. Night Shyamalan.

What if Juno had been DEAD THE WHOLE MOVIE? Boom. Oscar nomination

What if Juno had been DEAD THE WHOLE TIME? Boom. Oscar nomination.

Ellen Page has the talent to play numerous roles, so it is a little annoying seeing the same stuff every film she makes. But there are plenty of worse actors out there with even less versatility. Come on, you know you're thinking about Seth MacFarlane. You know you are.

This Character....

THIS character....

...Sounds absolutely NOTHING....

Sounds absolutely NOTHING....

...Like THIS one. I SWEAR.

Like THIS one. I SWEAR.

Fuck Seth MacFarlane.