The US Military
Want to know about the United States military? Well, this is not the article for that. Here, we will examine the more embarrassing aspects of the military (meaning the only aspects of the military that you actually hear about).
Just The Facts
- The United States military consists of the Army, Navy, Air Force, the Marine Corps and the Coast Guard (but who would admit that they were actually in the Coast Guard? I mean, seriously).
- Has the highest military budget in the world (currently $668 billion; basically, an assload of money for killing people and blowing shit up).
- We are totally BAD ASS!!
The Supreme Ruler
The Supreme Ruler (known as the "President" to those who are not looking) is the commander-in-chief of the United States military (so, he, like, totally pwns you). While most people can complain about their bosses or their president, members of the military are not allowed to do either while they are in uniform. Punishment for doing so is a swift boot to the head...as well as an AK-47 to the face and an F-16 to the knee caps (you do not want to know how they are able to acomplish this).
Our previous Supreme Ruler
Our current Supreme Ruler
Cracked on The US Military
The US military, a boy's only club that only lets girls join because having too many guys around would be a little gay, is the second largest military in the world, beaten only by the People's Republic China (fuuuuuck!!). Commissioned in 1775, it originally consisted of the Army, Navy and Marine Corps. The Coast Guard wasn't founded until 1790 (because people even back then did not want to admit that they were in the fucking Coast Guard) and the Air Force wasn't founded until 1947 (since we couldn't figure out how to genetically attach wings to ourselves and eventually decided to fly planes like everyone else ).
The United States Army
The Army couldn't be satisfied unless their seal had big balls on it.
The Army is the oldest branch of the United States military. As such, the Army consists of people who have fallen into dementia, live lonely lives, are riddled with disease and only receive respect from people when they are being looked at; otherwise they are made fun of behind their backs because of their bad smell, driving really slow and wearing terrible clothing. Because of their age, the simplest of tasks can result in some sort of problem, usually ending with somebody being shot in the stomach or a conversation gone too far.
The United States Navy
Despite the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy, the Navy is composed primarily of gay men who haven't come out of the closet and women who feel comfortable around these secretly gay men. The Navy has always served as a safe haven for homosexuals. Because of DADT and the American stigma of being gay, the Navy has always left secret clues about its sexual orientation:
Enlisted personal are called "Seamen" *chuckle*
There are two halves of "Rear" Admiral *snicker*
Naval air personnel wear colored flight suits *giggle*
"Our uniforms look FAB-U-LOUS!!"
Do these guys look straight to you?
The United States Air Force
The Chair Force Air Force is the youngest military branch of the United States military and is known by the other branches as the asshole who plays their music really loudly (mostly Linkin Park) and can't help but correct its elders at every turn (until they need some money). Like I said before, the Air Force was supposed to be created long ago but when we couldn't figure out how to attach wings to our back sides without dying horrible deaths or crippling ourselves beyond recognition, we said "fuck it" and built a bunch of planes to fight people with instead (which still have the danger of having the pilot dying a horrible death or crippling themselves beyond recognition).
They are known as the Chair Force because, while they insist on calling themselves airmen and organizing themselves into Flights (to further show us that they pwn everybody when it comes to flying), most people in the Air Force just sit on their ass all day; even pilots have to sit on their ass, but at least they get to blow things up and nobody is going to say anything to the guy in the B-52 who has enough ammo to blow the shit out of your city block, keep going and not break a sweat.
The United States Marine Corps
The red repesents a sea of never ending blood...or at least, that's what I always imagine it to be.
Although the Marine Corps is the same age as the Army and the Navy, the Marine Corps has the distinct characteristic of being considerably more badass than the other two. The Marine Corps was formed when certain members of the Navy couldn't handle being on a ship for long periods of time (ie longer than 5 seconds) before going criminally insane and shooting people and slitting their throats. The Navy then decided "What better way to use these people than to have them go out and viciously kill our enemies?" The best way to accomplish this, of course, is to train people to shout every possible insult into their faces until their balls shrivel up into a fine powder.
However, since the members of the Marine Corps are now brainwashed idiots, the Marine Corps is basically the Navy's bitch. As much as the Marine Corps tries to deny it, the Navy is totally its pimp. The Marine Corps will sometimes try to stick up for themselves, but the Navy usually straightens them out with a pimp slap to the face and the Marine Corp will go back to putting on its make-up for the night.
The United States Coast Guard
Really guys? That's all you could come up with for a seal?
The Coast Guard is basically a cop out for people who want to say they are in the military but don't actually do anything (even the Chair Force Air Force sees more action). The Coast Guard is not even part of the Department of Defense. They are the Navy's little brother, doing everything that the Navy would be doing if it wasn't off smoking pot and banging chicks. Because of this, the Coast Guard is the only branch of the military that is deployed every single day, from finding some fat dude who got washed away to finding Colombian drug lords. Actually, the Coast Guard does a lot when it comes to finding drugs and weapons…hell, this actually sounds kinda fun. Hey, where can I sign up?!
"WEEEEEEEEEE!!"
Can someone make this neutral? It makes the Marines look bad and is unfair to the Coast Guard.The Army and the Navy that were founded in 1775 were the Continental Army and Navy. The ones we have know are different.
ReplyI want to rewrite this.
ReplyHoo boy. Where to begin?
Reply Hide All See All 7 RepliesNavy seems like a good spot! The flight suits are colored to denote what role the person does and so they don't get killed by landing aircraft. Seamen is simply just "Men of the Sea"
Marines: They aren't brainwashed idiots as you not so kindly referred to them as. They are the most traditional and ceremonial of the branches in the US Military. Also, they aren't psychotic killers.
Army: Back up marines. The Army has more members in it than the USMC. They also have artillery units, as well as Gunship units.
Coast Guard: They are there to, simply put, protect the coasts. This includes search and rescue as well as combating drug trafficking.
Air Force: Yes they do tend to sit a lot, but keep in mind the amount of explosives bomber pilots are sitting on during their missions.
It wasn't funny at all.
You appear to have no sense of humor. Are you a drill instructor?
Yeah thanks, but the world no longer thinks the Marines are awesome killing machines.. we did believe all that "superman" talk untill the first time you faced an enemy you could not beat in a day and now there are suicides, breakdowns and Marines crying that basically "the wars too hard"
Maybe you could get off your gelatinous ass and make a contribution to the world at large, Syn. No? Nah, it's better to waste your existence on the Internet. And Jackabug, blatant stupidity isn't automatically funny.
^^^^Somebody's NOT OBVIOUSLY upset that people aren't sucking the USMC's cock. The Marines are the Army with cooler uniforms, shittier weapons, and louder mouths.
marines: not brainwashed but certanly crazy
sorry just had to jump in on this. the army are backup marines? Your an idiot. im many cases they are sent in before the marines you clearly know nothing about this except for internet knowledge
I'm pretty sure the Marines showed their true colors when they couldn't hold Fallujah (after the 82nd Airborne left).
Marines have their own planes. They are like a half-assed mini version of the entire military.
Air Force sits a lot, but just remember that the PJs will save your ass, the CCTs will get the planes in when you're done taking the air fields, and the TACPs will call in the airstrikes to save your sorry ass (all while humping it with the grunts).
I would seriously like to see you say it to a Marine's face that he's the navy's bitch.
Reply Hide All See All 3 Replieslol, relax man, we all have our jokes, I'm assuming you aren't in the marines because if you were you would know they hear it all the time...to their faces...by everyone, including the coast guard if I'm not mistaken. I'm in the army myself and we don't pass up the chance to make fun of marines, just like they do to us, it's all in good fun.
Come on, the fly-flap on Navy dress uniforms is even called the "Marine's napkin."
Who the hell insults a marine? at least people in the military are well in the military but a civilian should not insult there armed forces.
haha great article...informative and funny..well done!
ReplyThe coast guard does more than you.
ReplyJust sit and wright s**t you know nothing about.
Get your facts straight. FAGGOT!
Too bad the public education system didn't do much for your spelling skills.
I am a Marine, and we pretty much are the Navy's bitch.
Replyread a history book dumbass the marines are in no way the navys b***h
ReplyYes. The Marines are the navy's bitch. It even says so on the Marine Seal... See that part where it says "Department of the Navy" in the largest letters on the seal.
It is worth the time to notice that they are in fact called the "Marines." The word "marine" is present in other fine words: marine mammals (the bitches of normal mammals, like rabbits and wallabies), marine biology (the b***h of normal biology), and marine vegetation (the bitches of lima beans and carrots). Marine means "of or pertaining to the sea", which is kind of the Navy's forte.
And it would be, "Navy's bitch." With a period, capital letter, and a goddammed apostrophe.
"The red repesents a sea of never ending blood...or at least, that's what I always imagine it to be." Actually that's exactly what that means. It's heraldic symolism for things like valor, courage, sacrifice, and lots of blood, yours and theirs. As for Marines being the Navy's b***h, at some point someone got the idea that Combined Arms are a good idea. They're right of course. But, the other branches of the military couldn't handle the notion. So, the Marines had to carefully teach everyone else how it was done. Also, while I like to poke fun at the Coasties the same as the next guy, you wrote it yourself. Anyone who actually goes out looking for drug smugglers, on purpose, has huge balls.
Replygood point
im only 14 but i know the marines are not the navys b***h betcha wouldn't say that to one.
ReplyGod damn this article sucked.
ReplyI have to say that this article was pretty lame. Swaim hasn't done anything in awhile; can't you get him on this?
Replyf**k you. i wanna see you join the Maines an say that there the Navys bith
Replyhahaha your fury and the typos generated by your spastic rush to ensure that everyone understood just how pissed off you were, amuse me.
DrRockso, didn't you mean to say "you amuse me"? So yeah, about making fun of that guy for typos, way to make an ass of yourself
Someone PLEASE f*****g rewrite this. This author is a talentless hack. This article could be SO much better, Cracked, if you guys got somebody else on the job.
ReplyI'm begging you. Don't squander this opportunity. Get someone else to rewrite/revise the US Military article. It could be GOLD (as opposed to the dogshit it is at the moment)!