Dinosaurs

According to creationists, Dinosaurs (or Jesus Lizards) lived alongside humans for hundreds and hundreds of years, during which time they ate coconuts and uttered constant rock-related puns. According to scientists, however, Dinosaurs (along with Crocodiles and Pterosaurs) evolved from basal archosaurs such as the lizard-like Euparkeria sometime during the Triassic period, millions of years before our earliest furry ancestors. Dinosaurs were quite uncommon at first and, frankly, rather uninteresting.

It wasn't until the Jurassic period when a mass extinction wiped out most of the Dinosaurs's competitors, allowing their group to diversify, filling new ecological niches and growing to become the behemoths that we all know and love. At 92 feet long, and weighing 15 tons, Diplodocus would have been an impressive sight, and had little to fear from Allosaurus, a 40 foot long pack hunter that would have been at the top of the food chain. It was during this time that the smaller Dinosaurs decided "fuck this", and sauntered off to those trees over there. By the time the Cretaceous period had begun, they had sprouted feathers and evolved into the first birds; at this point in time however, birds would have been flightless pigeon-bastards, and would've made a good meal.

It was also during the Cretaceous period that some of the more famous, and god-awful terrifying Dinosaurs were birthed from the seventh circle of hell. As it turns out, however, they were kind of overhyped. Velociraptor needs no introduction, though in real life, the Raptors weren't quite the badasses that Stephen Spielberg made them to be. In all actuality, Velociraptor would not have been much bigger than an average Dog, and with the intelligence to match, you probably won't have to worry about it learning to open doors any time soon. Utahraptor, on the other hand, was about as big as a Grizzly Bear, as well as having been considerably smarter and faster. Actual, honest to God scientists have been quoted as having said that were they to design the ultimate killing machine, they would design the Utahraptor. So yeah, let that one sink in.

Tyrannosaurus Rex is a name that continues to bring terror to this day, and as such, Natural History Museums the world over have learned to capitalize on our morbid fascination with things that would probably keep us around as spare toothpicks. But like the Velociraptor, this is just another example of blatant exaggeration by the same guy who gave us Indiana Jones 4, for fuck's sakes. Tyrannosaurus, in real life, would have been too fat, slow and stupid to get it's own meal. Therefore, more and more scientists are choosing to go along with the theory that the dreaded T-rex was in fact a scavenger. To add further insult to injury, recent fossil evidence indicates that Tyrannosaurus may have been covered in bright, colourful feathers. So yeah, playing Dinosaurs, all that stomping around and screaming that you did when you were 5? Gay. But fear not, because while T-rex may have been a snivelling scavenger, in South America at around the same time, one would be faced with the sight of Gigonatosaurus. With a mouthful of a name, and at more than 40 feet long, Gigonatosaurus was the largest land predator to have ever lived. And based on the recent find of six Gigonatosaurus skeletons, all having died together, it seems reasonable to believe that this fucking thing was a pack hunter, and therefore, considerably more intelligent that T-rex. There is no loving God.