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Ah, the Mayans. It's common knowledge that these central-american bad boys knew both their Astronomy and their kick-ass sacrificial basketball soccer hybrid games. But of course, what if they were right about their 2012 predictions?

End of human life: Best thing that has ever fucking happened to the atmosphere.

Earth's birthday wish was the extinction of-- well you know-- us.

Just The Facts

  1. With some Mayan Voodoo, they predicted in what year their little establishment would be overrun by the damn Spanish coming from overseas. Yeah, seriously.
  2. The Sunspot cycle is going to reach it's peaking the damn cursed year, and it will end up setting records of solar radiation fucking our Ozone in the ass and throwing huge-ass hurricanes, tsunamis, in there, too.
  3. God-king Al Ahnesiama, also known as Chuck Norris, is taking his vacation week from defending the Earth, during late december of that year, to his vacation home on the sun.

Okay, what the hell now?

The Mayan civilization was one of the most kick-ass in the history of the fucking world, sacrificing people at the top of fucking huge-ass pyramids, and turning Astrology, something reserved for the knowledgeable assholes with no lives, into something of a higher category of badassery comic book geeks have wet dreams of.

You see, they had it all figured out: a solar year calendar of 365 days that is only a fraction of a minute off our Calendar today, which is fucking awesome. For the long period calendar, (this is where our world ending comes in) they were called cycles, which were of different sizes, and they were incorporated in the long count.

Woo for pessimism! Here are the CONS:

Our "long count" started 3114 B.C. and here it is! It ends at 2012, folks! Have fun trying to soak in that one! At the end of every "long count", there is what the Popol Vuh (Mayan Creation story) describe as the end of the fucking world, Armageddon, the a-freaking-pocalypse, people! The world will drastically change for the worse at December 21, 2012, and most of the human population (if not all of us) will be fucking ANNIHILATED, our world's cities trashed, and a prosperous business in the Anti-Depressant industry, if it's not burned to the ground, of course.

Wait, are you serious? There are PROS?

Of course there are pros to a series of natural disasters wreaking havoc around the planet, what are you thinking? No, this isn't just some emotional sack of shit talking about death on a massive scale to be fucking prosperous for the economy and for my poems about cutting myself, it seriously would be good, if just a large portion of the human population to drop, say about four out of almost seven billion to drop dead, I mean, how long do you think the fucking miniscule freshwater supply is going to last that many people? And not to mention the loss of jobs, and the huge amount of war throughout the world, a huge disaster, like none we've ever seen, would bring the world together, which is what we've needed ever since sliced bread hit the market.

But, of course, it won't help too much if the freshwater supply is contaminated by Volcanic ash, or perhaps nuclear fallout, those jobs crashing to the ground in the giant and unstable metal-and-glass corporate buildings, the fields trashed by huge faults opened up by earthquakes, and thieves taking over the planet, locking the remaining few innocent men and women inside.

What should we count on?

We're all doomed.

Seriously.

This is what will kill us all.