Chess is a board game played between two opponents. The objective of the game is to maneuver one's pieces so that you opponents king is attacked and unable to stop, escape, or block your attack with one move.

The Ultimate Test of Cerebral Fitness

Except like this

Just The Facts

  1. The creation of chess was the Big Bang of geeks
  2. It's one of the cheapest competitive timesinks in the world.
  3. It will NEVER EVER EVER get you laid.

So you wanna figure out a game that no-one cares about.

Among nerds, geeks, and dorks, chess is the most balanced competitive setting ever conceived. There are no rules updates (aside from the variants that no one really cares about), no bad luck to blame, and no bitching about what move is or isn't legal in tournament play, But to the rest of us it's like checkers on superfucking boring mode. If your too lazy to look it up on a proffesional website (or the closest thing to that) you may as well sit down, shut up, and read.

How to start.

First, you have to get someone either A. Stupid enough, B. drunk enough or C. Nerdy enough to join you, in short it's like getting someone for %99 of all the dates you've had. Yeah, I went there. Second you need to find a board, any board will work, as long as it can support the heads of 2 sleeping squares (last joke about boredom, I promise), has squares on it, and is square. Next you need pieces, if you can't find any go out and get a beer. At least that will make you feel good about yourself. If you can, that sucks. You'll need to learn the names of the peices: Horsey, Monarch, Bitch, Pope, Tower, and PWN. If you actually call them that during the match, you have failed. You'll need to set it up like this:

Tower, Horsey, Pope, Bitch, Monarch, Pope, Horsey, Tower,


Use the same set up on the other side.

How to play. Part 1: PWNs, Horseys, and Towers.

First, Use PWNs. They can only move forward once and kill things by being diagonal to them (dumb, I know). They will be your Redshirts in this game. Next, once you or you enemy is out of PWNs send out horseys. The Horseys are the next srongest defence. They knock over people in their way. No just kidding, they move 2 spaces at a time and can only kill things they're on top of (If you think this is stupid, imagion how painful being trampled to death is). Next, spam towers. They, much like Horseys can kill anything by just by sitting on them (Again, crushed to death. By a fucking building, no less). They can move anywhere but diagonally.

Part 2: Pope, Bitch, and Monarch

Popes, In my opinion are awesome. But like everything else dies in one hit (did I mention that? Oh well). They move diagonally only and run over their enemies with the Pope-mobile. The Bitch is a broken piece, it can move at any angle. EVER. Now, we go to the Monarch. Don't use him. Just don't. Unless someone says checkmate, it's Latin for run or else. If he dies you lose the game. Same with the other guy, so kill his King. NOW.