Ryan Seacrest

Ryan Seacrest is that little dude you see hosting about 75% of all TV shows this century to date.




Just The Facts

  1. Ryan Seacrest has been the host of American Idol since its first season in 2002. A co-host, Brian Dunkleman, left after the first season, fading into obscurity. (Though it is entirely possible that Seacrest ate Dunkleman and hid the bones.)
  2. He is also the host of the nationally syndicated radio show "On Air With Ryan Seacrest", where he spends four hours every morning mixing the latest singles by L'il Wayne and Britney Spears with mild, innocuous banter. Despite this, it is an immensely popular show.
  3. He hosts the radio program "American Top 40", a post once held by Casey Kasem. He also hosts "New Years' Rockin' Eve", a post once held by Dick Clark. This is done with the belief that emulating both legends at once will cause him to acquire super powers.
  4. He is also Executive Producer of several TV shows, including the train wreck "Denise Richards: It's Complicated"
  5. There are 24 hours in a day - unless you're Ryan Seacrest. Then there are 36 hours in a day.
  6. He uses some of these extra 12 hours to host "E! News". He has a co-host, Giuliana Rancic, who so far has not been eaten nor has she had her bones hidden by Seacrest.
  7. He is not, I repeat, NOT into bearded men.
  8. His signature mantan shade is Oompa-Loompa orange.

Cracked on Ryan Seacrest

Ryan Seacrest is on a mission to rule the world. Besides hosting several popular television and radio shows, he likes to spend what little spare time he has executive producing some of the biggest train wrecks on TV, such as "Bromance" and "Denise Richards: It's Complicated". He has not slept since 2003, the longest anyone has gone sleepless without the aid of methamphetamines. It is estimated that by 2017, Seacrest will also be President Of The United States, the Dalai Lama, and KFC's new Colonel.

American Idol: A Monster Is Created

Seacrest's first taste of real fame in 2002, when he was signed on to host a new reality series called American Idol. He became a pop culture sensation by tricking contestants into thinking they were going to find out who was being eliminated, only to hear the three dreaded words, "AFTER THE BREAK". This genius tactic fooled contestants and the American audience alike well into the fourth season. Americans continued to be bamboozled every time Seacrest would trick a contestant into thinking they were still on the show, when they actually were not.

Another example.

Fucking GENIUS! NO ONE EVER SEES THIS COMING! Daughtry fan mass suicide alert!

On Air With Ryan Seacrest: Killing You Softly With Hit Songs

Seacrest is also the host of radio's On Air With Ryan Seacrest, where listeners spend four hours every morning listening to Top 40 interspersed with chatter. This show is like the McDonalds of radio shows. It all seems as familiar as a Big Mac, but you feel like shit afterwards, and you're slightly closer to an untimely death.

Here is a clip of him speaking with OMG MILEY CYRUS!!!11!!!shift-one!!!!

Ryan Seacrest Quotes

"I always just wanted to be a cheesy guy on television."

"I'm not into bearded men."

"I've never done Botox in my life. But I've probably tried everything else under the sun"

"(From American Idol) You're both safe. Take a seat."