College

College is a place for many things. Drinking, finding yourself, drinking, studying. So much freedom, so many Che shirts, enjoy your time while you're there.

The College Life

A typical day in college

Just The Facts

  1. According to the great philosopher, Homer, there are two types of people in college: Jocks and Nerds. As a jock, it is your job to give the nerds a hard time.
  2. Your parents are paying thousands of dollars to help you develop your alcoholism and practice video games.
  3. That guy playing guitar out in the quad is a douchebag.

People You'll Encounter

7th year Senior

This man has drank more liquor in his 7 years of college than James Joyce in his lifetime (don't worry, you'll learn about him in college, but he drank a lot). When you meet him as a freshman, you'll envy him, you'll idolize him, you'll aspire to be him. By the time you hit your 4th year, you'll hope that you can learn from his lessons and not end up like that. When you become him, you'll realize you've failed at life. Much like Slurms McKenzie, you'll be all partied out.

Wet Blanket

You know their familiar calls of "I don't think that's a good idea." ("Of course it is, alcohol makes my ideas 80% better.") "Could you keep it down? It's 10PM and I'm trying to sleep." (It's 10PM. I just got up 5 hours ago.") and "Shouldn't you be studying?" ("Fuck you.") We can almost assure you that this person will be your randomly selected roommate freshman year and if it's not it's probably you and as a side note, we hate you.

Friend with gf/bf back home

This is the guy that will drive back home up to 100 miles to spend time with his girlfriend who is either still in high school or at another college. They think they can make it work, but they can't. Either the girl dumps the guy when she graduates after the first year of this process, when she realizes she's going off to another college and doesn't want to feel guilty when she gets trashed and felt up by some fratboy or there is rampant cheating by both parties and they realize this is a no win situation.

Friend with new gf/bf

Also known as "the flake." He'll tell you that he'll be right over but he'll never show up. His excuse will always be "Oh, something came up." This is perfectly acceptable if he's actually getting some, but at the very least he could just not tell his friends he's on his way. This will never change, whether he's just started dating her or it's been getting pretty serious, he will always be a flake and you will always be disappointed in him.

Guy trying to find himself

There are many different ways this could go. The most common is this guy hitting the gym hard to try to deal with his insecurity issues. This group of people tends to gather at fraternity and sorority houses. College is a great place to find yourself, but naturally evolving into a complete person, rather than just trying to be a douchebag off the bat is probably a better way to do it.

Party animal with 4.0

You see this guy at every party, sometimes passed out on the lawn, sometimes destroying everyone at beer pong, always with a drink in his hand (usually something strong). He doesn't mess around when it comes to partying. But that's all pretty normal, the thing that makes this guy different is that he manages to maintain a 4.0, a four-point-fucking-oh. Even the sober kids who hang out in the library don't manage that. And this is not some kid majoring in communications or another joke subject, he's going to be in some advanced engineering program. At some point, you'll just realize, he's better than you.

College Staples

Red cups

You see them everywhere, they are necessary for beer pong, they are helpful for sloshball, should be included with the purchase of a keg, they could have something other than alcohol in them. They will be at every party you attend and if someone is feeling adventurous and buys the blue cups, there will be mass confusion and maybe even a little crying. Even the kids that don't drink love these cups since they can put soda (apparently this is some sort of non-alcoholic beverage, what's the point) in them and pretend to be drinking.

Popov

After you graduate from college, there are a few rules in life: no hard liquor before sundown, don't fill up on bread, and don't buy liquor in a plastic bottle. While you're in college though, you drink whenever you feel like, eat what you can get your hands on and, sadly, you'll have to drink what you can afford. Freshman year, this will be Popov Vodka. All you really need to know is that this is actually cheaper than the local grocery store's brand of vodka. That should tell you something about the quality. But don't worry, after the 7th or 8th shot, you won't be able to taste it anymore.

Natural Light/Keystone Light

Ready for a night of beer pong, but only have $15. Don't worry, that will get you a 30 pack of either Keystone or Natural Light. Some people would prefer to get the Bud/Coors/Miller Light/Lite (what a retarded way to spell Light) 18-pack instead, but studies have shown that that's 40% less fun and it takes away some of the punishment you can inflict while playing beer pong or other drinking games.

Instant Ramen

A man's gotta eat, right? This meal will run you about 10 cents, saving precious funds to fuel your alcoholism. Plus when you're drunk or hungover, the saltiness of these noodles is definitely a good thing. You can spice them up in various ways, by adding hot sauce or using butter and salt rather than the soup packet. By the time you graduate, you'll be the fucking MacGuyver of instant ramen.

Video games

In college you need a gaming system. It doesn't matter which one. We had an Xbox, we played Halo for hours on end freshman year, but you know what else we played? N64, you know why? Goldeneye, that's fucking why. You just need some competitive multi-player game and you are set. You can go retro or you can buy the newest shiniest system and it won't make all that much difference.

Che/College shirt

Walking around campus, everyday we guarantee you will see at least one person wearing one of these shirts. Either with Che Guevara or with the word College simply printed on the front (and if you don't know where this shirt is from, we hate you). It's just one of the facts of college life.

One More Thing

If you were expecting that Asher Rothe song to finish up this article, you're going to be disappointed. While we find many things about that video wrong (blue cup, for instance), the main issue is with the lyric "I wish we taped it." If you've been to college, you know the best nights are the ones where you are thankful that no one taped it. Here's a video that more aptly describes college. Well.... the first two verses do, at least. We suppose that the other verses could too, but for your sake, we hope they don't.