Chocolate

Chocolate is good. So good, in fact, everyone loves it. Anyone who says they don't is lying to look different. Or an alien.

Chocolate can be used to make all kinds of Ahhh! Holy Shit, what the fuck is that thing?! Jesus christ...

Just The Facts

  1. Chocolate was used as currency by the Aztecs.
  2. Chocolate contains a chemical that can kill dogs.
  3. Dogs also can't see color; life sucks for dogs.
  4. Back on chocolate, everything is better with chocolate; maybe even bugs. (but probably not)

Chocolate!

Chocolate is a superfood; Scientists have used science to prove that chocolate is good for you (It has antioxidants! you will live forever!), it simulates love (so they say, more on this), and goes good with other awesome foods (peanut butter, mint, and everything).

Chocolate = Awesome

Chocolate has a tie to almost everything awesome; food (obviously), booze, sex, and violence. Chocolate could have easily starred Bruce Willis and been about a central American slave trade complete with Allen Rickman playing the evil European overlord. (we claim dibs on the concept and screenplay)

Here is a list of Awesome, fueled by Chocolate:

Sex

Click Here for Porno Chocolate (NSFW, seriously)


This is chocolate we can support; chocolate about fucking.

Yep, we went there, right from the get-go. Chocolate is supposedly an aphrodisiac; although science has never proven there is an actual chemical in chocolate that inspires people to fuck. However, chocolate's close association to Valentine's Day and Johnny Depp does give it the edge in getting men laid.

The chemical Theobromine is found in chocolate and is responsible for it being deadly to dogs and other animals, but is a stimulant that has cardiac benefits. So it can help your heart. Heart. Valentine's day. Chocoloate. Vagina. See how this all ties together? Good.

Violence

So we can assume Chocolate is responsible for action movies, right? Sex and Violence. Why violence? Well, the Olmecs and Mayans seemed to be pretty chill, but the Aztecs excelled and killing people in horrific ways. That leads directly to the Spaniards, who showed the Aztecs just how murdering can be done really effectively. Then there was the enslavement of the native people to farm chocolate. Okay, so slavery isn't awesome, but whips are, so it cancels out, right?

Anything + Chocolate > Anything

Chocolate also has the incredibly awesome ability to make previously less awesome things more awesome. Did you get all of that? Well, anyway, here's a list (more awesome than other lists. Guess why?)

Fountains

Okay, fountains aren't bad at all. In fact, they are pretty cool, despite being little more than an overgrown sprinkler used to water... rocks? Concrete? But are they Awesome?

Nope.

But add chocolate:

Oh, Shit Yeah...

Sculptures

There are some bad-ass sculptures in the world, made of bronze, copper, stone, Legos, you name it. Sculptures kick ass because they are like paintings, in rock, in 3d:

How many of you thought the tortise was a penis when you first looked? We did too.

Believe it or not, this is fucking chocolate:

Paintings(?)

Yep, paintings. Is there nothing chcoclate can't do? If we could splice chocolate with carbon nanotubes, we could make a master race of cyborg choco-flavored sexual fembots. Get to work, science.


A painting good enough to hang on your wall.

A painting good enough to eat. And it's Batman!