Girlfriends. Betcha can't even get one!

Your girlfriend

Just The Facts

  1. Girls can be friends. Those are "friends that happen to be girls." This only works if you happen to be a girl, otherwise it's a "Friends with boobies and that I want to have sex with".
  2. Girlfriends are the ones you sometimes actaully get to have sex with.
  3. As soon as you start having sex with a girlfriend, you should start trying to get rid of her. See below. .. no.. way below.. farther down.
  4. Girls need girlfriends. All women are lesbians inside. If you're a women and you say you haven't thought of having sex with another woman, you're full of shit.
  5. No matter what your mates say, they find your girlfriend annoying. She takes time away from valuable drinking.
  6. No matter what your girlfriend says, she finds your mates annoying. They take time away from valuable cuddles.

Girlfriend: Female who emasculates intermate male friend.

Girlfriends are dangerous. They yell and scream, throw fits, lie to their own girlfriends about how bad you are. Those bitches are crazy. On top of all that, they are expensive. Whenever you go out, you will be expected to pay. Its like some crazy government tax on having a penis. They suck your free time like something that sucks a lot of things, which indecently, is probably your girlfriend with dick, just not yours. Kinda like Veronica in Clerks with her 36, sorry 37 different guys she has given blowjobs to.

Now in saying all this, girlfriends do have some good points. They cook, clean, do your laundry, stop you from spending all day in bed, playing the computer and disaprove of your porn collection...oh wait sorry thats a bad thing. But there is another thing that does all of that and requires no work at all. It's called YOUR MUM. She's cheaper as well. I know from personal experience, so do half the readers of

Yet for all that, there is one thing that a Girlfriend has that your mum doesn't (or at least you can't enjoy unless you're some sort of sick perverted bastard). Boobs. Boobs are what are keeping the human population alive. And it is quite possibly the most rewarding feature on a girlfriend. Sure you can cop a feel from some random in a club, or stare down the top of that hot chick bending down, but only with a girlfriend can you get full boob privileges anytime, anywhere. And with boobs come sex.

Boobs: The best thing since...hell they ARE the best thing ever.

You need to have sex with your girlfriend until you've tried everything you want to try on her then trade her in for a new, updated, better looking, younger model. Don't keep these things around. They become attached, and for some weird reason that can prove fatal, you might become attached to them. Then all hope is lost and you might as well chop of your balls, grow a pair of tits and sit around acting ike a pussy.

Girlfriends can turn into wives before you know what's going on. Unpredictable like stirring a bowl of homemade contact explosives, and who hasn't done that...

Girl-friend: Female that cock teases a male.

Possibly the most deceptive girlfriend there is. They claim to be only friends, yet deep down you know she wants you. It might have been the way she laughed, how she commented on your hair, how she brushed past you and 'accidently' touched you. Whatever she says, you know its all a way of her playing hard to get. WARNING DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SLEEP WITH HER. It will only end badly, you will be humiliated. It turns out she seems to think of you as a girl friend, just with balls, extremely small balls, so small in fact that you are more of a girl then your sister (which isn't hard, I mean she is extremly hairy).

There is a danger to having a girl-friend, in that the longer you have one and haven't slept with her, the more gay you appear. If you are in fact gay, then that is fine, yet if you are straight, you run the risk of other girls thinking you are gay and therefore they are not going to sleep with you. And really what good are they then.

0-8: Any contact with girls is potentially leathal due to proximity to cooties and girl germs.

9-12: Girls can safely be considered friends without others thinking you're gay.

13-15: Any contact with females and you're mates think you are a pimp.

16-19: Remaining just friends for longer then 6 months and you run the risk of being considered gay.

20-25: Remaining just friends for longer then 3 months and you run the risk of being considered gay.

26-45: Being friends with a female, two possible options: had sex already or impotent.

Older then 46: Impotaent.

Girl friends: Female friend of another female.

One word for them. BITCHES. They try and convice your girlfriend she is too good for you and to dump your sorry arse, sometimes they are sucsessful, most times they are right. Also, your girlfriend will bitch to you about how much her girl friends are bitches, and how they bitch to their girl friends about your girlfriend and how much of a bitch she is, while your girlfriend's girl friends' girl friends will bitch to you're girlfriend about how much of a bitch her girl friends are for bitching about how much of a bitch she is. If you understood that, you're a female and completly agree with me. If you're male, you don't care, and just wish they would slap each other and start a catfight. Prefrably while you are there, and prefrably while you have your phone out filming the entire thing.

Girlfriends: Lesbians.

Admit it. you were only reading this article for the chance that some hot, barely clad females were in it with the chance that most would be kissing another hot barely clad female. Well here you go.

Mainly because it was NSFW it has been reduced in size.

Unfortunatly, most lesbians look nothing like that. And in the intrest of unbiased article, here are what real lesbians look like. Proceed at your own risk

Hang on. Is that a dude?