Buffalo Wings

The thoughts of a 1600 pound beast flying over and dropping a 40 pound turd on the hood of your Kia aint what I'm talking about. The most Popular finger food on the planet is known as "The Buffalo wing".The 4 real levels of Heat...

Imagine this thing taking a shit on your car...

Yay Level five!!! (read on)

Just The Facts

  1. Wings are also Drumsticks.
  2. Fat people swarm to them armed with Ranch Dressing.
  3. Celery sucks with anything
  4. Hooters girls are way better than their wings (self explanatory)
  5. The boneless are for fags.

Level 1 : These are not hot at all...Wing

This type is what comes on the childs menu . These are all about flavor instead of heat. Some places showcase their grilling techniques on these wings. Some use mequite, some use oak some pull them straight out of the freezer and into the fryer. This grade of wing is on the boring side unless you are dining with the elderly.

You could wipe your ass with one of these but your grandmother can't breathe and sucks on your


Level 2: Bring on the heat...Wing

Sometimes your buddies call you a pussy when your order is this mid grade spicy wing. This is the beginning of "the wings that are served with celery". Why the celery you ask? Fuck if I know, They say it helps calm the taste buds as they begin to burn. I personally think it is a meager attempt to offset the endless amount of fryer grease and ranch dressing that preceeded- the only bite you take of this stringy crunchy, tasteless fucking plant. Nevertheless this wing is spicy if you eat several but you can still look cool by not chugging your water.

Level 3: Who you calling pussy?...Wing

This wing is where the boys are pushed aside by the men.

One bite and your thinking about taking a shit in the morning. Meanwhile your smartass buddy is commenting on how this thing should be on the kid's menu. After about 3 your starting to look around for the waitress because your water is half empty and your doing WING MATH in your head .

(1/2 glass of water = 2 of these hot bastards)

Your buddy keeps sayin "Are you sweating? You pussy!" Your beginning to eat the celery trying to convince your friends you grew up eating it- interrupted only by yourself sayin "Have you guys seen the waitress?"

Level 4: Jesus Fucking Christ...Wing

As they set these on the table you immediatley are short of breath. Your eyes start to water and you get a blister on your fucking thumb just holding one. Your buddy says "Yeah that's What I'm Talking about" You get the idea that maybe if I eat them fast and get it over with...but you would have better luck trying to swallow your shoes.You take a bite your tongue sends a message to your brain saying "do something" then another bite the tongues says fuck it and goes numb. You bite another and the tongue wakes up and instructs the brain to tell your hand to let fucking go and lets get out of here. You briefly wonder how your buddy can take it and you notice Macho has left him, He is crying and eating the celery wrapped in a wet napkin.

Level 5: Sasquatch Wing

There is no level 5, There are extremists that will argue but I reserve that the level 5 hot wing is the same as a Sasquatch. People say it exists, But I have not seen one. There are obvious faked pictures hanging on the walls.Still not seen One,a Level 5 walking around is just too dangerous to fathom. I have heard people tell tales of how hot the wings are "back home". Back home? Where the fuck is home? The depths of Hell? There is a point in the HotWing heiarchy where flavor is sacrificed for heat and yet heat is sacrificed for bragging rights kind of heat but then what? Pure fucking retardation may be they only way Level 5 is ever reached but how can it be verified?