Glenn Beck

Glenn Beck rests as an All American example of how one man can turn substantial tragedy into a life full of vitriolic douche-baggedness

Glenn's tears keep meatcurtains glistenning worldwide.

Glenn Beck Hallowe'en 2003

Just The Facts

  1. Beck and Stephanie Meyers are to be released as 7th Day Adventist Action Figures in 2010
  2. Beck. Rape. Murder. Schoolgirl. 1990's.
  3. Beck's third wife left him because of his relentless fascination with her "pooper"

BECK'S CHILDHOOD: What the communists don't want you to know

If it's one thing about Glenn Beck we can all agree on, it is that he is not a journalist. 1 Yet, further research into Glenn Beck has revealed much more than his self-proclaimed "not being a journalist." ". Glenn Beck is also not an optometremist, spelunker, citrus fruit dryer, fountain repairer, neck skewer or gum buster. However, there may be some truth to Beck's training as a braille translator.

Glenn is a student of tragedy. His mother, Glenda Beck, died of mysterious circumstances, December 10, 1964, three months before he was born. While that may have been enough to break even the hardiest of spirits, Glenn persevered, known to be a happy young student. Beck, at the age of seven had procured a sizeable academic record and had several finger painting projects posted about the school.

His grade three teacher, Sister Mary Ellen Frankfoiter would say of Glen in her memoirs, "Glenn was a happy enough lad. While many of the other students would find reason to complain of the headmaster's amorous advances, Glenn seemed to welcome them and pursued them with unprecedented spirit. I almost wanted to take a crack at him, but as a Nun, I was more into girls."2

Had Glenn not gone to school on Sept 11, 1971, the fates may have cast a different light on him. Sitting on his desk was his mail, one addressed in ransom fashion. Glued in haphazard design were the secrets of his father's disappearance. Tragically, two weeks before meeting his mother, Glenn's father, Len Beck (I couldn't make this stuff up) moved to England to open a tailoring company. Glenn's own tweets depict the confusion of a young man, "Sometimes I feel like i am living a dream, other times like I am in a Hitchcock film!" Unknown to the young man, it would be those kind of Kafkaesque's literals that put Glenn centre stage amongst American academic juggernaughts.

The days between September 11, 1971 and September 14, 1971 are untraceable but it was widely conjectured that Glenn may have spent some time looking for his father. Others have wondered whether he went to visit his grandparents that weekend. (Ben and Brenn - go figure)

Beck's teenage years were non-descript. He spent most of his time not being a journalist for the School's Paper, the, The Holy Babble. Glenn's first girlfriend Jan Heck, would later remark, "I liked Glenn. Yet, there was an argument that happenned one day, up in my bedroom, when Glenn started crying." He wanted to know why I always wanted him to touch my Volvo. He was kind of square I guess."

After the loss of Jan, Glenn quickly deteoriated and his peer, one Timothy McVeigh became to worry avout him, "Glenn and I would spend some good times talking about gun control and how we'd better defend ourselves against the common enemy. We had just started to put together a list of what constitutes the liberal media and when we got to page 38, Glenn started to look pale."

Beck's paleness would later become a cold, a cold that unbeknownst to Beck would drastically alter the course of his life.

1 http://www.google.ca/search?rlz=1C1CHMI_enCA340CA340&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8&q=glenn+beck+I+am+not+a+journalist

2 http://www.google.ca/search?rlz=1C1CHMI_enCA340CA340&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8&q=Sister+Mary+Ellen+Franfoiter+memoirs

BECK'S COLLEGE YEARS: Sex, Drugs and Holy Roll

Beck's cold never seemed to end. Four months after his estrangement from McVeigh, who Beck would later refer to as "too centrist", Beck was knocking back up to two tablespoons of Buckleys a day. To further that concern, he had developed a taste for Butterscotch Ripple. It was at this point that he succumbed to delusion and had it not been for Sanford and Son, his life may have gone a completely different direction.

"Those two, Fred and Lamont Sanford are what America is all about. Yet, the common theme that only African Americans can be cynical junk yard owners sickens me. I fear there will come a day when a white man will not a get chance at the presidency. Who speaks for the Beverly Hillbillies?"

Yet, Beck carried Fred Sanford's melodrama with him, and hoped to bring it to what he saw was the diminishing power of rich, white America.

"If that man can feign a heart attack so convincingly, surely I can shed a tear or two."

Beck continued on to Yale. There, Beck's academic dreams were shattered when he discovered he had entered a course on Christology and not mixology. He was excused from campus foe arguing with Reverend Donald Perry the definition of Bloody Mary. Beck now advocates home schooling.

BECK'S FORAY INTO ENTERTAINMENT: An Inconvenient Douche

Glenn Beck's lucky break came on the morning of September 11th, 1994. Wren Flaverlut, the station manager at DOCH radio, Forks, Washington, had this to say of Glenn's discovery, "For years we had posted for a reporter who had no interest in journalism. I had just canned Helmut VanderKoppen who I had assigned to expose the local kid's birthday clown as a Communist." ["Happy" Jimmy Borsalot had apparently been overbooked and could not perform at Flaverlut's beet canning party]

VanderKoppen was, like so many others interested in research and fact checking to do the actual story. To Flaverlut ,Beck was a Godsend. He not only did the story but also had Borsalot investigated for child abuse, treason, check forgery and unlicensed baloon animals. While all charges were dropped, Beck had made a name for himself.

Flaverlut continues, "The fact that Beck was drunk all the time was reassuring. I could count on him to spew out anything and be assured that none of it would be reported properly." Beck was an enigma. While he treated most guests with contempt and ranted nonsensical ramblings, he would frequently break down, crying, and tell anyone who would listen. "I love you man, you know, you and me, we're different, but we're all brothers, you know? In the big sense of the word." Beck was diligent in his work and would spend most of the time at the station, sometimes passing out at the microphone and waking up days later, asking the crew what they were doing in his bedroom.

However, if it weren't for the events of September 11, 1998, Beck's life may have gone a completely different route. Flaverlut, "When Glenn's wife1 tried to convince him to stop drinking, I have to admit, I got a little worried. The drunk Glenn was too entertaining. So, I have him painkillers to slip into his vodka. Hoped that'd make him sober at home. " Flaverlust had to do something, and in a style that he knew Beck would respect fabricated a letter from a fictitious mistress of Beck's and sent it to the local paper. Jenn Beck was to be Jenn Flaverlut a day later. Beck learned of the news a month later.

"The bastard still quit drinking.", said a surprised Flaverlut, "and I couldn't have been more surprised. The man was loonier sober than drunk! He started to expose mice in the cafeteria as terrorists and almost had the janitor lynched for describing Beck as a socialite."

1 The story of Beck's wife was removed due to not being written

GLENN BECK TODAY: Tears for Fears

The roughly 97% of America who criticize Beck" for his ridiculous tirades, fake crying, witch hunts and impersonations of a slanderer, Beck counters by rebutting that they're "Unamerican". Point: Beck.

Beck is a media forced to be reckoned with. Beck's expose of the failing health care system in the US for CNN in January 2008 was lauded as a call for health care reform that illuminated Beck as a man of principle..

Yet, it was his work for FOX news a year later, that Beck really sent his message home. American health care needs no reform.

While with FOX news, Beck has become a rallying cry for people who refuse to spell slogans on signs correctly. He has not only spotted Waldo, but written a 4 page manifesto on how Waldo is indoctrinating American youth. Beck's biggest undertaking is to espouse personal freedoms for wealthy, caucasian Americans while ensuring that everyone else is labelled as communists. It's a simple scheme and for Beck, it works.

Beck's last speaking engagement is covered by Dan O'Brien here.

Beck has recently come under fire for allegations that unlike, the liberal media2, that his show is full of fringe right wing hyperbole. Rupert Murdoch, in defense offered, "Our news slogan is fair and balanced. Get over it."

The most unsettling allegation is the continuing question of whether or not Glenn Beck raped and killed a school girl in 1990. The question, Did Glenn Beck rape and kill a schoolgirl in 1990 has been simply refuted as a parody of Beck's battering ram reporting style, yet those who ask the question have never heard a reply from him. The bigger question is why he has not denied it.

1 As much as I can guess

2http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_United_States_over-the-air_television_networks

3 http://www.google.ca/search?rlz=1C1CHMI_enCA340CA340&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8&q=did+glenn+back+rape