Obama policies on Special Olympics bowling, making up names for languages that don't exist or telling other countries that they're only friend is themselves. The 7 Quotes From President Obama That Have Made Us Start Drinking Again.
7. THE QUOTE: "Contrary to the rumors you have heard, I was not born in a manger. I was actually born on Krypton and sent here by my father, Jorel, to save the planet Earth."
"CASH FOR CLUNKERS!!!!!!!!"
WHY WE HIT THE BOTTLE: Okay, a lot to deal with here. First off, a big reason we voted for Obama was because we really thought he was the big JC and the last time we checked, Jesus was born in a manger. So a little disappointed there, but maybe he was just setting the record straight. Second, because he's setting the record straight, we're calling dibs on The Bible rewrite for changing "manger" and "Joseph" to "Krypton" and "Jorel." Third, where in Kenya is Krypton?
It's on there somewhere.
6. THE QUOTE: "In case you missed it, this week, there was a tragedy in Kansas. Ten-thousand people died - an entire town destroyed."
Which means he is over-qualified to write the President's speeches.
WHY WE HIT THE BOTTLE: Only 12 people died. Obama was only a Senator when he made this comment, so we want to give him a pass, but how do you miss a casualty number you're talking about by 9,988? We understand that his speech writers, Ren & Stimpy, have more pressing booger matters to attend to, but it seems like the guy running from President of the United States might want to hire writers with more formal training than a psychotic Chihuahua and the cat-version of Ralphie from The Simpsons.
"Just put 10,000. It sounds more devastating."
5. THE QUOTE: "Just this past week, we passed out the, out of the U.S. Senate Banking Committee - which is my committee - a bill to call for divestment from Iran as way of ratcheting up the pressure to ensure that they don't obtain a nuclear weapon."
"Oh yeah, well I took your Senate Committee."
WHY WE HIT THE BOTTLE: Our vote-getter, Obama, was not on the U.S. Senate Banking Committee. Again, Obama was just a Senator at the time, so on one hand we'd like to chalk this up to a "slip-of-the-tongue." On the other hand, we're not fucking idiots, so it's hard to do that. We're pretty sure this is what went through Obama's mind when he was saying this:
Obama's Mind: "U.S. Senate Banking Committee? That sounds pretty fucking sweet. Hmmm... I bet I could just take that and no one would notice. Yep. I'm taking that shit. Okay mouth, time to work. Say, 'which is my committee.' Well done mouth. It's bullet-proof."
Obama's thoughts wear this.
4. THE QUOTE: "Let me be absolutely clear. Israel is a strong friend of Israel's. It will be a strong friend of Israel's under a McCain... administration. It will be a strong friend of Israel's under an Obama administration. So that policy is not going to change."
WHY WE HIT THE BOTTLE: We learned alot about Obama's foreign policies with this statement. First, Israel has no friends, unless you count Israel, which Obama does. We don't so, ipso facto, Israel has no friends. Second, Israel is a strong friend, but it's only a friend of Israel's. Basically, if Israel gets in a war, our stance is that 'we have televisions and we'll watch it if Pay-Per-View isn't charging out the ass because we think you can handle your own shit just fine.' Also, it doesn't matter who is elected, no one is helping you, Israel.
Pictured: Israel and all their friends.
3. THE QUOTE: "It was also interesting to see that political interaction in Europe is not that different from the United States Senate. There's a lot of - I don't know what the term is in Austrian, wheeling and dealing."
WHY WE HIT THE BOTTLE: Austrian isn't a god-damned language. To be fair, we thought it was, too. Fortunately for us, we're not the Leader of the Free World. As a nation, we're coming off 8 years of "W," a president who struggled with color-by-numbers books. He basically set the bar for future presidents at the "just don't say dumb shit" line. With this line, Obama toed the shit out of that line. Let's be fair though. Obama was in France when he said this and if anyone was surrounded by cheese farts and those ridiculous berets, we're pretty sure they'd have said worse stuff than this.
"Let's get the fuck outta this place. Wait, are those baggettes? Dude, run!"
2. THE QUOTE: "No, no. I have been practicing... I bowled a 129. It's like - it was like Special Olympics or something."
Artists rendering of the event.
WHY WE HIT THE BOTTLE: Holy... fucking... shit. 1. Why is the President on The Tonight Show? 2. We didn't elect Dave Chappelle. 3. Holy... fucking... shit. This is a statement made by the Most Powerful Man on the planet Earth. He thought that his bowling score sucked, so he compared it to a score attained by mentally and physically handicapped individuals in the Special Olympics. Oh yeah, on national television. Oh yeah, with everyone watching. I can't wait till he accidentally trips on some steps and explains it on Letterman by saying, "I know, Dave! I'm like a parapalegic!" Plus, talk about exaggerating. Special Olympic bowling scores are probably more like 9 or 13 at best.
1. THE QUOTE: "I've been in 57 states now - I think one left to go."
"54, 55, 56 and Krypton. Yep, all 57 are here."
WHY WE HIT THE BOTTLE: When every man, woman and child [FYI, we count George W. in the child category] in America heard this statement, an amazing thing happened. For the first time in our young nation's history, each of us all had the exact same thought at the exact same time. The word-for-word, exact, same though. "Dammit. He is from Kenya."