Crank: High Voltage is the sequel to Jason Statham's high-speed action movie of 2006, Crank. It was released in early 2009, so there was a lengthy gap in which someone decided to just greenlight it.
Jason Statham makes ridiculous movies (See intro of SeanBaby's:www.cracked.com/blog/ong-bak-2-action-porn-evolved). The movie starts off with Fuck You Chev Chelios (I'm pretty sure that's his name. That's the only thing people call him) falling out of the sky. If you haven't seen the first movie, don't worry, they explain nothing. Within seconds, our hero(?) is scooped off the street and taken away. He wakes up on a table with his chest open, surgeons looking down at him. A man proceeds to flick cigarette ashes and spit directly on his exposed heart, much to the consternation of both Chevy and the surgeons. While Chev watches, the surgeon removes his heart and places it in a cooler, filling the hole with an artificial heart. A Chinese gentleman takes the cooler and leaves, leaving our hero in great peril.
This was only the second time Chev had his heart stolen, but this movie isn't about his encounter with Bernard at the Sauna.
After an undetermined time, Chev awakens, the surgeons discussing a chart of his body and which part they're going to remove next. The surgeon points to the chart's comically large penis, at which Chev has had enough. He decides to take action and promptly murders the entire building. While walking passed a door, the audience is treated to a naked woman's breasts. For absolutely no reason. When he escapes to the roof, a horrendously choreographed gunfight takes place. The last guy is a perfect example. Chev is hiding behind a building with a shotgun while Mr. Mexican fires at him with a pistol. After expending his bullets, Mr. Mexican, standing in wide open, looks down and loads his gun, quite clumsily. Chev, wanting answers, knocks him down with the back of the shotgun. Glancing around, he dips the barrel of the shotgun in a canister of oil, shooting the audience a knowing look. I chuckled, knowing exactly what he was going to do. He exposes Mr. Mexican's rear and shoves the barrel directly up his ass. My chuckling was abruptly cut short. That wasn't what I had expected. A very uncomfortable interrogation ensues, in which poor Mr. Mexican reveals the name and location of the heart-stealer. Along the way, he calls his friend who refuses to stop massaging his black girlfriend's ample behind to inform him that as long as the battery attached to his belt is active, he'll stay alive. The battery promptly explodes. Chev now must constantly receive electricity to keep his heart beating. We now have the premise of the movie.
Chev is happiest when violating a man's rectum with a loaded weapon.
There's a few boring scenes here, as Chev askes an old lady where 5th street is. For a movie that's all about high-octane action, these scenes upset the general flow of the movie. After he finds it though, business as usual. A fat man tumbles out the building, holding an Asian prostitute. Chev politely asks if he's the heart-stealer, and bashes his face in upon receiving a negative. He then enters the building, cue wacky music, and henchmen begin to fly out every window repeatedly, in a seemingly impossible order. All the while, mostly-nude women are running to and fro for the audience's viewing pleasure. The Asian prostitute from before picks up a bike and repeatedly crushes the overweight chauvinist's scrotum. Failing in his quest, Chev exits the building in a grumpy fashion. The Asian prostitute flings herself on him, loving him in a subserviant fashion because he saved her. Borderline racism aside, she happens to know exactly where the heart-stealer is. A strip-club. Where I'm sure the women will be tastefully shown with plenty of clothes.
Sadly, this is the second funniest character in the movie.
Tits everywhere. A literal montage of tits and simulated sex acts. Classy, Crank. As Chev walks in, he notices that the stripper on stage is his girlfriend. Chev continues to be his usual reasonable self and proceeds to rock this gentleman's world for giving his girl a dollar. We see the heart-stealer in the back, being roughed up by heavily tattooed Hispanic men. They make a deal of some sort, none of which is really explained. Chev then picks up a guy and hurls him into the Hispanic's area, which prompts them to come out guns blazing. The strippers return fire because they are heavily armed with assault rifles. The scene goes something like this: Tits/guns/death/tits/tits/death/tits/tits/death. The most disturbing part of this scene is one of the strippers gets shot in the breast, which start leaking silicone while she screams. We are treated with this visual masterpiece for a solid 3 seconds or so, an eternity when it comes to breast-leaking. The police arrive on the scene as Chev is leaving with his girlfriend and Asian pet. Only one of them is wielding a pistol, which is appropriate when responding to a full-on automatic weapon gang war. Chev attacks a police officer, but starts to run low on energy as his heart slows. The cops surround him and pummel him with nightsticks, before one busts out a taser. This is a common element in this movie; Chev's opponents will usually try to defeat him with some form of electricity. After getting tased, Chev explodes, sending the cops flying off him, as seen in the Matrix. He then hijacks a cop car, repeatedly tasing himself to keep himself going. Meanwhile, in the backseat is a stripper and his girlfriend. After surviving a full-scale gun war and nearly getting arrested before being kidnapped by a crazy guy, the stripper does the reasonable: she starts raping the girlfriend. The stripper overhears that Chev is looking for the heart-stealer, and she conveniently knows where he's going to be next. Apparently, this guy likes to adhere to a very strict, very public schedule, even with a pyschotic killing machine chasing him.
Tase me, Bro!
Chev keeps driving along, but is halted by a picket line. Of pornstars. The porn stars climb on the hood of his vehicle, exposing their tits and offering sex acts, as all porn stars are wont to do in their free time. However, the cops catch up to Chev, so he bails the car. While running along, he sees a skateboarder being filmed as he grinds a rail. A light-bulb appears over Chev's head (not metaphorically, LITERALLY), and he jumps on the rail and tries to shoe-grind it. He slips, lands on his man-jewels. While his face is twisted in pain, he screams "CUT!", to the delight of the group of attractive women watching. He proceeds on, coming to a park with two guys training a dog with an electric collar. One of the guys keeps shocking the dog even after it obeys and delivers one of the very few funny lines in the movie. This man happens to be Maynard James Keenan. Chev approaches the two, takes the dog's collar off and puts it on himself. He intimidates MJK into shocking him by slapping non-MJK. While he's being shocked, Chev starts dancing slightly while barking. It reminded me of a hip-hop Scruff McGruff, but not in a good way. The police man catches up to Chev, and the dog instantly dashes towards and latches on to the officer's peppersack. Take THAT, authority!
Chev is vexed by the line of beautiful women wanting to do unspeakable acts to him.
There's a time transition, literally saying 9 seconds later. Chev is surrounded by the cops, with their guns locked on him. All is hopeless. Then, some guy rides up on a scooter, Chev jumps on, and they ride away. The cops really dropped the ball on that one. Boring conversation ensues, but the man turns out to be one of Chev's old friend's twin brother. He also happens to be gay and is afflicted with full body tourette's, one of the film's main comedic devices. Take THAT, Tourette's sufferers! Gay-Tourette's drops him off at the horse races, but he starts to run low on energy. His friend calls and tells him static electricity should work. Reasonable-Chev starts dryhumping a man and an old lady. Cue laugh track. Sexual assault is hilarious. The girlfriend catches up, and hears about the rubbing. She brings him down to the stairs and proceeds to ride him. She opens his shirt, sees the huge scar and freaks out. Chev stumbles towards the wall separating the horse race and the audience. Fearing he'll fall over, the girlfriend runs over to him and pushes both of them over the wall. While in the dirt, they proceed to just bone. Just flat out boning, several different positions while the people at the horse race, young and old, men and women, clap enthusiastically and cheers them on. While doing it missionary, a horse jumps over them. You see the girlfriend's face light up, then the camera switches POV and you get to see why. Here's a hint: it's horse cock.
This one's for you, ladies.
Fully recharged, Chev takes off again in a boring chase scene. Chev is about to get arrested when a white limo pulls up, separating the cops and Chev. He gets in, which causes the cops to forget they were chasing a murderer and wander off, I assume to lick some lead paint. The guy in the limo, along with his four heavily armed henchmen, proceed to tell Chev that his heart was chosen by Poon Dong, an ancient leader of the Triads, said to be a God. The limo-man then proceeds to clearly telegraph he's going to turn Chev in, who grabs the non-chalant henchman's gun and kill everyone. Chev jumps out, running low on battery. Chev sees a high-voltage box thing (I'm not an electrician) and zaps himself. You are then treated to a scene where the Mexican boss orders the heavily-tattooed Mexican to cut off his own nipples for failing. He does so, quite graphically. Next, we get to catch up with the girlfriend, who is talking to a guy who is trying to persuade her to stay away from the murderous Chev. She lifts him up and tosses him like a doll at a car. They're a match made in heaven. Chev hijacks an ambulance, where one of the paramedics (the PI from House) suits him up with another battery. After finding his new battery, Chev conveniently finds heart-stealer just walking around on the street, still lugging around the cooler. He skillfully assassinates HS's two followers, but can't seem to hit the main target. One of the bullet ricochet's, a sick Rube Goldberg's device. Then, we see Dennis from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia talking to a psychiatrist about his harrowing, near death experience with Chev.
The conversation plays out like this:
Dennis: I'm afraid to leave the house... I keep seeing that madmen and his gun...
Female Psychiatrist: Go fuck a hooker.
Female Psychiatrist: A really dirty one, baby.
Dennis: Yeahhh, I like the sound of that.
Female Psychiatrist: I'm going to orgasm now.
The bullet then ricochets into Dennis' head, saving him from embarrassing himself further. Instantly after he dies, before even I can process it, the psychiatrist leans over and pukes on the camera.
Back to the main "story", Chev chases heart-stealer into a power-plant type place. Heart-stealer proceeds to throw him against a circuit box, where lightning magically comes from the sky into Chev's two raised fists. Chev and heart-stealer are suddenly giants, fighting Godzilla-style and destroying the power-plant. I did not make that up. The scene reverts back to regular mild-insanity, and Chev opens the cooler and the heart's not in there, much to his dismay. It never shows you what's in the cooler, even though I was oddly interested. It cuts to his friend, who sends his black girlfriend to work on the streets. Poon Dong is seen driving around, looking for a hooker to celebrate with. He's played by David Carradine. A final, epic karate fight is shaping up between Jason Statham and David Carradine, an electrical psychopath vs. ancient Yakuza god. Meanwhile, though, Chev is kidnapped by nipple-less Mexican. There's a flashback while he's unconcious to when Chev was a child. You get a real insight into his character and his motives. That's in a perfect world. In Crank world, you get seizure-inducing flashes of child-Chev destroying people's lives. He's boringly tortured, then brought before the Mexican leader. Women are everywhere, 50% of them topless, the other 50% nude. Cheap visual tricks are in full display. The Mexican leader reveals that one of the people Chev killed in the first movie is still alive and leads Chev to a disembodied head in a fish tank. Gay-Tourette's shows up, leading a leather-clad gay men and lady stripper army. Chev sees a transformer on the wire and climbs up the telephone pole to get some energy. Meanwhile, scene shifts to black girlfriend leading Carradine into her home, where the friend injects him and knocks him out, handily killing off Poon Dong. Cut back to chaos, Chev reaches the transformer and blasts himself. He lands right by Gay-Tourette's and saves him. Apparently, the transformer was just too much electricty for him. Chev's clothes are bad-CG on fire, while his face is scarred and melting. He turns around to face the camera, zooms in on him for close-up, he gives his best maniacal grin and he flips the bird to the audience. Insane music starts playing, credits roll.
Chev continues to show his disdain for the viewing public, even until the end.