How To Prepare For An Alien Invasion

It'll start with a low light. Next thing you know they'll rip you from you bed and then they'll take your blood type. It'll leave a strange impression in your head.

Just The Facts

  1. The Federation of the Universe representing all the 88 star constellations will officially visit earth in 2012 and reveal themselves. We shit you not.
  2. This visit will initially seem peaceful - but if "V" has taught us anything it will turn ugly really quickly.
  3. The aliens will offer a fair trade wherein they wish to obtain chemicals and minerals needed to aid their ailing world and in exchange they will share their advanced technology with humanity.
  4. In reality they are just coming here for our emo porn.

Alien Invasion Checklist


It's a known fact that aliens are indeed coming. It's not a question of "if" but rather "when" they will come and scrub our planet clean of every last life source. Naturally we will need to prepare ourselves accordingly first for the increased frequency of abductions and then eventually the complete annihilation of our planet. Hollywood says it is so - thus it will indeed be so.

We at cracked have come up with the following checklist of 7 critical items that every human will need when the shit goes down.

7. Sunlight - If aliens are anything like vampires they won't like sunshine. So just go stand out in your yard at midday when you see that big-ass space ship hovering overhead. Be sure to torment them by yelling "Aliens suck dicks!" and shaking your balls at them and stuff, so they will come down to give you a stern lecture and inadvertently get themselves killed by the midday sun. Hopefully they won't have any sort of laser technology though to zap your ass from above..... Actually yeah - we're sure they don't so go ahead just hang out on your lawn.


6. Germs - Showing a shocking lack of forsight the aliens that invade us will unknowingly be on their own death march since they do not have any immunity to our Earth diseases. That being the case they will die very soon after arriving on Earth. Hell, they may only have time to destroy one or two countries before their alien health starts to fail, and since they are brilliant (clearly) the aliens would certainly pick China and India to attack first since they are the most populated countries with nuclear capabilities, so really we in North America are probably fine anyway. (U-S-Fuckin-A! ) But keep your sick toddler handy just in case.

5. Feces - Basically the same idea as Germs (above) but in case you don't feel comfortable waiting while the aliens die a slow death from exposure to our earth cooties you may want to speed the process up a bit. If that's the case then go just primate on their alien asses. Let's face it primates as a species are basically the equivalent of a race of kids spawned by Ron Jeremy and a Paris Hilton/Pamela Anderson hybrid. They are a bunch of little, hairy, disease ridden nuisances that are basically good for nothing. Much like a potential race of Jerehiltersons, primates too have given exactly one thing to society. The Jerehilterson's have produced entertaining cinema and the primates have flung their own shit at each other as a defense mechanism (which frankly is equally as entertaining as the Jerehilterson porn). If you want to make an alien sick (and you don't happen to have a Jerehilterson on standby to quite literally fuck the aliens to death) just start throwing your own crap at them. The effect would be exactly the same.

"Turds away lads, turds away!"

4. Tin Foil -Our research seems to prove that wearing tin foil hats will prevent aliens from reading our brain waves. Much in the same way that an infant is genuinely surprised a game of peek-a-boo the aliens will apparantly not know our thoughts nor whereabouts because our tin foil lids will basically render us invisible. If we wear them long enough the aliens will just leave and get all pissy with the one alien who persuaded the others to attack earth in the first place.

Aliens - "Nice job Glork, what a fucking waste of time!"

Glork - "Boys I swear there is a planet full of people here we can't just leave - we've only been here like 2 hours..."

Aliens - "Listen dude just shut the hell up ok? We are in so much shit when we get back home!"

Glork - "A'ight, a'ight. Jeez relax."

Aliens - "Relax? Relax?!? No we won't fucking relax. We're heading back with no new intelligence and no earth bitches. This invasion is a total failure.

Glork - "But guys jesus let's go down and poke around a bit - there are bound to be beings down th....

Aliens - "Ok man that's E-nough!!! <click>" - Pressing the ejector seat.

Glork - "AAAAAAAAAHHHHH! - Yoooouuuu fuuuuuuckerrrrs! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"

"Shhhhh. Don't think out loud. The aliens will get us."

3. Anal Lube - It is a known fact that when people get abducted they get anally probed. So in the face of this impending sodomy you should get yourself some lube. LOTS of it. Then when the abduction takes place you need to take some of the same advice you gave your girlfriend. Lube up, bend over and just relax. It probably won't be that bad. And we are sure the aliens will cuddle with you afterwards and tell you that you are awesome.

"Hot" Anal Lube? Really?

2. Water - Again our research tells us that there is a good chance that the aliens will be vulnerable to water. So load up with a few dozen gallons of water and at first contact be sure to douse those alien bastards with a splash-fest that would rival the staff Christmas party. That said of course these are aliens who are advanced life forms who have mastered inter-planetary travel and have built spacecraft that can fly faster than the speed of light. So there is a remote possibility that simply soaking them will just piss them right off. In that case you had better hope they are so pissed that they skip the anal probe and just vaporize you on the spot.

"sthquirt, sthquirt, sthquirt"

1. Will Smith - In case you didn't see Independance Day we will enlighten you. In that movie not only did Will Smith win a fire-fight with a goddam alien space craft that could fly 100 times faster than his shitty earth fighter, but after he shot it down Smith walked right up to the wreckage, somehow opened the hatch on the first try and then punched that alien the fuck OUT. The same alien that survived and was conscious after a horrific high speed spaceship crash was knocked unconscious by one Will Smith right cross. Now either that alien had a jaw like Glass Joe or Will Smith is one tough mother fucker. We're going with the Fresh Prince on this one, so when shit gets real make your way to Hollywood and cozy up to Will and Jada and ride out the invasion.

And bring the lube....Jada may be into it.

You can only hope