Moustaches

Anyone with functioning male genitalia has, at some point, seriously considered growing a moustache. This is one of many reasons why women suspect all men are at least semi-retarded.

Just The Facts

  1. The last President to sport a moustache was Taft, who ruined them for every President since by being a generally useless load.
  2. The longest moustache in the world, measuring 133.4 inches in length, is owned by Kaylan Ramji Sain of India. He gets fewer requests for moustache rides than he anticipated.
  3. The only two current major stars to regularly sport moustaches are Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom, clearly illustrating the sad status of the moustache in the 21st century.

The Current State of the Moustache

Despite being popular for much of history, moustaches are now the style equivalent of wearing a polyester leisure suit on your upper lip. It's hard to say how this could have happened with fine specimens of manhood like Tom Sellick and Chuck Norris flying the moustache banner, but somehow they simply fell out of favor sometime in the 80s. Maybe they just weren't coke snorting compatable. That said, a few segments of the population continue to brandish their push brooms with pride.


For Those Still Intent on Growing a Moustache

Still not dissuaded in your quest to grow a moustache? Well fine then, if we can't convince you otherwise, this video will provide you with some handy 'stache growing tips. Provided you're a crudely drawn sea creature of course.