MP3 Players

MP3 Players are the devices that keep you from communicating with your family and friends.

Just The Facts

  1. Fuck CD players
  2. MP3 Players store and play back audio files
  3. If you don't have one, you're probably over 40
  4. They're often integrated with phones
  5. Come on, you know what an MP3 player is
  6. Idiot.

Cracked on MP3 Players

Wait, did that say "MP3 Players"? We meant "iPods". Seriously, fucking everyone has an iPod. And if you don't?

Lesbian Loser!

MP3 players revolutionized the art of being a douchebag while making heavy profit margins. Imagine, you, a complete shitwad douche, are riding the bus. You have your collar popped, the tongues of your shoes placed over your jeans, your pink polo shirt is a size too small, and your hair gel is more obvious than Jake Gyllenhall's faggitivity. How can you piss people off even more? By listening to an MP3 player! Nothing screams "I want to irritate the fuck out of you" more than sporting those white earbuds and wearing your iPod shuffle on your belt.

Aside from that, MP3 players are pretty useful devices. If you're in the mood for literally any song you want, it's no less than a few clicks away from being forced into your earbuds. That means whenever you're feeling really happy and want to be dissapointed, you can play this song whenever you want!

Thanks, iPod!


Zunes are basically one of the worst things humanity has ever done. Whether it's their rock-fuck stupid interface, their dated features, their puke-inducingly ugly appearance (yep, brown was actually offered as a color. The color of shit.) or Microsoft's shittarded advertising campaign, there is no question that owning a Zune makes you 75% more doucheable. Take a look at their recent marketing strategy:

Let's just break down this ridiculous ad in our trademarked list-form:

  • Very few people actually fill up an iPod
  • You know, people actually have CDs they bought before their iPod
  • Does Microsoft know how popular torrenting is?
  • The guy looks like he's half constipated

  • If you stop paying monthly, you lose all bu 10 songs per month
  • He says one costs a lot and one costs a little, but if its monthly, then you have to pay for infinity to keep all your music right? Zune's music costs an infinte amount of cash dollars.
  • Who worries about the capacity of their iPod? 30GB is more than 90% of people will ever need.
  • Because he did this commercial, be probably does have $30,000 laying around for music

In short, the only useful thing you need to know about MP3 players is to not buy a Zune.