MP3 Players are the devices that keep you from communicating with your family and friends.
Wait, did that say "MP3 Players"? We meant "iPods". Seriously, fucking everyone has an iPod. And if you don't?
MP3 players revolutionized the art of being a douchebag while making heavy profit margins. Imagine, you, a complete shitwad douche, are riding the bus. You have your collar popped, the tongues of your shoes placed over your jeans, your pink polo shirt is a size too small, and your hair gel is more obvious than Jake Gyllenhall's faggitivity. How can you piss people off even more? By listening to an MP3 player! Nothing screams "I want to irritate the fuck out of you" more than sporting those white earbuds and wearing your iPod shuffle on your belt.
Aside from that, MP3 players are pretty useful devices. If you're in the mood for literally any song you want, it's no less than a few clicks away from being forced into your earbuds. That means whenever you're feeling really happy and want to be dissapointed, you can play this song whenever you want!
Zunes are basically one of the worst things humanity has ever done. Whether it's their rock-fuck stupid interface, their dated features, their puke-inducingly ugly appearance (yep, brown was actually offered as a color. The color of shit.) or Microsoft's shittarded advertising campaign, there is no question that owning a Zune makes you 75% more doucheable. Take a look at their recent marketing strategy:
Let's just break down this ridiculous ad in our trademarked list-form:
In short, the only useful thing you need to know about MP3 players is to not buy a Zune.