Dancing With The Stars 2009

Where famous people who forgot to save money sell their dignity to ex-reality contestants.

Just The Facts

  1. Over 22 million people watch the show, meaning America has more stupid people than Australia has actual people.
  2. The show defines reality TV contestants as "stars", aiming for a world where the only requirement for stardom is being on the show.
  3. If you used to be famous for doing something that wasn't dancing, and now suck at it, you can be on this show

Past Stars: Season 1

The show announced its intention of destroying the very concept of dignity by featuring Evander Holyfield in season 1. The four time heavyweight boxing champion of the world was forced to prance the foxtrot for a baying crowd, which is the number one argument for the formation of an "Ex-famous Athlete Reserve" - a private island where beloved genetic freaks can chase balls and punch each other in peace without ruining all our memories. Evander would be humanely tagged and released along with all the ex-NFL Hall of Fame dancers. A phrase whose mere existence proves that Satan is executive producer.

We're not saying this was a cruel abuse of a brain damaged athlete in worse financial straits than a credit card that owes the mob, but he'd just been banned from boxing because of "diminishing skills' - the boxing commission's way of saying, "This is just embarrassing" - and he's since been sued by everyone. Including half a million dollars by a landscaping company.

Season 2

Tia Carrere, Jerry Fucking Rice and Stacy Keibler, a trio who'll make a lot more money when they realize they can film a porno without losing quite so much dignity.

Season 5

Season 5 demolished the idea of even involving athletes by featuring Helio Castroneves, whose only physical achievement is "Can fit inside an Indy 500 car." The elimination of Sabrina Bryan was also voted "Most Shocking TV Moment of 2007" by TV Guide, raising hopes that a really dramatic soap opera twist could someday cut unemployment and raise the average American IQ by 50 points.

Season 7

By season 7 they were blatantly mocking the concept of celebrity, featuring people like "Cody Linley" - whose own Wikipedia page now states "Mainly famous for appearing on Sabrina and Dancing With The Stars." When your claim to fame is a feedback loop instead of an actual list of appearances, we may be reaching the point of terminal TV.

Season 8

Steve Wozniak became the only person to actually enjoy himself on stage, as part of his ongoing project of becoming a self-referential parody.