Vanilla Ice

Vanilla Ice is a white rapper that doesn't rap anymore, but instead raps about how much he hates his life as a rapper. Does that make sense?

Vanilla Ice performing his vintage Mating Dance

Just The Facts

  1. Vanilla Ice was born Robert Matthew Van Winkle and it has been decided that Vanilla Ice is a better name.
  2. He's was born in 1967, but has the emotional maturity of an 8 year old.
  3. Even though he hates the name Vanilla Ice, he still uses it all the time for everything.

Cracked on Vanilla Ice

"Fuck yes" are the immortal words spoken after the producers at SBK asked him to don a more conventional appearance for the stage (and after paying him assloads of money for doing so).

Fuck yes, indeed sir Ice.

Vanilla Ice may be one of the most famous people out there who are famous because of how ridiculous they are. Even as I write this article, Vanilla Winkle is probably doing something that will be on the cover of some tabloid in that small section in the bottom left corner with an embarrassing picture of him while he was drunk somewhere, to destroy his credibility. As if he's not doing a great job of that on his own:

He had the unfortunate luck of growing up with some actual performace talent, but with terrible connections and business skills. To make it short, he started off huge, and then got screwed by some guys (figuratively only...I hope) and then fizzled on the back burner of society and pop culture for the rest of time.

His fame may have been short lived, but when this is the highlight of your career:

Vanilla Ice doing his Mating Dance for a mutant turtle

Vanilla Ice performing his mating dance for a mutant turtle.

Do you really need to do anything more with the rest of your life? Apparently Mr. Ice said "FUCK YES" many times more, despite the rest of the world's protest, because he's still making music (and I use that term loosely), even today.

Not Hugged Enough as a Child

Sometime after he became famous and before he became washed up, Vanilla ice got arrested several times, and is at least one thing he still does consistently today.

I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure Winkle Van Icedouche wasn't hugged enough as a child, because his outbursts on society in general are that of someone who is crying for attention. He reminds me of this guy who used to live down the street from me. Now to give a frame a reference, this was back when I was in Junior High. You have to be a special kind of stupid to remind someone of a Junior High kid. Anyway, he was angry, yelled a lot, dressed like an idiot, talked like an idiot, and had this exact same haircut:

Mugshot of Yearbook Photo?

Mugshot or Yearbook Photo?

So obviously he never grew up. Go figure. I guess that explains why he gets arrested so much. He has been arrested even as recently as last year when he was incarcerated for hitting his wife in front of their daughter. Why did he hit her? Because they were arguing. Why were they arguing? Because she bought some new furniture and I guess he didn't like the setup. Here is what we think was the last thing she saw before the incident:

Don't Fuck with Ice's Feng Shui

Don't Fuck with Ice's Feng Shui

Sure he's been to jail many times, but in reality it's gotten him a lot of attention (probably more than his actual music career), and it's left us with this exclusive Vanilla Ice trading card:

Collect them all!

Collect Them All!

Vanilla Ice - Still Using That Name

So despite the numerous times he's publically, privately, and illegally demonstrated his dislike of the name, persona, and flavor of Vanilla Ice, he still uses that name to market his music.

I guess it makes sense for marketing, because no one gives a shit about him if he's not Vanilla Ice. I just don't think "Vanilla Winkle" has the right ring to it. However, for the sake of his integrity (we're pretending he has any here) it makes no sense at all. You can't continue to use the old Vanilla Ice stage name, then complain when people refuse to see you as anything other than Vanilla Ice.

But this is the type of person we're dealing with. So to recap, he started dressing as Vanilla Ice back in the day, because that's how all the kids dressed back then. It's good to know that he's grown up since then and dresses like an adult now instead dressing like a complete douchebag.

Still A Douchebag

Oh wait...