Sweet delicious candy, a delectable treat that has been known to hospitalize diabetics and turn a mermaid into a manatee.

How can something so small and delicious affect us much?

Oh God...

Just The Facts

  1. According to many children candy is sweeter from the back of a van.
  2. Candy hates diabetics as it causes a high rise in blood sugar levels.
  3. Candy has literally hundreds of different names ranging from Pez to Cream Collon.

The Good and the Bad

Candy is one of the most loved treats by humans. It's delicious, it's small, it's sweet, it can come in large quantities. Heck, we even get it for free on a few days of the year. Halloween, Easter, Valentines Days, even Christmas. Depending on the holiday, it's a bit different to aquire the treasure.

"Trick or treat! We're going from house to house demanding free candy! ...Why? Are you seriously asking? We dressed up in these ridiculous outfits for the free sweets, now hand 'em over!"

The Good

The good about candy? Well, to start it's a great way to make a profit. Open a store, sell candy, and BOOM! You've got it made. Maybe. Just make sure you stock a lot of dark chocolate. According to recent health studies, dark chocolate is actually very healthy to you. If you already know this, then keep your mouth shut and read on anyway. Dark chocolate is a good source of energy as its GI (that would stand for, Glycemic Index, Einstein, which is the measure of the effects of carbohydrates on blood sugar levels) rating is 22. That is actually pretty damn low, considering the lowest number on the Low Ranking is 55, while the lowest number on the High Ranking is 70. That's right Mary Jo, it's healthier for you to eat Dark Chocolate (22) than Bran Cereals (51).

Another health benefit from dark chocolate is that it contains vitamins and minerals, such as magnesium, iron, calcium, potassium, and Vitamins A, C, D, E, and B1. Holy smokes! Why are you trying to lose weight with that bran diet?! Sprint to the candy store to grab 10 boxes of this stuff! But wait! It gets even better!!

He has the right idea. And see how happy the chocolate makes him??

There are even chemicals in this wonderful, magical, holy treat that help to lower blood pressure and the risk of heart disease. Word is going around that it might even be a way to reduce getting cancer.

I knew you would never let us down!

The Bad

The bad news is that, though these glorious sticks of wonder seem to be the Holy Grail of foods, if you eat them constantly you will turn into Kirstie Alley.

Do you think she got like that from Jenny Craig's well-portioned meals? I don't think so, Sandy.

Despite the fact that dark chocolate is low on the GI scale, God countered this by making it taste like milk chocolate that you found on the bottom of your shoe. And once you finally get used to the taste of that God-awful stuff, BAM, Diabetes hits you like a bad husband.

Also think about the next time you buy a box for Granny. You must remember that there is caffeine naturally contained in chocolate. That being said, if Granny takes her meds and then downs a box of See's inside of 15 minutes, things could quickly fall by the wayside. Not only is there a chance of blood sugar rising way above Mt. Rushmore and causing the body to go into a shock, but the caffeine may counteract some of Granny's meds. If you wake up to her crowing on the roof at 5 AM, don't say nobody warned you.

She's fucking ready to go.