Nicknames

What's in a name? The answer to that question is murderous rage, apparently...

Big Daddy

The Shoe Fetish Slayer. What, you expected a badass? Not with a name like that.

Remember the murderous rage? I wasn't kidding.

The True Reason Nickname Were Invented, to Protect Us All From Gruesome Deaths

I decided to break down nicknames. Some are fortunate, like Regis Philbin (Big Daddy), and some are, well-shit. Take Harold Henry Reese. He is also known as Pee Wee, "what the hell is a vagina?" Reese. And then there are terrible people with awesome nicknames, like Joe, "The Alligator Man" Ball, who was a Texas serial killer way before chainsaws were even invented. There are also nicknames like-and I'm not making this up-"The Shoe Fetish Slayer." Hell, if anyone called me that I'd be filled with even more hatred and murderous intent than I already am

Now, I feel that I should touch on the subject of nicknames that are fortunate for everyone that enjoys life (No, not you, you've been in that chair browsing Cracked for 3 hours straight- you obviously hate yourself. Yeah, you, the one that actually has friends outside the internet.) Take, for example, on Larry Wayne Jones, Jr., also known as Chipper. Why is it fortunate for someone with a perfectly normal name to have a nickname? Apparently, anyone with the middle name Wayne will fucking kill you. Now that you know this, add that to all the terror the horrific first name "Larry" brings to the table(think Larry the Cable Guy here), and add in "Jr." just for shits and giggles, meaning that there are in fact two of them, and they probably work together, which would leave us with about 50 bodies at the bottom of the river. So, as I see it, the only thing keeping him from a murdering rape-spree is his nickname, which hopefully doesn't derive from the term wood chipper. If it does, I'm betting dear ol' dad's nickname would be something like Larry "Sodomy with a loaded shotgun in the back of my ice cream truck" Wayne "as if he would need the middle name effect with a nickname like that" Jones, Sr.

Until, next time, be on the lookout for anyone with the middle name Wayne. Used as a last name it's perfectly fine, however. See one Bruce Wayne, a.k.a. the goddamn Batman, for an example.