Sweden

We love you Sweden, all the six of you, we really do.

Sweden and Finland, Europe's dong and nuts.

Just The Facts

  1. Sweden has a population of 9 million, that translates into 2.7 million of hotter girls than the one your dating.
  2. Swedes pay twice more taxes than Americans. This means that 180% of their earning goes on taxes.
  3. Swedes are know also for being law abiding, fashionable, modest, healthy and for perverting the world with their sinful ways.

We love you Sweden, all the six of you, we really do.

Sweden and Finland, Europe's dong and nuts.

Cracked on Sweden

Their History

Sweden history starts with the vikings. Men among men armed with swords, knives, axes and halberds that screamed of excitement when bloodshed was imminent. Vikings spent three centuries beating the crap out of other civilizations and establishing trade with other civilizations that were just not fun to beat up. But nothing last for ever and so the vikings decided to leave their awesome ways and become an Empire. The Swedish Empire spent 100 years beating the crap out of other civilizations and establishing trade with other civilizations that were just not fun to beat up.

On the 18th century they entered a 200 year period of "D'oh!", they lost wars to Russia, Prussia many other Ussia's and England. They got Norway as a "thanks for participating present" from France during the Napoleonic wars and in 1905 peacefully let it go. Of course, 60 years later Norway found shit loads of oil in their coast. This made Norway the insanely rich country it is today and proved that Murphy's laws apply even to countries. 

Their Politics

Kingdom

Sweden is in fact a kingdom. Therefore they have a king, Carl XVI Gustaf with no power whatsoever . They also have a prince called Carl Philip, which is Orlando Bloom's doppelganger. Both will star soon in Disney's remake of "The prince and the pauper" according to confidential unreliable sources. But the most important member of the royal family is the gorgeous crown princess Victoria, or Vicky for the Cracked readers. Sadly, Vicky will get married soon, ruining our dream of marring not only a Swedish girl but A Swedish princess.

 

Right?

Right?

Parliament

In Sweden downloading and file sharing is extremely common. After all the Pirate Bay (the torrent search engine) is Swedish. Now they have formed a political party called...any guess? Yes! Pirate Party. The goal of the party is to change copyright laws in order to make non profit file sharing legal. The party has such a strong support that it is expected to get two seats in the European Parliament.after the elections.

 

All you need for you own Pirate Party

All you need to make your own Pirate Party

Their Food

How many Swedish restaurants you know of? None, right? Swedish culinary heritage consists mainly of fairly digestible dishes with potatoes. But in Sweden you must never let your guard down, otherwise you could find in your plate:

Surströmming

Rotten herring. Yes, rotten. The origins of the dish can probably be traced back to a a pair of vikings finding a long forgotten barrel of reeky, salty, rotten herring and daring each other to try it. The only reason they survived is because they were fucking vikings after all, if they could digest villagers they could digest putrefied fish.

Elk

The national symbol grilled with potato salad. If you are not so fund of elk, reindeer is also in the menu.

Köttbullar med lingon och potatismos

Meat balls with mermelade and smashed potatoes. Because nothing brings out the flavour of meat as mermelade.

Their Booze

Systembolaget is Sweden's alcohol monopoly. The monopoly's purpose is to safeguard the country by discouraging alcohol consumption and therefore preventing swedes from returning to their viking ways. During the early 1800s it is estimated that swedes consumed 42 liters of alcohol per year, Luxemburg has the current highest consumption with 15,5.  Even elks get wasted in Sweden. Systembolaget closes early on the week days, even earlier in saturdays, and has high taxes. A bottle of Absolut (a swedish vodka) is in fact more expensive in Sweden than in USA. Sounds a little bit excesive? Not according to Swedish National Institute of Public health.

Their Music

ABBA, The Hives, The Carpenters.... The consulate general of Sweden states that they are the third biggest exporter of music of the world, just after USA and UK. Which makes the the third biggest exporter of dancing, singing, small outfit wearing hot blondes! We love you Sweden!

Their Sin

In the 1950's swedes become pioneers in nudity a huge step towards sexual revolution and a blessing for males all around the world. While Hollywood produced movies such as "The ten commandments" swedes were researching which were the best camera angles to capture the glory of boobs. Producers and directors all around the globe realized that a single nipple shot could increase the earnings ten fold and happily followed the Swedish trend. From a handful of Swedish movies the concept of the "Swedish Sin" developed and the adjective "Swedish" was loaded with a sexual connotation that still works on our beloved penis jokes today.

 

 

Their girls

The Swedish girl. The quintessence of the blond hot chick. Due to Scandinavia's long cold winters they feel the need of showing their perfectly modeled bodies in bikinis when its slightly warm. Right? Right?

This Swedish dude bangs more swedish girls than you

This Swedish guy gets more swedish girls than you.

But he really needs this.

But he really needs this.

Compulsory girls pic