The ocean is for things with great big teeth and poisoned spines and probably rotating, whirring blades in place of arms. It is not for you, friend.
Stay out of the water.
I mean it!
Just The Facts
- The ocean is hostile. Everything wants to eat you. You can't even drink the water! Stay on land, you reckless punk.
- If I wanted to list everything in the sea capable of killing you in this article, I w-... There's no way I could list everything capable of killing you in the ocean in this article. FACT, friend.
- Sharks don't get bad press. They're just generally evil bastards.
- I'm never going in the ocean again. I urge you to follow my lead.
"The Deadliest Creatures of the Sea" or "Everything in the Ocean. Except seaweed. Sort of."
The big blue.
Aint it grand?
Isn't it just majestic, wonderful, mysterious and a whole bunch of other words like that? Doesn't looking out at the tides, slowly drawing in and out of the shore with their inevitable, powerful certainty just fill you with a calm that settles into your soul? It just makes you think - "Hey. Everything is going to be OK." Right?
The ocean is filled to the brim with things designed almost primarily to kill you. Kill you. Argh, rat-a-tat-boom and noises like that. Even dolphins, who get a pretty easy press on the whole, what with saving small children and lifeguards and swimming with kids, have been accused of being sick sociopaths who occasionally enjoy maiming other sea life for the crack of it, and attempting to get busy with female swimmers.
I implore you not to type 'What oceanic creatures can kill me?' into Google. Seriously, I do. You'll come away with an overwhelming fear of the depths, and an unshakeable belief that should you even stroll into the shallows, you'll emerge draped in a throng of unmentionable horrors; killer crabs dangling from your toes, jellyfish suckered to your face and sharks swimming off with most of your major organs.
Gah, the reality of the ocean is both disenchanting and terrifying. I am hugely grateful to the last inch of self control I have left, which prevented me from typing 'What land creatures can kill me?' into Google. Had I done that, I've no doubt I'd live out the rest of my days sitting in a locked toilet, whimpering and rocking myself into some kind of peace in the corner of the room. Damn you, Mother Nature! Why do you hate us so?
Steve Irwin was a man who used to wrestle lovingly with gators, charm snakes and did I mention the alligators? He met his tragic and untimely end in the ocean, as an afterthought of a pissed off Stingray. Surely, that has to tell us something? It surely does; it tells us - Stay out of the ocean, bruddah. Steve Irwin was Australian too, that's hardcore, folks. He lived in a place that's about half a mile from the surface of the sun, where people fling food onto open grills because that's all it takes for the meat to catch fire. He wasn't kidding around. Nor am I. Stay out of the ocean, my friend, because it was built to harbour creatures that want to eat off our faces.
Gah. Really? I have to talk about SPECIFICS? Fine. You pay for the therapy.
"Carcharodon Carcharias" or "Shit! A Great White Shark!"
- In progress. -
Well, hell. That thing sure is ugly. But it doesn't look that dangerous...
< In progress. >
The Box Jellyfish
Ze Saltwater Crocodile
< In progress. >
The Blue-Ringed Octopus