Gourmet Food

Gourmet food is expensive, delicious food that combines price, scarcity, cruelty, and/or a hint of disgusting. People who eat it are better than you.

Gourmet Food; Join High Society, be a dick.

Just The Facts

  1. Much of what is now considered Gourmet food was once considered peasant food.
  2. Some foods are considered Gourmet because they are rare, despite tasting like assholes dipped in vomit.
  3. You can make almost any food Gourmet by torturing it before you kill it.

Cracked on Gourmet Food

This is Wikipedia's definition for Gourmet:

"Gourmet (pronounced /�¡��r��me�ª/) is a cultural ideal associated with the culinary arts of fine food and drink, or haute cuisine, which is characterised by elaborate preparations and presentations of large meals of small, often quite rich courses.

The term and its associated practices are usually used positively to describe people of refined taste and passion. For some, it holds a negative connotation of elitism or snobbery."

What they left out is that much of Gourmet food requires a level of cruelty or assholishness that puts you on par with Hitler in terms of flagrant disregard for suffering. Ironically, much of what we consider gourmet is actually French in origin, which we guess meshes quite well with the "elitism orsnobbery".

Babies taste delicious, but only if they suffer before you kill them.

Not all Gourmet food requires cruelty, though. Rareness and fucktardedly intense flavors also factor in much of the time.

Examples of Gourmet Food

Below is a list of Gourmet foods (or ingredients inn some cases). It should give you an idea of how synonymous "Gourmet" is with "retarded" and sometimes "dickish".

Foie Gras

Synonymous with French food, Foie Gras is an over-sized goose or duck liver used for all kinds of food, from garnish to pate. It follows the first rule of gourmet food in that it requires you to be an completely heartless asshole to make it/enjoy it.

Sure, some people don't know what it is, and certainly we don't want to imply that just because you find out something tasty suffered before it reached your plate, you should stop eating it (burgers once mooed, but fuck 'em), but good God, they shove a tube down the bird's throat and force feed them fatty, rich grain and...

Wait a second, that doesn't sound so bad. Sounds like being force fed pork rinds and beer, which pretty much all of us can get behind.


What looks like a turd, smells vaguely of dirt, and is one of the most expensive foods on earth? People go clownshit for these things. They only grow in certain parts of the world, on the roots of certain types of trees (oaks and ash). They used to be sniffed out by pigs, but at $5000 a pound, shit got expensive when porky decided to eat the fuckers instead of just pointing it out. So now they use dogs.

Truffles are from a group of fungus called Tubers, not to be mistaken for potatoes and other less expensive non-fungus tubers, because some people don't think a name can be used to describe more than one thing.

Quail's eggs

Quails eggs are, well, eggs of a quail, which is a small game bird. They are a rare case where the gourmet food is not too terribly rare, or requiring of great suffering to create. We assume they just call the quails fat and stupid to make up for this. They are often soft boiled and served with other foods, and become a perfect blend of snob and pub when made into Scotch eggs.

Garcon, another glass of Bud please.

Shark's Fin

Hey, look! A tried and true asshole ingredient! While everything listed so far, including the tiny eggs, have a unique flavor that puts them in high demand, shark fins taste like... pretty much anything you cook them with. Seriously, harvesting them for the Chinese (it goes well with tiger dick, we hear) is a major cause of shark depopulation. While that may sound like a good thing (less terror monsters in the ocean), it isn't. For starters, the ocean has way more terrifying shit that sharks in it, and when you start knocking off apex predators, you wind up with much more terrifying population explosions.

Sure, the texture can be imitated with bean curd and other stuff like gelatin, but believe us when we say, people love this shit, because they know it makes them an asshole.

Bird's Nest

Hey, guess what? The Chinese have another species they consider a delicacy! Oh, not the bird itself, its their sweet, sweet nests. Made out of snot. No shit; they are made out of the mucusy saliva of the aptly named, edible nest swiftlet. Guess why? Because of the texture. Roughly the same texture you can get from shark fins, or, you know, Jell-O.

Oh, yeah, and just in case you were afraid that this was simply disgusting and not at all barbaric, they are actually wiping out the birds because they want to eat their nest snot.


If you have never tried Brie before, it's hard to imagine why anyone would like it. It smells and tastes kind of musty, the outside is called the "rind" (mmmm.... tasty sounding, no? No.) and is largely mold, and the cheese itself has a texture vaguely similar to snot. It is best eaten at room temperature, and it's softness makes it good for eating on crackers. It is the rich-folk version of Easy Cheese, but without the can.


Delightfully called "Lobstah" by the people in their native land (Maine), these arer giant sea bugs that feed on the scraps and shit that filter to the bottom of the ocean. Like most things that taste delicious from the sea, what they eat is awful. But who cares? Boil those fuckers alive (rule one of gourmet food, be an asshole) then rip them apart and eat them with all the dignity of a drunk in a strip club. If you can afford it, you apparently deserve it.


Another mushroom, and this one also grown on the roots of trees. Not quite as retardedly sought after as truffles, matsutake still costs about $2000 a pound, so we wouldn't exactly call them a retarded cousin or anything. they are like the dorky girl with the huge rack that you still can't score with; not the best, but still out of your league.

Kobe Beef/Mishima Beef

You are looking at the remnants of cows that lived a life that we can only dream. Sure, it ends in slaughter and being consumed by someone who can afford a $1000 hamburger, but you spend your days eating, being fed beer, and getting massages with sake.


Why is it that we will eat eggs with toast, on a McMuffin, or stuffed with cheese, but when people mention fish eggs, most of us go "Ewww....?" Because they are fucking fish eggs. This is another delicacy that becomes fun because a rare species gets butchered for it. The "best" only comes from 100 year old sturgeons. That's right, the best caviar in the world comes from a fucking fish that managed to live through two world wars, and even outlived Teddy Roosevelt. Then some prick comes along, gaffs her, splits her open for her unborn children, then hevaes her carcass back off the boat. [citation needed]