Guitar Hero
Guitar Hero is a series of video games that make you feel like a rockstar but will get you further away from getting laid.
Just The Facts
- Series of music-based video games
- First published in 2005 by Harmonix
- Now published by Neversoft
- Neversoft has releaed Guitar Hero for the DS, effectively missing the entire point about why Guitar Hero was fun
- Harmonix went on to create rival game series Rock Band
Cracked on Guitar Hero
Guitar Hero is a series of music games that lets the player simulate being a rockstar. Yeah, it's that sad, really. What's even sadder is that the games are shockingly addictive and really fun. There have been 5 main titles in the series: Guitar Hero, Guitar Hero II, Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock, Guitar Hero: World Tour, and Guitar Hero 5 (released in September '09).
There has also been a series of neglected, half-retarded spinoffs of the core Guitar Hero games. These are Guitar Hero Rocks the 80s, Guitar Hero: Band (Aerosmith, Metallica, and Van Halen so far), Guitar Hero Smash Hits, Band Hero, DJ Hero (which doesn't feature a guitar at all) and the oxymoron of a game Guitar Hero: On Tour.
Before the development of Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock, Harmonix (the game's developer) and RedOctane (the controller manufacturer) were bought by rival companies, officially giving Activision full control of the brand, so Harmonix had to make another game. First revolutionizing gaming with the first Guitar Hero, Harmonix then released Rock Band, the first game to feature an entire simulated band. Soon after, Guitar Hero: World Tour was released in a move nobody thought was copying or playing catch-up.
Driving has been simulated with the plethora of driving games, conversations have been simulated with phones and texting, sex has been simulating through the terrifying world of "cyber-sex", evolution has been simulated with Spore and now, talent has been simulated with the Guitar Hero games.
We guess it's only a matter of time until Shit Blaster comes out and you have to simulate bowel movements by syncing up button presses to when a giant lump of crap hits the bottom of the on-screen toilet.
Guess what the controller is
The Guitar Hero Interface
To play the Guitar Hero games, you have to understand its interface. Basically, there is a set of 5 switches at the bottom of the screen, and when the colored buttons hit the center of the switch, that's when you hit the button of the same color on the control while moving the strum bar. Fuck, that sounds complicated, but once you play the game a couple of times, it's just like riding a bike: it's frustratingly difficult and you'll end up yelling at your television like how Glenn Beck communicates with his family. After that, playing Guitar Hero becomes more like a one-night stand: fun for a while but nothing to stay comitted to.
Unless you're like this guy:
Yeah, he actually hacked Guitar Hero 2 and custom chose The Fucking Final Countdown so he could spend hours mastering it and then upload it to YouTube.
WARNING: Guitar Hero does not normally have effects of such dorkitude.
The basic interface can be summed up like this:
Yes, you can reach the orange button. Everyone can.
Which brings us to our next point. In 2008, Activision relesaed Guitar Hero: On Tour for the DS. It featured a peripheral known as the "Guitar Grip" with four colored buttons to be played with. THERE IS NO ACTUAL GUITAR CONTROLLER. Yes, because the game is handheld, there is no actual guitar controller to play the game with. Hey, remember how the whole point of Guitar Hero was to pretend like you were playing a guitar?
Activision sure doesn't!
Through the Fire and Flames
We here at Cracked please ask all readers not to fucking complain over how hard this song is or gloat how you got 98% on Expert mode. Nobody gives a shit. Every video game has a hard level, but no single level has reached the amount of fandom and analysis as Dragonforce's Through the Fire and Flames.
So to those of you who allocate all your free time to perfect your fake performance of a power-metal song with a plastic guitar, Dragonforce guitarist Herman Li has a message for you.
You guys do know that saying "fire and flames" is horribly redundant, right?
instead of continuing to buy this crap, and now just cycling through songs that were already in the first 2 games, go out and buy an actual gibson les paul. you could afford a les paul dark fire with the money spent on the whole series and controllers. go ahead, look up the dark fire. it is specifically designed to plug into your computer, and then teach you how to play it.
Replyi would competely buy s**t blaster
ReplyI don't think the sad part of it was that he added the Final Countdown to his game... The 1337 popup text is far more worrying and reveals only one of the symptoms of his crippling masturbation addiction...
ReplyI love Guitar Hero, but I still can't wait for it to die out. Am I alone on that?
ReplyBy the way, DO expect a game like "Shit Blaster" to hit the XBLA after Natal comes out. SOMEBODY'S going to do it!
Guitar hero has anounced it's no longer making games, for DS or any other platform. We can now invest our time in playing a real guitar ($199.99).
OR playing that Kickass Pro Mustang guitar complete with 6 strings, 17 frets, and 102 buttons allowing near perfect simulation, only for $149.99 for Rock Band 3.
Isn't like 99% of all games based on being a hero, saviour, messiah? It does take some talent to kill off legions of orcs, infiltrate some terrorist base in Burma or headshot 500 nazis.
ReplyTalent has been simulated before.
Orcs don't f*****g exist.
Man...I would be a PRO at s**t Blaster.
Replynot really something to be proud of, when you think of it.
I love Guitar Hero and Rock Band, and play every weekend with a group of about 10 friends. It's the social high point of my week. Now, I could argue that it helps my rhythm, or that it improves my left hand's dexterity, or that it develops my hand-eye coordination (all of which it does). I could even say that I personally hate the texture of guitar strings but like guitar music. But my favorite comeback to the "buy a real instrument" line is this:
ReplyTelling a person who loves Guitar Hero to learn to play guitar is like telling a person who loves solving puzzles to learn how to paint.
That's how I view Guitar Hero (apart from the socialization factor and coordination development) - it's like assembling a puzzle version of my favorite songs.
Obligatory GH/RB geek boast - not only is that hacked version of "Final Countdown" hugely simplified compared to the official version released with Lego Rockband, but the guy playing it sucked. Here's to my 5-star Expert score on the REAL one! *tee hee*
Guitar Hero has never claimed to be a substitute for real guitar training. Anyone who thinks it is needs a reality check; playing a real guitar is worlds more complicated than five buttons and a chart telling you when to hit them. GH is classified as a rhythm game, and it is actually helpful in that respect. I play both piano (professionally), real guitar (amateurly), and GH and found that a few good years of playing GH has actually helped my PIANO playing. This is because all of the fast fretting on Expert mode (which does get extremely difficult at times) has made my left hand more agile, which has been great for me being a righty. I noticed this a couple of months ago when I was practicing a Mozart sonata and found that I was having an easier time reading the fast runs in the left hand than in the right, and the right hand is supposed to be the quicker one. So, GH will probably not get you much closer to playing a real guitar, but it can teach you rhythm and it can help your musicianship in other ways.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesI don't usually read comments but this captivating essay you wrote just happened to catch my attention. Activision and Harmonix owe you their praise and thanks for defending them against a Cracked writer making harmless humorous remarks about their fantastic game. I'm so glad the "fast fretting expert mode" has helped you in your (professional) piano playing,and its good to see that guitar hero can help people with their rhythm. Probably a lot more than say, I don't know, A f*****g METRONOME?
A metronome is used to keep tempo, it doesn't have anything to do with rhythm. Seeing as how he plays piano professionally I doubt that he needs help keeping time.
I was too lazy to read your essay, I just like how you took the time to write that :P
amazing how people like to fight for everything hahaha "it's not a comic book, you moron, it's a graphic novel!" hahaha
"Anyone who thinks it is needs a reality check..."
That's the problem right there. Pretty much 99.9% of the Guitar Hero fandom thinks it's teaching them to play a real guitar, and some are even convinced that it's HARDER to play than a real guitar. If you ask me, find a real musical instrument, and also, FIND A REAL VIDEOGAME!
I'm pretty sure though that if you win the European Champions League on Fifa 2010 with an obscure Czech Republic soccer team a real life Czech Republic team will make you their manager.
ReplyDon't get me wrong, despite being terrible at most of GH, I still enjoy it. But my problem with it comes from people taking completing a song massively out of proportion.
ReplyFor example: If I did a perfect match on CoD, with loads of kills and no deaths, i'd be pleased. I'd bragged about it to some of my friends the next day, and probably mention it the next time I played that level with someone.
I would not, however (as some of my friends do with GH) talk about it everytime the game is mentioned, and imply that I have wasted my life by not being as good at the game as them.
Yeah, GH is totally for douchebags, I means they must be the same people who play Call of Duty and didn't fight in WW2 amirite? it's like, learn to shoot a f*****g carbine douche, ya dig? and god how about those people who play madden but never in their life have played a professional footbal match, fosho? oh and get this: people who play Zelda, and they have never visited Hyrule, crazy right?
ReplyI know exactly what you mean, man. Those lazy good for nothings should get off their asses, walk to their nearest time-machine, and start capping some Nazis. Or if they don't have a time machine, utilize some home-made device that warps reality, and give Ganondorf a REAL kick in the balls. And don't even get me started on the professional football thing, they should do their damnest to try even if their odds are 1/1000000 of making it to the NFL. Though compared to all that? I will say walking down to a pawn shop. Picking up a guitar. And spending the hours learning to play that were spent playing a 'totally sweet' videogame? That's just ridiculous.
The difference is that no one who kicks ass at Call of Duty thinks that they could pack up and head out to Afghanistan the next day.
Typical guy who hates Guitar Hero:
ReplyWe own a guitar. We cannot play said guitar worth a shit.
We despise players of Guitar Hero for feeling that accomplishing a good score is anything to be happy about.
Secretly deep down inside, we wish we could feel that same sense of gratification. We go back to angrily mis-strumming that Tab Chart of "Nothing else matters" until we feel sufficiently cool enough to put off wrist-slashing for at least one more night.
When it comes right down to it, a mouse is not a gun. A joystick is not a space ship. A steering wheel is not the real experience of "oh GOD I will DIE if I mess this up" and two buttons and a cross certainly aren't a hallucinogen addicted Italian plumber.
So just as that wicked awesome track in porche unleashed doesn't make you a driving god, neither does playing Guitar Hero. But it feels cool to get it right. (I still hate it)
Forgot to mention something with my last comment. People keep telling me that they play Guitar Hero because they can't afford a real guitar. Then I point out that if they hadn't bought every game and song, then they would've had enough to buy a real instrument.
Reply"People keep telling me that they play Guitar Hero because they can't afford a real guitar." What the f**k kind of terrible excuse is that? You can get a decent guitar for less than the price of an xbox, let alone all the other s**t you have to buy to play Guitar Hero.
really funny, you forgot to mention that through the fire and the flames is actually a fast forward. no one can play that song. because its not a real song.
ReplyI do love my old school Guitar Hero, i'll admit. And I also do that "hacking" thing it shows up there, it's actually really fun to create your own charts for your favorite songs. And I have yet to meet one person who plays GH and believes this makes him good at real guitar. So honestly, I don't give a sh*t about how good you are at 'REAL GUITAR' and how much you rip on guitar hero, it is a fun game (and that's simply what it is, ENTERTAINMENT, not a musical substitute). Anyways, funny article, I love it!
ReplyI cannot stand the f*****g game. End of.
Reply'Hey, remember how the whole point of Guitar Hero was to pretend like you were playing a guitar? Activision sure doesn't!' made me laugh like hell ^___^
As a bass player who is learning to play guitar, I hate Guitar Hero. Guitar Hero is nothing like playing a real guitar, yet people talk about how good they are as if they can play Stairway to Heaven or Blackbird (I got to see Paul McCartney screw up twice before giving up in concert) flawlessly on a real guitar.
ReplyI do play Rock Band guitar/bass just because I happen to have it and have nothing better to do. I actually like the drums as it's somewhat similar to real drums (hit something and it makes a sound, though not using a pedal for the hi-hat is stupid), and singing is exactly like playing a real instrument (because it is, though the game seems to be a bit slow at realizing I switched octaves).
1. "Shit Blaster" made me laugh so hard that I'm not a virgin anymore.
Reply2. While Herman Li gives GH fans the finger, music theory and basic song composition gives Herman Li the finger.
3. I had a running joke with one of my friends that works at GameStop about how s****y GH for DS would have been. When I found out it was going to really come out, My jaw dropped to the floor and I became sterile.
4. TTFAF isn't impossible, GH just over-charts the notes because nobody at Neversoft knows how music works.
5. I'll admit, I like GH.
I both heartily agree and lol at 2.