Guitar Hero

Guitar Hero is a series of video games that make you feel like a rockstar but will get you further away from getting laid.

Guitar Hero wins due to bias in favor of hot babes

Just The Facts

  1. Series of music-based video games
  2. First published in 2005 by Harmonix
  3. Now published by Neversoft
  4. Neversoft has releaed Guitar Hero for the DS, effectively missing the entire point about why Guitar Hero was fun
  5. Harmonix went on to create rival game series Rock Band

Cracked on Guitar Hero

Guitar Hero is a series of music games that lets the player simulate being a rockstar. Yeah, it's that sad, really. What's even sadder is that the games are shockingly addictive and really fun. There have been 5 main titles in the series: Guitar Hero, Guitar Hero II, Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock, Guitar Hero: World Tour, and Guitar Hero 5 (released in September '09).

There has also been a series of neglected, half-retarded spinoffs of the core Guitar Hero games. These are Guitar Hero Rocks the 80s, Guitar Hero: Band (Aerosmith, Metallica, and Van Halen so far), Guitar Hero Smash Hits, Band Hero, DJ Hero (which doesn't feature a guitar at all) and the oxymoron of a game Guitar Hero: On Tour.

Before the development of Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock, Harmonix (the game's developer) and RedOctane (the controller manufacturer) were bought by rival companies, officially giving Activision full control of the brand, so Harmonix had to make another game. First revolutionizing gaming with the first Guitar Hero, Harmonix then released Rock Band, the first game to feature an entire simulated band. Soon after, Guitar Hero: World Tour was released in a move nobody thought was copying or playing catch-up.

Driving has been simulated with the plethora of driving games, conversations have been simulated with phones and texting, sex has been simulating through the terrifying world of "cyber-sex", evolution has been simulated with Spore and now, talent has been simulated with the Guitar Hero games.

We guess it's only a matter of time until Shit Blaster comes out and you have to simulate bowel movements by syncing up button presses to when a giant lump of crap hits the bottom of the on-screen toilet.

Guess what the controller is

The Guitar Hero Interface

To play the Guitar Hero games, you have to understand its interface. Basically, there is a set of 5 switches at the bottom of the screen, and when the colored buttons hit the center of the switch, that's when you hit the button of the same color on the control while moving the strum bar. Fuck, that sounds complicated, but once you play the game a couple of times, it's just like riding a bike: it's frustratingly difficult and you'll end up yelling at your television like how Glenn Beck communicates with his family. After that, playing Guitar Hero becomes more like a one-night stand: fun for a while but nothing to stay comitted to.

Unless you're like this guy:

Yeah, he actually hacked Guitar Hero 2 and custom chose The Fucking Final Countdown so he could spend hours mastering it and then upload it to YouTube.

WARNING: Guitar Hero does not normally have effects of such dorkitude.

The basic interface can be summed up like this:

Yes, you can reach the orange button. Everyone can.

Which brings us to our next point. In 2008, Activision relesaed Guitar Hero: On Tour for the DS. It featured a peripheral known as the "Guitar Grip" with four colored buttons to be played with. THERE IS NO ACTUAL GUITAR CONTROLLER. Yes, because the game is handheld, there is no actual guitar controller to play the game with. Hey, remember how the whole point of Guitar Hero was to pretend like you were playing a guitar?

Activision sure doesn't!

Through the Fire and Flames

We here at Cracked please ask all readers not to fucking complain over how hard this song is or gloat how you got 98% on Expert mode. Nobody gives a shit. Every video game has a hard level, but no single level has reached the amount of fandom and analysis as Dragonforce's Through the Fire and Flames.

So to those of you who allocate all your free time to perfect your fake performance of a power-metal song with a plastic guitar, Dragonforce guitarist Herman Li has a message for you.

You guys do know that saying "fire and flames" is horribly redundant, right?