Torchwood
Torchwood is a spin off show from Doctor Who. But instead of Daleks and Bille Piper’s breasts, Torchwood features around sex-alien possessed women and… well, breasts.
Just The Facts
- Torchwood has had 3 series, the most recent having only 5 episodes.
- It stars Captain Jack Harkness, played by John Barrowman.
- It is set in Wales, in Cardiff. The strange lack of sheep jokes may or may not be a good thing.
Torchwood Basics
The show was written by Russel T Davies, and It features around this guy- the first bisexual character in Doctor Who.
Look at those teeth. The man can not be straight.
Everyone on Torchwood is bisexual. This includes:
Gwen Cooper- Always bringing her 'love' and her 'human rights' in to problems, when the solution is really to shoot whatever's causing it with a big ass gun.
Captain Jack Harkness- Has fucked everybody ever. Also he can't die. This is probably important.
Dr Owen Harper- Owen is the sarcastic asshole of a doctor. We've never heard of that character before.
Toshiko Sato- Quiet Japanese woman. Does tech-y stuff. Appeared in Doctor Who.
Ianto Jones- Has sex with Jack and makes tea. He also shot Owen.
As you will find out, Torchwood is explosions and fucking. This makes it the best damn show ever.
Series 1- The Sex
Warning: Of course it goddamn contains spoilers.
The first episode of the first series was a whole Gwen-meets-everyone thing. Gwen saw them doing some spooky-shit with a dead guy, they tried to drug Gwen so she would go annoy some other secret organisation, but she resisted and joined them.
One of the Torchwood staff called Suzie shot Jack then shot herself. She stayed pretty dead, but Jack stood up again, with only attractively-ruffled hair to show for his injury.
The rest of Series 1 was packed full of wooden acting, innuendo, people fucking aliens, aliens fucking people, and aliens possessing people in order to fuck.
At some point during this, it is revealed that the archivist- Ianto- has been keeping his half naked cyberwoman of a girlfriend in the basement.
Seriously, how did nobody notice that?
And now the term 'Cyber Sex' is a thousand times more awkward.
As well as this, Suzie comes back and nearly kills Gwen, Gwen cheats on her long term boyfriend Rhys with Owen, and it's revealed that Jack and Ianto are having sex. A lot.
The series finale involves Jack Harkness being revealed to not actually be called Jack Harkness, and to basically be an impostor. They go back in time, and instead of starting fights, Fake Jack meets Real Jack and they make out.
For everybody keeping score at home, that's Violence: 0 Sex: 1
Then a giant Godzilla style creature called Abaddon comes and kills people with it's shadow. But Jack can't die, so there's about 50 seconds of him flailing and yelling before both of them die.
But eventually Jack wakes up again after a long montage of Gwen looking worried, Owen looking bored and Ianto sniffing Jack's coat. Jack greets them all in the appropriate fashion.
Kissing the secretary makes everything better.
The Rest Of It- The Death
Spoilers, motherfucker!
We're not going to go in to exact detail of the next 2 series, but it gets very odd near the end. In particular, the end of Series 2 and Series 3 become the last Harry Potter book.
She's dead. He's dead. And yup, you'd better believe he's dead.
... along with an old man, a Home Office civil servant and his family, Jack's grandson, everyone in cryogenic storage at the Torchwood Hub and a building full of people.
Owen, in fact, manages to die several times. He's shot, but is brought back to life because Torchwood thinks it's Lost. His final 'death' was being blown up along with a nuclear station, whilst on the phone to Tosh who was secretly bleeding to death because Jack's brother shot her.
Couldn't they have just been killed by unknown island forces or something?
Books
Torchwood has had several books released. These have done well, but there's a problem. As you can see above, Torchwood is Death and Sex. Death by Sexplosion, mainly.
Explosions are a lot less awesome without slow motion (See Brockway's 5 Kickass Lessons Books Could Learn from the Movies). And they can't advance the show's main plot too far, so the fucking levels are lowered.
.
"This displeases us."
I'm a dedicated fan of Torchwood, and I actually got to like all of the characters, except Gwen. From the begining to the end she struck me as whiny and clingy, and blatantly self righteous. The worst episode with her was, in my opinion, "Something Borrowed" and I truly disliked her rather obvious flirting with Jack in the series. Of all the characters to have been killed off, it should have been her. R.I.P Ianto, Owen, and Tosh, the true heros of Torchwood
ReplyFor the most part, Torchwood is great. The problem arises when they kill off half their cast, and leave Gwen and Rhys among the survivors. Gwen should be exterminated by a dalek. Or even better, they should have de-aged her into a child and sent the reconstitution wave through her before Ianto died. Then they should have gone back in time to save Tosh and Owen, while using Gwen's melted remains as fuel for the time travel. I don't care if that doesn't make sense, it should have been done.
ReplySooo, not a big fan of Gwen, then?
You left out the part where Jack on Torchwood is a lame version of Jack on Dr Who. I find it strange that Jack is actually more badass and more come what may on a show made for all ages then he is on a show clearly for adults.
ReplyJack is more carefree and while good doesn't mind stepping on toes in Dr. Who, and some random moral background on Torchwood.
Torchwood is lame and managed to kill a really dynamic character which is weird since he was only a main character because of Torchwood
Capt Jack's not bisexual, he just constantly feels the need to brag about his UberManliness by kissing dudes and still remaining badass. Owen, on the other hand, is a complete faggot. Gwen's just a whiny bitch. No one cares about the j*p chick. And Ianto is...well, Ianto.
ReplyActually retard Jack is referred to, and refers to himself as, "omnisexual" because apparently 51st century humans need to f**k everything....oh and you completely missed Owen's fuckbuddy Toshito, seriously some of you people need to stop wanking and let some blood enter your brains for a change
Are you trying to say he's straight? Or gay? Either way, if you're alive (is that even a qualifier for him?) and he likes the look of you, he'll f**k you.
Sorry, you're all wrong. Torchwood is arse, John Barrowman is, as our friends over the pond say, a f*****g douche, and I want to punch all the cast members in the face and say "Pow! Now you all have black eyes!" Sorry.
ReplyThanks :) If they make a new series, I'm not watching it without Ianto.
ReplyNice. Sex and explosions...pretty much sums up the show.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI miss Ianto :(
I miss Ianto too =( Why did they have to kill him off?! Poor Jack, I wanted to give him a hug =)
Ianto was killed off so Gareth David Lloyd could go do a really horribly s****y Sherlock Holmes versus f*****g DINOSAURS thing. Seriously I s**t you not, look it up, it'll be on his IMDB credits.
Ohmygoodness that's right! He was in an Asylum flick!