Torchwood

Torchwood is a spin off show from Doctor Who. But instead of Daleks and Bille Piper’s breasts, Torchwood features around sex-alien possessed women and… well, breasts.

Just The Facts

  1. Torchwood has had 3 series, the most recent having only 5 episodes.
  2. It stars Captain Jack Harkness, played by John Barrowman.
  3. It is set in Wales, in Cardiff. The strange lack of sheep jokes may or may not be a good thing.

Torchwood Basics

The show was written by Russel T Davies, and It features around this guy- the first bisexual character in Doctor Who.

Captain Jack Harkness
Look at those teeth. The man can not be straight.

Everyone on Torchwood is bisexual. This includes:

Gwen Cooper- Always bringing her 'love' and her 'human rights' in to problems, when the solution is really to shoot whatever's causing it with a big ass gun.

Captain Jack Harkness- Has fucked everybody ever. Also he can't die. This is probably important.

Dr Owen Harper- Owen is the sarcastic asshole of a doctor. We've never heard of that character before.

Toshiko Sato- Quiet Japanese woman. Does tech-y stuff. Appeared in Doctor Who.

Ianto Jones- Has sex with Jack and makes tea. He also shot Owen.

As you will find out, Torchwood is explosions and fucking. This makes it the best damn show ever.

Series 1- The Sex

Warning: Of course it goddamn contains spoilers.

The first episode of the first series was a whole Gwen-meets-everyone thing. Gwen saw them doing some spooky-shit with a dead guy, they tried to drug Gwen so she would go annoy some other secret organisation, but she resisted and joined them.

One of the Torchwood staff called Suzie shot Jack then shot herself. She stayed pretty dead, but Jack stood up again, with only attractively-ruffled hair to show for his injury.

The rest of Series 1 was packed full of wooden acting, innuendo, people fucking aliens, aliens fucking people, and aliens possessing people in order to fuck.

At some point during this, it is revealed that the archivist- Ianto- has been keeping his half naked cyberwoman of a girlfriend in the basement.

Cyberwoman
Seriously, how did nobody notice that?

And now the term 'Cyber Sex' is a thousand times more awkward.

As well as this, Suzie comes back and nearly kills Gwen, Gwen cheats on her long term boyfriend Rhys with Owen, and it's revealed that Jack and Ianto are having sex. A lot.

The series finale involves Jack Harkness being revealed to not actually be called Jack Harkness, and to basically be an impostor. They go back in time, and instead of starting fights, Fake Jack meets Real Jack and they make out.

For everybody keeping score at home, that's Violence: 0 Sex: 1

Then a giant Godzilla style creature called Abaddon comes and kills people with it's shadow. But Jack can't die, so there's about 50 seconds of him flailing and yelling before both of them die.

But eventually Jack wakes up again after a long montage of Gwen looking worried, Owen looking bored and Ianto sniffing Jack's coat. Jack greets them all in the appropriate fashion.

TW-JackIanto1x13.jpg image by z_bicikova
Kissing the secretary makes everything better.

The Rest Of It- The Death

Spoilers, motherfucker!

We're not going to go in to exact detail of the next 2 series, but it gets very odd near the end. In particular, the end of Series 2 and Series 3 become the last Harry Potter book.


She's dead. He's dead. And yup, you'd better believe he's dead.

... along with an old man, a Home Office civil servant and his family, Jack's grandson, everyone in cryogenic storage at the Torchwood Hub and a building full of people.

Owen, in fact, manages to die several times. He's shot, but is brought back to life because Torchwood thinks it's Lost. His final 'death' was being blown up along with a nuclear station, whilst on the phone to Tosh who was secretly bleeding to death because Jack's brother shot her.

Couldn't they have just been killed by unknown island forces or something?

Books

Torchwood has had several books released. These have done well, but there's a problem. As you can see above, Torchwood is Death and Sex. Death by Sexplosion, mainly.

Explosions are a lot less awesome without slow motion (See Brockway's 5 Kickass Lessons Books Could Learn from the Movies). And they can't advance the show's main plot too far, so the fucking levels are lowered.

Jack and Ianto.
"This displeases us."